What if Christmas, Perhaps, Means a Little Bit More

As I sit here this morning in the soft glow of the Christmas tree anxiously waiting for the chaos to begin, I realize just how blessed I am. I have so much to be thankful for, but yet, somehow I feel sad.

I haven't been very Christmasy this year. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just like every other year, we go to a different tree farm & pick out our tree Thanksgiving weekend. But somehow even that felt forced. We (um, mainly me) didn't walk over 97% of the farm to find the perfect tree. We picked one after only looking at about 5. That's unheard of.

We put it up & had to squeeze in decorating it one night after church so that kept the kids up late. (You know me & how I am about bedtime.) Then the kids fussed over this petty thing & that petty thing. One was more interested in social media than helping. So I ended up crying at the table.
*see previous post*

Anyway, then somehow time slipped right by me. As December sped by, I didn't get the chance find the time to decorate anything else for the house. Do you hear me? ANYTHING. No lights outside. No fun knick knacks inside. No mistletoe hanging in the dining room. No tinkling bells that I enjoy so much. No special Santa plate & glass. I didn't even put the Christmas cards up & that has always been my favorite "decoration".

What is wrong with me??

I have far too many things to be thankful for, but yet it's not coming easy right now.

I don't think I've gotten caught up in the "hustle & bustle" or the commercialism, but I sure have gotten caught up in life. Between me working a lot more than I have in recent years (almost every day subbing - which I LOVE so don't read anymore in to that), Justin working EMS nights, with his dad some days, & coaching every afternoon, church activities, & juggling three sports schedules, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to make it til bedtime some days.

I love supporting our kids & I love watching them, but let's be honest, I'm tired. I honestly don't even remember the last time I cooked.

Everyone was so excited about the big snow we had a couple of weeks ago because they got to slow down & just enjoy each other. That didn't happen at our house. Justin & Austin scrapped snow the majority of the time. Justin still worked EMS, because emergencies don't stop for a blizzard. And we had the stomach bug so it was hard to enjoy it.

Justin had to work last night (& tonight as well) so our Christmas Eve traditions were a little rushed & I had to be Santa by myself for the first time. Austin stayed with him so I'm sad that even though he would have went to bed just like the other kids & he will be here soon, just knowing he wasn't home Christmas Eve is hard.

Again, I'm not complaining, just trying to figure out why my heart hurts.

I miss Christmas from years ago. I miss Christmas Eve at my grandparent's house. I miss my grandparents. I miss getting together with aunts, uncles, & cousins. I miss my aunt's chex mix. I miss the elaborate family dinners. Oh, we still have them on Justin's side, but its not the same.

Soon my family will be home, my parents will come over, & my littles will wake up (hopefully in that order) & the chaos will begin. As I've watched the sun rise & wiped a few tears away, my heart feels a little lighter. I just don't want to take any of it for granted.

If this doesn't make sense, don't hold it against me. My thoughts were running wild this morning.

From my family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Do You See What I See

We put up our Christmas tree yesterday. We always try to do it Thanksgiving weekend, but we just barely got that accomplished this time. The kids are getting older & schedules are getting busier. And its sad.

I am very picky about how the lights are placed, the more the better, so the kids don't even bother trying to help with that part. Well, Logan still does. Then its all theirs. It really doesn't matter to me how the ornaments are put up. Sure I'll move one here & there when a limb is weighted down, there's too much in one spot, or a big gaping hole that no one but me sees, but other than that, I'm good.

It's beautiful. It usually is. Not because we spent a lot of money on decorations or because a professional did it, but because its ours & it's decorated with love... at least I hope.

The pictures show smiles & a pretty tree. You see it. We all see it. At least the parts that we want you to see & the parts that can actually be photographed.

But do you see what I see?

I see my husband trying to cook supper at 8pm while I put the lights up because we haven't had any other time together as a family. I see them staying up past bedtime & hoping no one is grumpy in the morning. I see one child not feeling well. I see one child fussing at another for ringing the bells too loud. I see one child repeatedly throwing snowflakes at the tree. I see one child on their phone instead of enjoying this. 

