Come to the Table

"Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. 

Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight in fatness.

Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near."

Isaiah 55:1,2,6

On this New Year's morning, the bright and shiny day of a new year, a new decade even, the tears came fast and free as I read my devotional.

The past couple of days have been great at my house. We haven't had any real plans. We haven't been rushing from one place to another. We have had time to sit down at our table (yes, I really have one when it's not covered with stuff), eat supper, and enjoy family time. With 3 different practice schedules, a full time job, a part time job with hours that are more full time than part, 2 coaching jobs, plus 2 teenagers that have plans of their own, those days are few and far between. 

When life gets so crazy hectic, the guilt really sets in. I worry if they are enjoying their childhood. I worry that its all too much. I worry if I have done enough, or taught enough, or loved enough.

With our busyness, too often I neglect the house, family dinners, bedtime stories, the 3rd grader's homework, my personal needs, writing, God, too many things to list. And of course, I don't have anything to cook for breakfast, so its frozen waffles...again.

Then I read this devotional that I've been enjoying by an equally busy mom of 4 boys and it pierces my heart the way good things so often do.

"Today, Jesus invited me to come to His table. Come and eat, He wants to fill me up, yet I have this lingering doubt, Do you really want just me? I don't have much to offer...I should really bring something...earn my place at your table. I scrape together a chocolate dirt and worms pudding pie full of excuses, I'm sorrys and should haves. I bring along a list of what I think I got right and how I'm trying so hard. It's the best I could do amidst the hurriedness of life. 

Arriving, I'm embarrassed to see I am His only guest. There is a table full of my favorites laid out before me as a reminder of how well He knows my heart. Then Jesus himself serves me. The main course of truth with a side of grace and oh-so-sweet bread of life lathered in love. I set my dirt and worms pie off to the side realizing my effort wasn't needed, He just wanted me to enjoy dinner on the house."

I'm so thankful that Jesus doesn't place the same expectations on my life that I do. I'm so thankful that even though I think I have failed far more than I could have possibly succeeded, He is still there, waiting, with His table set beautifully just for me.

*devotion from The Shadow of My Porch Swing*

October 2, 2018

This day. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for THIS DAY.

This day probably doesn't mean anything to you, but it means so much to my family.

It means freedom. It means being able to breathe easier. It means returning to a somewhat normal life. It means its finally over.

It means 398 days since our world turned upside down & in that time I've grown to seriously dislike some numbers.

First & foremost August 29, 2017. I might just erase the day if I could.

Followed closely by October 2, 2017. I have faced many things in my life. I've been mad, upset, & scared over situations out of my control, but I've NEVER experienced fear the way I did on October 2, 2017. And there was NOTHING I could do about it.

Helpless. Hopeless. Betrayed. Scared. Angry. Confused.

• 365 - 365 days until this nightmare was officially over.

• 11 - an 11 month deadline

• 65 - 65 hours that seemed like a waste of time

• 5 - 5 months of mental evaluations

• 60 - every 60 days that someone questioned my parenting

• 30 - every 30 days of check ins

• 4 - 4 charges that all started with a moment of unclear thinking

• 3 - 3 days a week that my home was invaded

• 9 - 9 hours that felt like a prison sentence

• 1.5 - 1.5 hrs that seemed like a bigger waste of time

• 1 - 1 huge mistake

• 0 - 0 unexcused absences

• random - enough random testing to make you doubt your sanity

Unfortunately, the list goes on. I just can't put it into number form.


If you don't know me personally or if you didn't know us then, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about & that's ok. Just know that life is better now. I've learned real friends from fake. I've learned how to keep my circle small. I've learned that sometimes, all you have is the people in your home.

I've also developed a new appreciation for some numbers.

