I Wonder What He's Thinking

Its been far too long. I've had several things on my mind & on my heart, but not the words or the desire to express them.

But tonight, its like a flood gate has been opened up. Its funny. That's how it always comes, when I know that God is using me to tell a story.

I learned something tonight. Well, its not the first time that I've been "taught" this lesson, but it was a gentle reminder that stopped me in my tracks.

While having a discussion with Austin tonight, I was forced to stand my ground. We have always taught our children that when they start something, they will finish it. If, after its over, they never want to do that thing again, then its fine. But we are not quitters. When we make a commitment, we stick to it. Other people are counting on us. We need to be dependable.

Tears were cried, voices were raised, words that weren't meant were said, but when it was all over & done, we were able to hug, apologize, & say I love you.

It was in those moments as I was calling out to God for direction, guidance, & strength that Austin came back to me. I cried even harder as my baby, who is no longer a baby, my baby, who is taller than me now, laid his head on my chest & cried as he hugged me & apologized.

My heart is breaking because he is unhappy, but there's a lesson here for both of us.We both need to learn to stand by what we say. We also need to stop before we act.

I wonder if I break God's heart as often as my children break mine?

I wonder if He cries as many tears over me as I do over them?

I wonder if He questions my love for Him just as I question theirs for me?

I wonder if He wonders if I will ever change/learn/grow up? If He's done the right thing by allowing me to make the choices I do?

I KNOW that God doesn't make mistakes, but a mother's love is the closest thing that compares to God's love so you can't help but think about how His heart aches for us.