I see the supper I'm trying to eat even though the tears make it hard to swallow. I see the past when we got along better. I see Christmas from my childhood & I see happiness. I see them all grown & no longer home to help decorate the tree. I see them looking back on their childhood with more heartache than fondness. I see disappointment, shame, regrets, & what ifs.

But then, as I'm putting Logan to bed, he smiles & tells me he had fun & I see love. Through more tears, I see love. And I see a weary momma trying desperately to hang on to the magic even though the world has made her jaded & her kids are growing up entirely too fast.

I'm glad you don't see what I see. Oh how I miss when times were simpler.

October 2, 2018

This day. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for THIS DAY.

This day probably doesn't mean anything to you, but it means so much to my family.

It means freedom. It means being able to breathe easier. It means returning to a somewhat normal life. It means its finally over.

It means 398 days since our world turned upside down & in that time I've grown to seriously dislike some numbers.

First & foremost August 29, 2017. I might just erase the day if I could.

Followed closely by October 2, 2017. I have faced many things in my life. I've been mad, upset, & scared over situations out of my control, but I've NEVER experienced fear the way I did on October 2, 2017. And there was NOTHING I could do about it.

Helpless. Hopeless. Betrayed. Scared. Angry. Confused.

• 365 - 365 days until this nightmare was officially over.

• 11 - an 11 month deadline

• 65 - 65 hours that seemed like a waste of time

• 5 - 5 months of mental evaluations

• 60 - every 60 days that someone questioned my parenting

• 30 - every 30 days of check ins

• 4 - 4 charges that all started with a moment of unclear thinking

• 3 - 3 days a week that my home was invaded

• 9 - 9 hours that felt like a prison sentence

• 1.5 - 1.5 hrs that seemed like a bigger waste of time

• 1 - 1 huge mistake

• 0 - 0 unexcused absences

• random - enough random testing to make you doubt your sanity

Unfortunately, the list goes on. I just can't put it into number form.


If you don't know me personally or if you didn't know us then, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about & that's ok. Just know that life is better now. I've learned real friends from fake. I've learned how to keep my circle small. I've learned that sometimes, all you have is the people in your home.

I've also developed a new appreciation for some numbers.

• 24 - 24 hours, Tomorrow is a new day & you get to start over again & again & again, & sometimes that's all you can do - start over & hope for better

• 5 - 5 means Grace, Grace form God, Grace for each other, & Grace from each other

• 5 - 5 also happens to be the number in my family, while its not perfect, its the one God gave me

and most importantly

• 2 - 2nd chances, and sometimes 3rds & 4ths & 5ths as well

But after a full year to reflect, I realize that I've learned to appreciate August 29, 2017 & October 2, 2017. Without them, my family wouldn't be who we are today. Without  them, my family could be a lot worse off than we are now. Without them, decisions to turn & walk away from bad situations might not have ever happened. Without them, maturity might have come at a higher cost. Without them, a darker, harsher future might have come about.

I believe that God allows things to happen in order to bring people to the place He wants them to be so He can use them.

My son has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but he's a better person from it.

My daughter has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but she's a better person.

My husband & I have learned some hard lessons the hard way, but I pray we are better because of it.

Just like the phoenix, out of the ashes. I've clung to that image for over a year now, knowing that it will be ok & that we will rise again.

Are You Ready

I've watched the endless news coverage, witnessed hordes of people wipe out grocery stores & gas stations, seen them trim trees, place sandbags, & secure outdoor furniture. Hurricane Florence is own her way.

Are you ready?

This storm is being labeled "The Storm of a Lifetime". Its no joke.

Are you ready?

We are much more fortunate than previous generations. More often than not, they had no clue something deadly was lurking around the next corner. They paid with land, livestock, many times, their lives.

I'm thankful that we have advance notice so we can prepare for emergencies. I'm thankful for scientific discoveries & equipment that give us hours, days, & sometimes even weeks to prepare.

We prepare for unforeseen disasters all our lives. Storms, financial ruin, sickness. We make our homes safe. We save money. We purchase insurance. All of these things we set up "just in case".

Just in case something horrific may or may not happen.