• 24 - 24 hours, Tomorrow is a new day & you get to start over again & again & again, & sometimes that's all you can do - start over & hope for better

• 5 - 5 means Grace, Grace form God, Grace for each other, & Grace from each other

• 5 - 5 also happens to be the number in my family, while its not perfect, its the one God gave me

and most importantly

• 2 - 2nd chances, and sometimes 3rds & 4ths & 5ths as well

But after a full year to reflect, I realize that I've learned to appreciate August 29, 2017 & October 2, 2017. Without them, my family wouldn't be who we are today. Without  them, my family could be a lot worse off than we are now. Without them, decisions to turn & walk away from bad situations might not have ever happened. Without them, maturity might have come at a higher cost. Without them, a darker, harsher future might have come about.

I believe that God allows things to happen in order to bring people to the place He wants them to be so He can use them.

My son has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but he's a better person from it.

My daughter has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but she's a better person.

My husband & I have learned some hard lessons the hard way, but I pray we are better because of it.

Just like the phoenix, out of the ashes. I've clung to that image for over a year now, knowing that it will be ok & that we will rise again.

Are You Ready

I've watched the endless news coverage, witnessed hordes of people wipe out grocery stores & gas stations, seen them trim trees, place sandbags, & secure outdoor furniture. Hurricane Florence is own her way.

Are you ready?

This storm is being labeled "The Storm of a Lifetime". Its no joke.

Are you ready?

We are much more fortunate than previous generations. More often than not, they had no clue something deadly was lurking around the next corner. They paid with land, livestock, many times, their lives.

I'm thankful that we have advance notice so we can prepare for emergencies. I'm thankful for scientific discoveries & equipment that give us hours, days, & sometimes even weeks to prepare.

We prepare for unforeseen disasters all our lives. Storms, financial ruin, sickness. We make our homes safe. We save money. We purchase insurance. All of these things we set up "just in case".

Just in case something horrific may or may not happen.

Just in case disaster wipes out life as we know it.

Just in case we never experience a single hardship.

Still, just in case.

Are you ready?

We've heard about a storm unlike anything we have ever experienced. We've heard about a day that will change everything. We've heard about a returning that will one day take us home.

But yet we ignore those warnings.

Jesus Christ is on His way!

Are you ready?

Just as we prepare for Earthly storms & disaster, we need to prepare for Eternal life.

Do you know that you know that you know where death will take you? Do you have your reservations set up in Heaven?

Are you ready?

Eternity is too long to base it on "I hope so". Its too long to base it on "I think so".

Are you ready?

Have you checked on your family? Have you checked on your neighbors? What about the stranger down the street? You wouldn't let them drown in a flood if you could help, would you?

Why would you leave them to fend for themselves for all eternity?

Are they ready?

There's a storm coming!

Are you ready?

Fear is a LIAR

I've never been a person to always look at the black cloud or to sit and worry about senseless, useless things that might never happen, ...
but then I had teenagers.

Having children is a pretty frightening ordeal in & of itself, but teenagers take it to a whole new level. They take the normal everyday fears that all parents worry about & they wad it up into a ball, bounce it off your head, set it on fire, & drop it off a cliff.

I'm talking FEAR people!

There's sex, drugs, social media, drinking, bad influences, driving, countless illegal stuff, & that just barely scratches the surface.

If you have teenagers, you better be praying constantly over them. If you are close to having teenagers, you better start praying now as well. If you've already had teenagers & everyone made it through without too many incidents, will you please pray for the rest of us?

I'm talking FEAR people!

My anxiety is at an all time high here lately. I'm trying so hard just to rest in the Lord & His mercies. Trying to rest is His promises.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This has got to be one of my favorite songs out right now. 

Have you heard it?

https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

Can I Love You Through It

I know that everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason. Some to help you, some so you help them, some to help each other. No matter what, there's a reason.

There's a new person in our life right now & my heart breaks for her. Part of me wants to pull her in, love on her, and attempt to solve all her problems. Part of me is scared to allow her too close because I know the hurt & baggage she is carrying. I'm scared that her past will bring more damage to my family than my family can bring happiness & healing to her.

Austin is positively head over heels in love (well, as in love as you can truly be as a teenager) with this sweet little girl who has a horrible past. Dead beat, drug addict parents, in and out of foster care, horrors that no woman, let alone young girl, should have to endure, numerous adoptions that have fallen through.

