Dear Class of 2021

You started your senior year like every one of us, holding your breathe. You didn't know what would happen, what would come next. You didn't know what to expect. None of us did.

With anxious hearts and nervous minds, you started what was supposed to be that best year of your life so far at home. You didn't get to see all of your friends that you grew up with. 

Oh sure, you probably saw a few of your besties over the summer. And I'm sure you facetimed even more.

Then they said we were coming back to school, but on a split schedule. Well... ok... hopefully your very best friend would be there on the same day.

We got word that sports were going to resume, but with restrictions. Well... ok... at least you got to play the sport you loved, right. Even though it was a little weird.

Away sporting events became a struggle, but you were playing!

Wait, did they just say we were having a semi normal homecoming? Well... ok... it's slightly different, but hey, it's homecoming, right?!

A pep rally? Really? Oh, it's virtual? That's ok. We'll take anything we can get.

Travel restrictions have been lifted? Hallelujah! 

Everyone can come back in person? On the same day? That's great!

Clubs are available now too? Awesome!

They just announced a prom!!

And plans for graduation! A normal graduation...

Dear Class of 2021, we salute you! We honor you! We celebrate you! 

We have been to hell and back with you!

We are truly happy for you, but please don't hold it against some of us if we cheer you own through a few tears of our own. 

Yes, graduation celebrations are always filled with tears of happiness, uncertainty, fear, and a little sadness at your growing up, but some of us are shedding tears for other reasons as well.

So yes, class of 2021, even though this is your time to shine, some of us are struggling
a little more than others.

Sincerely,

A Mom of the Class of 2020

I Miss the Smiles

 Can it all be over already? When will things ever get back to normal?

I’m not just talking about this stupid pandemic. I’m talking about everything. Life, in general. 

Just when we think things are starting to become normal, something else happens. 

You know what I miss most? 

I miss the kids yelling down the halls when they see me “Hey Mrs Bauguess”. I miss the kids running up to me in public just to say hey! 

I miss their faces lighting up EVERY time they walked in a classroom & realized I was in there. 

I miss seeing those smiles! I miss hearing that laughter!

Maybe I’m just being over emotional, but my heart hurts! 

These kids will never know the impact they have had on my life. They will never know how I worry about them, how I have prayed for them, how I consider them all mine. 

They will never know how I miss them! How I feel lost without them! 

This school year is quickly winding down & I wonder if I will ever see some of them again. Several have passed through my life this year that I have lost sleep over. 

Some of them have changed towards me and it hurts. I miss who they used to be and I miss the connection we used to have. 

Oh how I miss those smiles!

Conspiracy? Who Even Knows Anymore?

It's no secret. I love a good conspiracy theory. Sometimes, they are very far fetched, but sometimes, probably more often than we realize, there is a little bit of truth behind the insanity.

I have lots of thoughts about recent events. The majority of them may be unpopular, or they may be the popular opinion by now, who knows. I can't keep up. Either way, my thoughts haven't changed much from day one. 

These are my thoughts and I am entitled to them, just as you are, so do not come after me just because you may have a different opinion. Remember what they say about opinions...

So, I had to pick up the youngest child from school recently. He had a fever of 100.7, a headache, cough, congested, sore throat, etc. You see where this is going right? Because I did, from a mile a way. 

The school nurse said that he needed a negative COVID test or a note from the Dr stating a different diagnosis and why he did not need a test. No problem. This is the world we live in. 

I made his appointment and told them that he was sent home with classic COVID symptoms. They sounded surprised but asked us to call when we got there and they would come out the side entrance to get us.

When my husband took him, they immediately said that he did not need a COVID test. There are several viruses going around and they felt sure that he had one of those.

.....???

Just 6 months ago, if someone would have had any one of those symptoms, the medical professionals (and everyone else) would have screamed from the rooftops that a test was necessary and you would have had to quarantine until you could prove that you didn't have that dreaded disease. But now, he literally has almost every single symptom and they just know it in their gut that it is not COVID.

.....???

Oh and guess what, there were three cases of the flu reported at my kid's pediatrician's office last week. 

.....???

Y'all, it's May. It's not even "flu season". But there were very few flu cases reported in the height of flu season this past year at a pediatrician's office!

.....???

You can think what you want to think & I will think what I want to think. But the "numbers" just don't make sense anymore!

Just how much longer are we going to continue to be mindless sheep?

Mother's Day

 There's something about Mother's Day that feels me with melancholy. I can't help it. Through all of the attempted celebrations and well wishes, I can't help but feel a little sad. 

I read posts from several of my friends who had praying, God fearing mommas who always encouraged them to follow God's will in their lives and who always showed them God's love. I hear people talk about the fact that they wouldn't be who they are today without their moms. I know several who would give anything to have their moms for just a little longer.

And I feel guilty, sad, and often times, alone.

Yes, I still have my mom. But she didn't spend countless hours on her knees praying for me. She hasn't walked right by my side, giving me advice, throughout every stage of my life. She hasn't made it a priority to attend things that were special to me or my kids. In fact, she has probably missed more than she has attended.