Just in case disaster wipes out life as we know it.

Just in case we never experience a single hardship.

Still, just in case.

Are you ready?

We've heard about a storm unlike anything we have ever experienced. We've heard about a day that will change everything. We've heard about a returning that will one day take us home.

But yet we ignore those warnings.

Jesus Christ is on His way!

Are you ready?

Just as we prepare for Earthly storms & disaster, we need to prepare for Eternal life.

Do you know that you know that you know where death will take you? Do you have your reservations set up in Heaven?

Are you ready?

Eternity is too long to base it on "I hope so". Its too long to base it on "I think so".

Are you ready?

Have you checked on your family? Have you checked on your neighbors? What about the stranger down the street? You wouldn't let them drown in a flood if you could help, would you?

Why would you leave them to fend for themselves for all eternity?

Are they ready?

There's a storm coming!

Are you ready?

You Are More

I was recently talking to someone where they said "I am a professional ... "(fill in the blank however you see fit). It got me to thinking.

Some people know exactly what they want to be from day one. And that's great. Those people have found their passion & have fought tooth & nail to make those dreams come true.

Some people bounce back & forth between ideas, schools, & jobs, yet still they have no clue what they really want to do in life. They just end up working whatever job pays more. And many of them are happy that way.

Some people start on one path in life only to be derailed or rerouted somewhere else. It's not what they expected, planned, or even wanted, but they learn that the new path is just as good, if not better,  than the original.

For so many years, when asked about what I do, I found myself saying "I'm just a mom" or "I'm just a substitute teacher". When asked about my life, I usually end up talking about my kids or my husband. Afterall, who they are or what they do seems so much more interesting than what I do.

But I've realized that I am more! I am more than just a mom. I am Austin, Makenzie, & Logan's mom! Someone else might be "more qualified" or more efficient. But no one could ever love them more! God handpicked me, ME to be their mom.

I am more than just a preacher's wife, a paramedic's wife. I am Justin's wife. God joined our hearts together 20 years ago so we could walk hand in hand through this journey.

And although I still may just be "the sub" for the day, I absolutely love my job. I love so many of those kids like they were my own & I know they love me as well. Where else can you walk through the door & get bombarded by teenagers happy to see you? Certainly not your own house most days.

So whatever your title, whether it be a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Trash Collector, a Maintenance Man, a Mom, a Dad, wear that title with honor & know that God has a plan for your life. He has handpicked YOU to do things that NO ONE else can do.

I'm thankful that God has allowed me to be a mom, a wife, & a sub. It may not mean anything to you, but it sure does me.

It's Game Day Y'all

In towns all across America, people are gearing up for tonight. Months of hard work will finally be showcased tonight. Those hard working men (& some women) will finally be able to show off what they've learned, how they've grown, be seen under the lights, & have their names echo from the stands. And for a few moments, those ordinary, everyday youngins can feel like stars!

Those Friday Night Lights are legendary, especially in small towns in the south.

We are gearing up for our 11th football season. It takes over your time, your money, your car, your laundry. It takes away your voice, takes away your breath, & steals your heart.

As always, we start every season with hopes & dreams. Hope for a good season, hope for no injury, hope for success, & dreams of championships & glory.

This year is a little different for us, well for me anyway. I start this year with the same hopes & dreams, but mixed with anxiety, concern, & trepidation. (For the record, I'm not sure where the word trepidation came from. I'm not sure I've ever used it before, but as this post was flowing through my head, so was the word trepidation. So there you go.)

It was only a year ago that I watched, helplessly, as our family went through the biggest trial we've ever experienced. All because of a stupid decision during opening week of football.

I can't help but worry.

Even though I've seen my son grow. I've seen him change. I've seen him walk away from fights when I know his temper was boiling. I've seen him break up fights so others wouldn't get hurt or in trouble. I've seen him hit the altar at church with tears in his eyes. I've heard him call home from church camp absolutely broken about how good God has been. I've seen him make hard decisions that I know at the time he questioned. I've heard "I'm sorry for the hell I've put you through mom".