She's had a rough start in life. And my son, who has a heart of gold, treats her like a princess. He doesn't look at her past, but tries to love her through it. He doesn't look at the fact that she lives in a children's home, but wants her to experience family the way it should be.

And to be perfectly honest, she's worked her way into all of our hearts.

I don't understand how God allows these things to go on day after day. I don't understand why children suffer while adults stand by not caring. I don't understand the heartache, the pain, the abandonment.

I know it happens all the time, but this is the first time its ever been this real to us.

I understand that we never know God's plan, but I'm really confused on this one.

I'm trying to provide a somewhat normal, loving environment, but am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Is this really a good thing? Or are we going to be burned beyond repair when its all over?

I Never Knew I could be this Tired

So it's been a while. OK it's been a REALLY LONG while.

I've missed writing. I've had other people tell me they have missed my writing.

Right now, I really don't care if anyone reads any of these or not (there will be several for awhile). These next few posts are strictly for my attempts at healing my own heart & soul. But hey, that's why I started writing in the first place. It had nothing to do with a certain number of views, how many comments, or pats on the back. I just needed to express myself or I would explode. I'm there again. No one to talk to but this stupid computer.

My heart just hasn't been in it. I have been empty. I can't explain it any other way. EMPTY. NOTHING. No encouragement, no soothing words, no nothing. It's hard to encourage others when you barely have the energy to make it through the day yourself.

I'm starting to think I am going crazy. But in reality its probably depression. No, I'm not going to the doctor. At least not yet.

I can't even begin to explain what I've felt over the last year. It's all jumbled up inside me anyway, I can barely understand it myself. I just know that life is hard & it seems to be getting harder.

2016 as a whole has been a pretty crappy year. With a few exceptions in the summer where we experienced out of this world revivals & saw hundreds of people (including my two oldest children) saved, the rest of the year has been not much more than a black cloud.

And I guess that's it. When you are so high up, it doesn't take much to crash & burn.

We've experienced more things go wrong, more things break, more things cost lots of money than we have in a long time. (think major appliances break & rebreak, think not just one, but all 3 of our vehicles needing extensive repair) In addition to that, we've experienced far too many weeks with very little income coming in. That's one of my downfalls. I worry too much about money. Not that I've ever had much, but we've always just "gotten by". I am so tried of getting by. Getting by sucks.

My husband is finally realizing his dream. He is just a few short months away from becoming a paramedic. I'm so proud of him.

But behind the scenes, no one sees just how hard it has been.

He works 4 (yes, 4!! - plumbing with his dad, fire extinguishers with his mom. athletic trainer for football & wrestling at the high school, & EMS) jobs. He also goes to school 2 nights a week & every other Saturday. And tries to preach when he can.
(Which by the way, several people look down on him because they don't think EMS allows him to put God first. To those people, whatever, worry about your own life & then you won't have time to worry about ours.)

I hate to complain because I KNOW he is exhausted, but so am I. This has left me solely taking care of our kids. Do you have any idea how busy my kids are??!! I've always said that I knew I could do it on my own, well I've proven it & I don't want to do it on my own anymore. I am bone shattering weary. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, & honestly, spiritually as well.

I'm just tired. There are no other words.

Matthew 11:28-30 " Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give 

you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: 

and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

I know my Bible is true, but sometimes its hard. I'm trying, really I am...

Seeing is Believing or Is It

Today's society has become so jaded that many refuse to believe something unless they see it for themselves. Others are so naive that they believe everything they see & hear. Then there are those that are a mixture of the two. Not taking everything at face value, but still having hope there is good in the world.

We certainly aren't the first generation to corner the market on trust issues.

All down through history, people have spread rumors before they knew the truth, people have jumped because King so & so told them to, people have lied, cheated, & stole to get what they want.

"People" have always been fickle.

John 20: 24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

As I read this verse this morning, tears flooded my eyes. I am so thankful that I didn't have to see Jesus crucified to KNOW how much He loved me. I didn't have to see His death to KNOW He suffered for me. I didn't have to see His resurrection to KNOW He defeated death, Hell, & the grave.