But I am who I am today thanks to lessons I have learned along the way from her. Unfortunately, most of them are lessons on how I don't want to do things.

Then I see teenagers making posts on their stories about how much they love their mom, and how they have the best mom in the world.

And I hope that they mean it deep down in their hearts. I hope that they aren't just posting because they feel like they are supposed to. I hope that they can see through all of the flaws, all of the failures, all of the times we have said no, & realize that us mommas are trying!

I pray that as they get older, my children can look back & say that even though I didn't give them everything they wanted, I made sure that they had everything they needed. I want them to look back & see that I only wanted the best for them. I hope they know that I prayed for them, not nearly as much as I should have, but I prayed and cried out to God on their behalf. 

I hope that one day, my daughter wants to be a little like me, but a much better version. I hope that my sons want their future wives to have a few of the same qualities that I have, but I want them to improve on those qualities. 

I hope that one day, when my kids are grown, they reflect more on the positive memories than on the negative ones. I hope that when they are grown, my kids don't need therapy.

I'm trying to follow my own advice. I'm looking for the positives. Sometimes, the negatives weigh more and are much heavier to lift in order to find the positives.

Keep Moving Forward

 I would be a fool to think that I was the only one who thought this past year was hard. 

IT. WAS. HARD.

It was hard on everyone. This past year tested & tried everything we thought we knew about ourselves & about life. And I'll be honest with you. I'm not really happy with what I saw in myself.

I lost so much of myself. I let fear consume me. Not necessarily fear of the virus, but fear on the unknown. Fear of taking me out of my comfort zone. Fear of the way the world was becoming.

I became someone I wasn't happy with. I said things. I acted in ways. I lost my joy. I let anxiety control me. I lost myself. I let myself go.

I'm trying, really I am. My prayers no longer consist only of me telling God that I'm trying, even though sometimes they still do. They no longer only consist of me sighing as I tell God how tired I am, even though sometimes they still do. 

I still have more questions than answers, just like I did over a year ago, but I know that God has a plan. I also know that part of His plan is me writing again. So here I am, humbly before you, baring my soul. I don't know how often I will continue to post here because I feel Him leading me more towards my Instagram page. So if want to join me, I would love to have you on my crazy journey through life!

I Can't Breathe

 I knew it was a mistake before I even made the decision to go.

I knew I was already having a bad day.

I knew going would make it even worse.

But it was calling for snow and I was almost out of laundry detergent.

Seriously, I needed to go to Walmart for laundry detergent, on a day they were calling for snow, and on a weekend, to make things worse.

I hate Walmart. I always have, but I never hated it quite the way I have grown to hate it in the past few months. I LOATHE going, but my family insists on running out of things left and right and the all too frequent trips are unavoidable.

The minute I walked into the store, I felt the walls closing in on me. Everyone in town was there it felt like. I didn't even make it past the produce section when my accelerated breathing and rapid heartbeat forced me to stop in my tracks and close my eyes. 

I could not breathe. I wanted so bad to jerk that mask off just so I could take a deeper breath, but I knew that was a bad idea.

The panic attacks are getting worse. They are becoming more frequent and I don't know how to fix it.

I hate feeling like this!

I hate worrying all the time.

I can't sleep well. I have to make myself do the smallest task. I'm eating everything in sight. I'm freezing all the time.

Home is my safe place.

My stress is through the roof and I cry at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, the best way I can describe it. I feel like I am in a horror movie. You know, everyone understands this. 

I am in a horror movie, running away from whatever is chasing me. I keep running, looking over my shoulder. The anxiety keeps building and I keep waiting for whatever it is to catch me. I know, deep down, it will eventually catch me. And when it does catch me, it will kill me.

I just keep running and looking and waiting.

CUT

 We've said it over & over for months now. 

I can't wait for 2020 to be over.

2021 has got to be better, right?

Less than two weeks into the new year & nothing is better. 

But things have changed, haven't they?

The numbers are still being thrown at us left and right.

The warnings, the social distancing, the masks, the restrictions.

The FEAR is still being drilled into our heads until many of us are losing sleep and many of us are no longer the same people that we used to be.

The virus is still looming large.

But on top of that, our country is going completely crazy.

We have watched for months now as crazy people rioted, looted, destroyed, fought, and burned things to get attention. We've watched as one side battled against another side to get their point across. We've watched as our nation has become even more divided on just about every issue you can think of. 

Now just last week, we watched as the Capitol was infiltrated.

I feel like I am in the middle of a really bad movie.

I'm done with it, can we stop filming yet.

Where is the director? I need someone to click the little scene marker & yell CUT.

I'm trying really hard though! 

I know that God has a purpose and a plan. 

I know that everything happens in His time & in His will, but it's really hard to sit back & trust that plan right now.

The Bible tells us that times will get worse before Jesus returns to earth.

I'm not sure how much worse it will be & I'm not sure exactly what we will have to endure.

I don't care how secure you are with your salvation, that's a hard concept to swallow.