I've also heard the laughter return to his voice. I've heard joy & excitement when he talks about things. I've seen more friends coming back around. I've seen him opening back up. I've seen less worry & stress on his face. I've seen his eyes light up.

I can't help but worry.

After last season, he swore he wasn't playing again. My heart hurt. It hurt for him. It hurt for me. It hurt for missed opportunities & making memories. It hurt for regrets.

We have a brand new start this year. A brand new year, a brand new team, a brand new number (oh mercy kid, pick a number & stick with it), a brand new coach, a brand new set of plays, a brand new principle.

A brand new hope.

Don't mind me. I'll be the one praying fervently, screaming my head off, & ringing the cow bell for all I'm worth.

So here's to another football season & those Friday night lights.

I’m Thankful for Smoke Detectors at 2am

Have you ever be woken up in the middle of the night by your smoke detector? It’s kind of a weird feeling. You’re sleepy, you’re disoriented, you’re heart is pounding, you’re scared of the unknown.

That sound at that time is usually one of a parent’s worst nightmares. That might usually be the case, but it wasn’t mine. At least it wasn’t last night.

Last night, when my smoke detector woke me from a sound sleep at around 2am, I couldn’t help but smile a little.

I smiled because I smelled a familiar smell about 45 minutes earlier. And yes, that smell woke me up as well.

As I opened my bedroom door, through the smoky haze, I see one teenage boy asleep on the couch, oblivious to everything around him, I see one laughing hysterically on the floor, and I see my oldest son frantically fanning the smoke detector saying “sorry Mom”. It was 2am, they are teenagers, and they were hungry. They set the smoke detector off cooking a pizza (which reminds me... again... I really need to clean the oven).

So today, I’m thankful for friends, food, and working smoke detectors. But most of all I’m thankful that these boys were at my house texting girls & eating everything in the house instead of being out somewhere getting into trouble.

I would much rather be woken up from laughter & smoke detectors than from worry, fear, & dread. I pray that they always feel comfortable enough to walk through my doors without knocking & to help themselves to the junk food stash like its their own.

Lord, keep them safe, it’s a hard world out there.

Fear is a LIAR

I've never been a person to always look at the black cloud or to sit and worry about senseless, useless things that might never happen, ...
but then I had teenagers.

Having children is a pretty frightening ordeal in & of itself, but teenagers take it to a whole new level. They take the normal everyday fears that all parents worry about & they wad it up into a ball, bounce it off your head, set it on fire, & drop it off a cliff.

I'm talking FEAR people!

There's sex, drugs, social media, drinking, bad influences, driving, countless illegal stuff, & that just barely scratches the surface.

If you have teenagers, you better be praying constantly over them. If you are close to having teenagers, you better start praying now as well. If you've already had teenagers & everyone made it through without too many incidents, will you please pray for the rest of us?

I'm talking FEAR people!

My anxiety is at an all time high here lately. I'm trying so hard just to rest in the Lord & His mercies. Trying to rest is His promises.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This has got to be one of my favorite songs out right now. 

Have you heard it?

https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

1st Annual Girls Weekend

I had the honor of watching my beautiful daughter perform in her first cheer competition this past weekend. Their squad didn't even place, but I was beyond proud.

So many of them had never cheered competitively & a few of them had never cheered at all, ever. So for them to throw a routine together in just a few short weeks, get out there with very little mistakes, hold their heads up as they realized the weren't going to win, & walk out of there smiling & laughing. Yes, I was proud.

But my favorite part of this weekend wasn't the competition. It wasn't hanging out with her friends (& moms) after. It wasn't the fact that we went to the beach afterward. It was the journey itself. It was going somewhere with just her, focusing on just us having fun. No fighting for attention from everyone else. No arguing over the radio. No "are we there yet?" or "he's touching me!".

It was just Makenzie & me, doing exactly what we wanted to do, on our time table. Stopping for out of the way adventures & eating at "hole in the wall" places.
*For those of you that don't know me well enough to understand the importance of the hole in the wall, think of it as your favorite local restaurant that most visitors don't know anything about, the place that has very little advertisement, but amazing food. You can have your chain restaurants & stores, give me a local cafe anyday.*

I can remember taking trips with my mom, grandma, cousin, & aunt when I was little. Oh the fun we had.