I don't have to wait to see Heaven to KNOW that it's real! And most importantly, I don't have to wait to see Jesus stepping out on a cloud to KNOW that He is coming back for His children!

I may have many doubts throughout my life, but I'm thankful that I didn't have to SEE to KNOW that my father is the KING OF KINGS!!!

How Ready are You

We all lose focus from time to time. We all get caught up in the hustle & bustle of our lives that we forget to worry about anything else around us.

In just the past few weeks, lives have been changed forever.....

Several people that I went to school with have passed away. These are people MY AGE. And folks, at 37, I'm no where near old enough to be concerned about dying yet.

A few different families have been irrevocably altered with tragedy, death, and bad news while on vacation.

A whole community has been turned upside down due to a years old grudge.

A family sits around waiting for a saint to breath his last.

And these are all people I know! We won't even talk about all the death, destruction, & what not going on in the world.

Again, I have been reminded of just how precious and fragile life is.

Death is inevitable.

No matter what your name is, how much money you have, who you know, where you live, or what your beliefs are, there is no escaping it. At some point everyone...EVERYONE must face death. And unlike life, where we often share experiences with others, we must face death all by ourselves. Sure you may be surrounded by those you love, but when it comes time, we all must cross over alone.

When we finally see our Lord face to face, we are the only ones accountable for our decisions. It won't matter who our friends were, where we worked, or why we made the choices we did. The most important thing once we die is if we were saved, if we accepted Jesus.

Knowing this & knowing just how short & uncertain life is, why not get this settled NOW before its too late!

Once you take that last breath, once you see His face, once you stand before the gates, its too late!

I Didn't Know

We were on vacation last week. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This vacation was planned and paid for back in February. We spent a week in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia.

I didn't have any real "ideas" to how this vacation would go, I just knew I wanted to go somewhere we've never been before. I also didn't know that we would be staying in an almost dead zone as far as internet signals were concerned.

I didn't know that the fire call that my husband ignored Monday morning because we were trying to get on the road would change a community. Who knows, if he would have responded, he could have been one of those fighting for their life.

I didn't know the family whose life was changed forever while they were simply on vacation. That could have easily been us.

I didn't know that America as we know it would be turned upside down in a matter of minutes.

I didn't know any of this was going to happen while we were on vacation. I didn't know that I would have to struggle to get bits & pieces of information because I couldn't just look it up any time I wanted to.

I didn't know, but GOD did.

He knew where I would be when all of this happened. He knew ages ago where we would all be. He directed us to where we needed to be & where He wanted us to be.

The struggles that went on, not just last week, but last month, last year, every single twist & turn in the road He already knew about it. He's been carving out the road in this life from the very beginning.

Why do we worry so about things we have no control over?

I'm Tired

I don't know about you, but I'm tired!

Yes I run wide open more often than I don't. I tend to carry more plates than I can hold. And somehow I'm usually supposed to be in several different places at the same time.

I'm tired!

Before you go comparing our schedules & start laughing at who puts on a more entertaining juggling show, let me explain.

My physical state is NOT what I'm writing about today. Even though it applies, that can easily be fixed with a little shut eye.

I'm tired on a spiritual level.

I'm not even talking about my incompetence as a Christian.

BUT I'M TIRED!

I am tired of Satan getting the upper hand on me. I'm tired of him using my loved ones to get the best of me. I'm tired of him using my insecurities, my pain, and my fears to make me question the right decision. I'm tired of him thinking that my past will trip me up the way it used to.

My husband loves me unconditionally. He's not perfect, but he does the best he can. My children bring me more joy and more heartache than I ever knew was possible. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom is even harder. I don't always react the way I should. I don't always have all the answers. I don't always show the love I have in my heart. But I hope, at the end of the day, they know how hard I try!

I have a hard time opening up. I have a hard time trusting. I allow people to get to me more than I let on. I worry about things I have no control over.

I'm NOT the person I used to be. I'm not perfect. I fall every single day. I'm no where near where I need to be, but I'm a lot farther down the road from where I once was.

Satan isn't happy with who I aspire to be. He isn't happy with who God wants be to be. He knows he no longer has me, but he wants me so beaten down that I'm no good to anyone.

I have no clue what God has in store for my life. I'm not sure why He entrusted me with all these blessings that love me. But I do know that His word says in Jerimiah 29:11

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil".

So yes, I'm tired!! And I intend to rely on God to help me fix it!

A Beautiful White Change of Pace

Yet again, here in NC we are experiencing snow. Not the Snow-Mageddon or the Snowpocalypse that we experienced last year, but just enough to sled on.

The first flakes of the season hit last week just as the kids were coming off of a long weekend and the frigid temps allowed it to hang around for a few days. Then after one day back to school with a 2 hour delay, we awoke to an unexpected "dusting" that produced several inches and 2 more days out of school. Now we are staring at the possibility of another storm that will shut down the world the rest of the week.

I read Facebook & can't help but laugh. Some are excited, some are disgusted, some are angry, & some are begging for a change. We sure are a fickle lot! NO ONE is ever happy!

I get it, I really do. The snow is fun for a little while, but it does tend to throw things helter skelter. And we sure do like things to go according to plan.

Now don't get me wrong, my kids have gotten on my nerves more than once, I have washed & dried & dried & dried about 3 times as much laundry, my floors are a mess, I have towels lining the entryways, & we are out of snacks...again. But for the most part I have thoroughly enjoyed this beautiful mess.

You see since this summer we have been none stop! Between Justin, Austin, & Makenize, we literally had football 6 days a week for months! Then we went right into wrestling season with Justin as the high school trainer there too. So again, many weeks, we had wrestling 6 days out of 7. Add to that tutoring & a few clubs for Makenzie, plus church activities and several other things going on, WE HAVE BEEN BUSY!

So last week was very much welcomed at our house. We ate supper at the table more times than we didn't. We cuddled on the couch watching movies. We sledded under the moonlight. We played Monopoly for hours on end. We baked brownies & muffins. ***We also cleaned the house!***

So instead of looking at this upcoming system as a burden & dreading it, look at it through the eyes of your child & take advantage of the time it has created for you! God does try to help us slow down sometimes!

 

Goodbye 2014 & Praying for 2015

With the new year upon us, I like to look back on all that transpired during 2014. I can say, with all honesty that we faced things we have never faced before. We experienced new joys, higher highs, & lower lows. Through it all, we are still BLESSED!

2014 brought with it a brand new business, Freedom Fire & Safety, that we are slowly building to its great potential. It brought the best year yet for Blessed Boutique. It brought a new car (finally), parenting struggles, the death of my grandfather, the resignation of a church, a FULLY self employed year (which scares the daylights out of me as tax time gets closer). It brought, not once or twice, but three occasions that brought my mom to church. It brought not one, but two, Super Bowl championships to my children. It brought the opportunity to hear, meet, & shake the hand of one of my favorite singers. It brought new friendships, while others ended. And hopefully, it brought my family closer to each other & to God than ever before.

One of the (many) things that I regret about this past year is the fact that I didn't write nearly as much as I have in the past (only 41 posts in 2014 compared to over 150 in 2013). I just had so many tangled emotions that I felt were best left unsaid at the time. But hopefully 2015 will bring clarity & freedom with it.

We did see 2014 out with a bang & a prayer. We started revival last night at Maple Springs (which will continue through Friday! Come join us!!) then prayed in the New Year at a friend's house. And what New Year's celebration is complete (at least around here) without fireworks & gun shots!

Now a few of my favorite posts from this past year. These have nothing to do with number of views, comments, etc. These are the ones I enjoyed the most, the ones I learned the most from, the ones that moved me to tears.

The one that surprised me the most this year was Weary Mom, I feel You It honestly started out as a venting session. I was so aggravated the day I wrote it, but I had no idea just how many people would need to hear they are not alone!

Another special one was Leaps & Bounds. She's still growing & I'm so thankful for that!