I hope the girls weekend trips become a regular event. And I hope she looks back on them with as many fond memories as I have!

I will survive, right?

I have thought so many times lately that I need to write, I want to write, but the words won't come. They're right there, floating around in my brain, but I can't put them in the order they need to be. And when I do get my thoughts together, I can't help but think, why bother. It feels like the same ole struggle and the same ole worries with the same ole outcome and quite frankly, that just sucks.

Why do so many of my heartaches involve my teenage son? Oh mercy, I feel so much older than I actually am. And why do so many of his issues involve girls?

I'm trying so hard not to meddle, really I am. But its hard when you sit there and watch your baby become so much less than you dreamed they would be. So much less than what they are capable of being.

He has been lying about everything. His grades have severely dropped. He argues with everyone around him. I can't help but believe its all about a girl.

Isn't it always...

Then he fights constantly with the girl & gets defensive if we say anything about it. 

I am so utterly clueless with this parenting thing.

I'll try my best not to constantly depress you with our struggles, but that's the stage of life we are in right now.

Tell me that we will survive this.

I’m Waiting on the Bigger & Better

Sometimes certain people have been in your life so long it’s hard to remember where they came from, how they got there, & even how you lived before they showed up. Sometimes people are in it for the long haul, no matter what, the highs & lows, through thick & thin. Sometimes people are just there for a short period when you seem to need each other most.

Sometimes people grow apart, develop new friends, or find new interests. Sometimes people move.

Then sometimes people walk out of your life at what feels like your rock bottom, when you feel you need them the most, when you feel all alone, when you feel no one is left in your corner. Those are the people that are hardest to forgive, that are hardest to get over, that are hardest to understand.

It’s not easy seeing those people at places where you used to be included. It’s not easy knowing that their life went on just as if you never existed. It’s not easy being on the outside looking in.

God has a reason for allowing those people in your life. Just as He has a reason for allowing those people to walk out of your life.

It certainly doesn’t make it any easier but at least maybe one day, the reason will become clear &
you can hold your head up a little higher knowing that even when those people tried to push you down, you came out on top.

Here’s to waiting, praying, BEGGING for the day that God sends someone even better to replace “those people”!

Ask and It Shall be Given

Far too often, I feel like a failure as a wife & mother. We all do, I think.

I feel like sometimes I neglect my marriage, neglect my husband. I know we are secure in our love & with each other so I fail to put in the effort that I should. I take my husband for granted (just like he takes me for granted). I get so caught up in the day to day insanity that I forget to nurture our relationship.

To be perfectly honest, we took an Anniversary trip several years back celebrating our 10 year, & I was miserable. I missed my kids. I didn’t know what to talk about. I was bored.

I’ve asked God to help me. Help me love my husband more. Help me adore him more. Help me want him more.

More recently (the past few years), I’ve started cherishing our alone time. Our mini vacations, our breakfast dates, riding along if he has to go somewhere. I enjoy being with just him.

As I was walking through the woods the other day with him to get a deer stand, I realized that God had answered my prayer.

He changed my heart & gave me a stronger desire for the one He picked out for me.

Then a strange thought struck me & I couldn’t help but giggle a little. I started looking forward to spending more time with my husband when my relationship with my teenager started getting stressful!

I immediately thanked God for renewing that love while apologizing for not praying for my kids enough.

Lord, help me through the rough days. Help me to cherish the good days. Help me to hold fast to your promises on all the days in between!

A Few Minutes Later

I have NEVER been so scared in all my life!

I was in the kitchen the other day cooking supper & thinking about a saint of God that just passed away. Austin was in his room, doing who knows what (cleaning supposedly), Makenzie was in her room, doing who knows what (homework supposedly), Logan was in my bathroom taking a bath.

I had just recently checked on all of them, talking to Austin about his day, making sure Makenzie was doing more homework than socializing, giving Logan his boat that he forgot to put within reach of the tub. I realized that all of a sudden it was quiet. Impossibly quiet!