100 Happy Days wasn't one of my favorite "blog posts" but the result of it was. That simple post, that simple decision, brought with it an entire summer of purposefully looking for something EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to make me smile. Some days, I had several things to share, some days, I struggled to find just one. But I faithfully posted a picture to my Instagram about being happy for 100 days!

I Wonder What He's Thinking reminded me just how similar parenting must be to God trying to direct our paths.

Country Must be Country Wide was special just because it had so many fun memories with it! And I have never been featured on someone's website before!!

And of course, no year would be complete without all the fun adventures of Twinkle the elf. So check out all the insanity that the Elf on the Shelf brings with it.

Finally So I Write tells the dark side of me.

I hope that you enjoyed sharing 2014 with us. My goal is that something I said made you laugh, cry, grow, shake your head, or empathize with not just me, but those around you as well. I pray that 2015 will be your (and my) best year ever!

Love you all!!

I Wonder What He's Thinking

Its been far too long. I've had several things on my mind & on my heart, but not the words or the desire to express them.

But tonight, its like a flood gate has been opened up. Its funny. That's how it always comes, when I know that God is using me to tell a story.

I learned something tonight. Well, its not the first time that I've been "taught" this lesson, but it was a gentle reminder that stopped me in my tracks.

While having a discussion with Austin tonight, I was forced to stand my ground. We have always taught our children that when they start something, they will finish it. If, after its over, they never want to do that thing again, then its fine. But we are not quitters. When we make a commitment, we stick to it. Other people are counting on us. We need to be dependable.

Tears were cried, voices were raised, words that weren't meant were said, but when it was all over & done, we were able to hug, apologize, & say I love you.

It was in those moments as I was calling out to God for direction, guidance, & strength that Austin came back to me. I cried even harder as my baby, who is no longer a baby, my baby, who is taller than me now, laid his head on my chest & cried as he hugged me & apologized.

My heart is breaking because he is unhappy, but there's a lesson here for both of us.We both need to learn to stand by what we say. We also need to stop before we act.

I wonder if I break God's heart as often as my children break mine?

I wonder if He cries as many tears over me as I do over them?

I wonder if He questions my love for Him just as I question theirs for me?

I wonder if He wonders if I will ever change/learn/grow up? If He's done the right thing by allowing me to make the choices I do?

I KNOW that God doesn't make mistakes, but a mother's love is the closest thing that compares to God's love so you can't help but think about how His heart aches for us.

So I Write...

One of the things that I have always loved most about blogging was the ability to encourage someone else. That's always been a really big deal to me...to be able to make a difference in someone else's life. But its hard to encourage others when you can't find the strength to encourage yourself.

If you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then consider yourself fortunate.

That place where you ask why far more than you should. That place where you have more questions than answers. That place where you feel useless & invisible to everyone around you. That place where sleeping brings peace. That place where the darkness finally overtakes the light.

That's not a fun place to be. Many people struggle with depression the majority of their lives & have a hard time admitting it, let alone overcoming it.

For some time now, I have struggled with my role as a wife, a mother, a Christian, & a friend. I have struggled with trust, obedience, joy, & love. I have wondered why we were spinning our wheels in a church that was dead set on standing still. I have wondered if my "wondering" was hindering it even more. We have struggled more financially than we ever have before. I have repeatedly asked the question of going back to work for a few extra dollars, knowing that the majority of it would only cover day care expenses. I have questioned what more could I have done to help my struggling reader. I have found people that I thought I could open up to, only to have them turn their backs on me & my family. I have dealt with enough teen attitude to last me my entire life & that road has only just begun. I have nursed a sick child over & over & over again with the same problems.

And through it all, I have felt utterly A L O N E.

I know that Jesus was carrying me, but I couldn't feel Him. I know that my husband was there beside me, but he was dealing with the same burdens. He didn't need my worries & fears compounding his. I know that I have a few friends I can talk to, but its so hard for me to trust after I have been repeatedly stabbed in the back.

Oh, I talk to people, but 99% of them have only scratched the surface with me. I CAN'T let them in.

So I write. I can spill my heart out here because I'm not confiding in one single person who might lift me up today & tear me down tomorrow. I write, not knowing who exactly reads this & not worrying about what they may think. I write, in the hopes that someone somewhere can identify, can grow from my mistakes, my pain. I write, because its so much easier than talking.

I Tell My Story

I was talking to someone the other day about all kinds of things, new things, old things, God things. I looked at this person & said, you don't know my story, do you?

As I told my story, I felt sympathy, understanding, anger, confusion, & finally love from this person. I didn't tell my story for attention but because I felt this person needed a deeper look into me.

It dawned on me this morning why. I have no clue why this morning, because I certainly hadn't  been thinking about that time or that conversation.

I know that, yes, on the surface, I tell my story so you can get a better understanding of who I am. I have become very closed off in the past few years. It's hard for me to open up. It's hard for me to trust.

But then I understood that I tell my story because it's MY story. It tells who I was, where I have been, what God delivered me from, where I am now, & what I hope to be in the future.

I tell my story not to highlight my mistakes, but to show God's mercy & grace.

I tell my story in the hopes that others will realize there is MORE than the situation they are in right now.

I tell my story to give God the glory for picking me up when I didn't think I would ever see the light again.

I tell my story so that others can know it's not the end.

Even though I am ashamed of many things in my past, I am not ashamed of my story. My story isn't over yet. But I already know how it will end, it's just the chapters in between now & the end I'm not sure about.

So I tell my story......

I wrote this post early this morning, but then went to a youth rally tonight and the Trinity Baptist Church youth choir sang this song.

So I will continue to tell my story...

White As Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool"

We experienced the most snow here in eastern NC that we have seen in many years. As more and more and still more snow fell, everything else seemed to vanish. The grass, the bushes, trees, walkways, toys, & even some cars were hidden beneath the blanket of white. 

It gave the world a brighter, cleaner, purer appearance. You no longer saw the trash littering the sides of the road. You no longer saw the brown dying grass. You no longer saw mud puddles that you knew had been there just the other day.

It was truly beautiful to witness.

Now, just a few days later, that snow has started to melt. The roads are encased in grey slush. The walkways are more mud that dirt. The footsteps are growing bigger & bigger.

It's not quite so pretty anymore.

But, we know that the sloppy mess will dry out & give way to lush green grass, bright fragrant flowers, & warm sunny days. Then before long, the snows will come again, cleanse everything, & then we will have to dry out & start over yet again.

It made me realize that perhaps this is how Jesus sees us. He KNOWS there is a path underneath somewhere. He KNOWS that all of our dirt & trash is still there just right under the surface. He KNOWS that eventually our sins will become apparent once again.  BUT when He looks upon us, He doesn't see our past faults & failures. He doesn't see our sin. 

When Jesus looks at us, He sees a blanket of pure white. He sees us justified, purified, & clean.

He knows that we will sin again. But He also knows that the snow (His blood) is needed to cleanse us before we can start to grow & bloom into something beautiful again!

Who is Your Hero

I had the sad honor of attending a home going service yesterday. A friend of mine's father finally fought his last battle here on earth & crossed over into glory.

During the service, the preacher talked about being a hero.

The definition of a Hero:

a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

a person who is greatly admired

the chief character in a story


We all have heroes in our lives. When we are little, we probably look up to actual cartoon super heroes, firemen, & policemen; maybe even mom & dad too. As teenagers, our heroes often change with whatever movie or band is popular, probably our friends or a few teachers. As young adults, our heroes might include the movers & shakers of the world, those that are wealthy, famous, & successful.

As we continue to grow, our heroes change. More than likely, we no longer idolize cartoon superheroes, actors, singers, or the Bill Gates of the world. We might still look up to a few teachers, friends, & family members. Many of us certainly see fireman, policemen, & servicemen as modern day heroes.

But who else?

My daddy has always been one of my heroes. He is such a loving, easy going man, that its easy to forget that he has burdens of his own. I don't think the man had ever met a stranger. You can't go anywhere with him without running in to several people that he knows.