As a mother, strange thoughts run through your head at strange moments. Dread filled my mind & I thought, “there’s no way...”.

I hurried to my bathroom, where it was still so quiet. I saw the boat exactly where I left it, untouched. I saw the water, perfectly still. I saw Logan’s little hand stretched out, not moving. Then I saw that he was laying completely covered in the water. The ONLY part not under water was his mouth & nose.

I said his name. I hoped he was washing his hair.

It took me a moment to react.

I jerked on his hand, & what felt like ever so slowly, he sat up. He looked at me confused as tears rushed down my cheeks. He had fallen asleep in the tub.

I couldn’t do much more than cry as I did my best not to scold him for falling asleep & explain that he could have died!

When he realized what had happened, Logan started crying as well. He just kept telling me he was so sorry.

Fear set in as I realized just how horrible this could have ended. If I had waited even a few minutes longer to check on him....

Lord I can’t bear the thought.

Does Anyone Else Smell Onions

I never knew that body order smelled like onions!

About a year ago, I started really thinking about the products I was using in my home. I started paying attention to labels, ingredients. I started looking to more natural minded websites, apps, & companies.

One of the first (& certainly most difficult) changes I made was from regular deodorant to a natural deodorant. I thought it would be quick & easy. Boy was I wrong!

I picked the absolute worst time! I switched over in the wicked dog days of summer, just a week or so before we went on a camping trip filled with record highs & torrential downpours. To say that I stunk was an understatement!

I could not, for the life of me, figure out WHY I kept smelling like onions! I finally said something to my husband who found it absolutely hilarious, asking me if I had never sweated before. Well, why yes, I have sweated plenty of times, but due to my aluminum filled, pore clogging antiperspirant, my body never had the opportunity to release its natural smells. So I had YEARS worth of pent up BO just waiting to be set free!

Again...I had no clue body odor smelled like onions!

After this incredibly frustrating period, several companies, scents galore, & lots of research, I finally found a deodorant that works great, smells wonderful, & doesn’t break the bank.

 Schmidts is the only deodorant that I tried that actually worked for me. I tried the sensitive first because others have broken me out in the past but I was having to reapply it too often. I tried the regular & was still needing to reapply it occasionally, but overall I was happy.

Then I received a sample of the pit paste in Lime & Bergamot. I was a little concerned because it came in a glass jar with a spatula. How in this world am I going to put deodorant on with a spatula?

Weirdness aside, I started using this & LOVED it! It worked better than the stick leaving me fresh & non sweaty most of the day. There have only been a few times that I’ve needed to reapply & when I do, I use the stick for convenience.

The only downside is the occasional irritation & the darkening of my underarms. The irritation I can deal with. The discoloration...I’ve found a recipe (all natural of course) to help clear that up. I’ll let you know how it works...

Where is common courtesy? Where is human decency?

Like so many others, my heart breaks for the families in Florida, and everywhere else that has dealt with school shootings.

When Columbine happened, the world stopped! We were in shock! We were horrified! We couldn’t believe that someone, anyone could be so heartless!

But eventually life went on, at least for the majority of the world. Some lives were changed forever, but after a few weeks, did we think about them at all? Maybe a passing sad thought, but that’s it.

Until it happened again. WHAT!? I can’t believe someone else did this. I can’t believe someone else took innocent lives without thinking twice.

And again, we were sad, but eventually went on. 

Until it happened again, and again, and again. Until finally, we are no longer horrified! It almost feels normal. Yes, it’s still horrible, but we just stand by & point fingers, try to find a motive, & scream from the rooftops it’s time for change.

I stumbled across THIS ARTICLE & it says so much about what we aren’t even talking about! It is time for change, but not from the government, not from the lawmakers, not from the President. It’s time WE changed! 

Just recently I overheard a group of young ladies discussing how someone threatened to kill hisself. You want to know their response... they laughed & said they would miss him. They weren’t even sure if it was worth telling someone, or contacting his parents. (For the record, I spoke up & said “YES, you need to tell someone!”)

I’ve also heard multiple stories from my daughter who is in MIDDLE SCHOOL mention that so & so is thinking about suicide! MIDDLE SCHOOL!

I understand that this issue isn’t suicide, BUT the problem here is a lack of concern! We have been so indoctrinated with violence, rape, bullying, drugs, SIN, that we laugh it off or look the other way. 

How many times have we said “that’s not my problem” or “that’s not my business”? 

I think it’s time we make it our business! It’s time we make it our concern! 

And THIS is Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

Some days I wonder how the world is still turning, how it is still functioning. How century after century, the population not only continues, but increases. How did any of us survive through adolescence without our parents strangling us? This teenage stuff is for the birds. Its rough, I tell you.

I swear my oldest son has single handedly provided me with enough drama & heartache to last a lifetime. And its scary when I realize we're only halfway through the teen years.

There's a song out right now that while I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, I can't help but think of him everytime I hear it.

 I'm never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

'Cause every time I open up, it hurts

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

It's HARD getting your heart broken over & over again by those that you love the most!

My devotional this morning in The Joseph Calling was about David learning that Saul had been killed. My first thought was, what does this have to do with Joseph? But as I read on I understood.

David had every right to be happy that Saul, the very one who had made his life miserable, was gone. But he didn't. He was sorrowful. He mourned. Makes you wonder WHY David was sad his enemy had finally been defeated once & for all...

"WHEN WE BEGIN TO SEE PEOPLE AS GOD DOES, WE'LL NO LONGER LOOK AT THEM AS ENEMIES, BUT AS SOULS IN NEED OF GRACE."

I wept! I couldn't have read on any farther if my life depended on it!

My teenage son may not be my enemy but some days it sure feels like it!

He needs my grace just as I need God's grace.

Hypocrite - Table for One

In an earth shattering moment, I realized I was acting just like my mother & I was going against the very advice I had just given someone else a few days before. (If you want to be with someone, be with them & don’t listen to the negative crowd)

Before I had kids, I didn’t know a lot about parenting, but I knew enough to know I didn’t want to repeat many of my mother’s actions. If you’ve been a reader for any amount of time, you know our relationship isn’t fabulous. It is much better than when I was a teenager however.

My precious preteen daughter has another little boy interested in her. Why do they insist on relationships now?! Ugh!

I wasn’t too excited. All I could think about was the drama of the past. You see, we’ve already been in a relationship with this family. My oldest son had an on again off again relationship with the oldest daughter all throughout middle school, until finally in high school, they discovered they were better off as friends. They are still best friends.

I tried my best to discourage this relationship (with my daughter), tried to explain that they were already really good friends so just leave it alone. Well, it happened anyway, at least for 4 days. Until we discussed it again & I was a little more opinionated. I couldn’t handle it. This is my baby here. My only daughter. She’s not enough supposed to be old enough to be interested in boys.

Then it hit me. I couldn’t get it out of my head, my heart, my memories. And the tears flowed freely from the pain of the past & from the uncertainty of the future.

I had pulled a classic Susie moment. I had made a decision based on my feelings alone.

I was instantly transported back to 12-13 years old when I was head over heels for this little boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Cute kid, good athlete, head over heels for me, but he was poor, he came from a bad home, & he wasn’t the smartest kid in class. My mom allowed us to be boyfriend & girlfriend for a little while, then put her foot down. I was DEVASTATED. It didn’t matter though, she didn’t care. And I didn’t stop seeing him. I snuck around, sat with him on the bus, held his hand at school, called him when she wasn’t home, even got to see him almost every day that summer because his best friend lived in my neighborhood (side note, I lost 25 pounds that summer because I was running through the woods with these roughneck boys).

Eventually the fondness dwindled & we stopped seeing each other, but the damage had been done. I felt my mom had crossed a line & I didn’t care if it was ever repaired. That certainly wasn’t the last time she forbid me from seeing a boy or from being friends with someone.

I DON’T WANT THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS!

I want them to talk to me about anything & everything. I want them to know I’m here for them, even when I don’t agree with them.

So I had another heart to heart with her, explained my heart, my mistakes, & my dilemma. She decided on her own this time, that they are better off as friends.

Lord help me to be a much better parent in the future!