My maternal grandmother was also one of my heroes while she was alive. She always looked beautiful & took hours to make sure every hair was in place, but wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty or work up a sweat. She slaved away day in & day out at a job that few people wanted to do. And she never hesitated to tell you just what she thought, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

My husband is one of my heroes. He provides for our family. He loves us unconditionally. He stands strong in his faith. He spends countless hours continuing his education in firefighting & medical responding. He sacrifices sleep, food, family time, & previous commitments just to save a home or rescue a life.

My children are my heroes. They love first & ask questions later. They forgive & forgive & forgive. They look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. They see me for who I try to be, not who I fail to be.

I also have several Christian heroes that I have grown up watching. They are unwavering in their faith. Even when life throws them more than they can possibly stand, still they stand. They are the ones that make this life look effortless. The ones who make God & everyone else smile. The ones who you want to model your Christian walk after.

When you start to think about it, you have more heroes that you realized, all of them for many different reasons.

I hope as I continue through this life, that a few people can look at me as one of their heroes.

Be someone's hero - make a difference!

One Last Christmas

I heard the most amazing song this morning. It spokes volumes to me and broke my heart at the same time. 

We need to remember what Christmas is truly about. It's not about the lights, the gifts, the food, or the engagements. It's not about a fat man in a red suit, or flying reindeer, or even elves that create fun & mischief throughout your house. There is nothing wrong with any of those things & for many (my family included), they add fun & memories for years to come.

We get caught up in the hustle & bustle. We fall victim to looking for the "perfect" present. Some even actively try to "out do" others.

Christmas is about the birth of a tiny baby who changed the world more than ANYONE ever could have imagined! Christmas is about love & kindness. Christmas is about being with family & friends even when its not convenient.

Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time, but so many people struggle through depression, anger, & grief every year when the holidays roll around.

While this story is heart wrenching, unfortunately, it's not the only one like it. Whether its a child, a sibling, a parent, or a friend, far too many people will experience Christmas for the last time this year. 

What if this was your last Christmas? Take the time to let others know you LOVE them! Don't just say it! SHOW IT!

Most importantly, make sure that you KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW where you will spend eternity! Make sure that your family knows as well! 

I can't think of a better CHRISTmas present than to receive CHRIST & share HIM with those around you!

The Master Makes All The Difference

Unfortunately I stayed home from church this morning with a killer headache. I had one all day yesterday & no matter what I took, nothing phased it. So I curled up on the bed & went back to sleep.

As I was starting to wake up, I could vaguely hear someone talking on TV. They were talking about a commercial that was aired several years ago. I forgot all about it, but it was one that I remember vividly & loved.

The little boy wonders backstage and before his parents realize where he went, they hear a simple song on the piano. As his parents try to figure out what to do, the concert pianist steps onto stage. Instead of fussing at the boy or shooing him away, the master sits down with him and encourages him to continue playing as he performs a beautiful complex number in perfect tune & harmony.

This commercial is simply saying that we all need encouragement. But this person on TV took it a step further. He talked about how we could all go about our day, doing the best we could & it might turn out ok. BUT when the Master stepped in, everything changed! The Master can take whatever we do, no matter how simple, & transform it into something incredible.

Now I don't put much faith into TV evangelism & I will NOT mention names, but this small piece of the message really struck a cord with me.

My life is simple, many times strange, & all too often a blundering mess. But when the Master steps in, He changes it into something beautiful, into something He can use!

It's amazing what a difference the Master can make!

Watch how the Master can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary!

But I'm a Preacher's Wive

I recently had a run in with someone who had some pretty nasty things to say about me. It's not the first time someone has talked about me & I'm sure it won't be the last time.

I normally don't pay much attention to what people say or think about me. Most of the time, there isn't a whole lot of truth to their ramblings anyway.

But this girl really bothered me. Sad part is, I don't really know her & she sure doesn't know me, so why should it even matter.

This person attacked my faith, that's why. She told me I was a poor excuse for a preacher's wife. She told me that my husband was leading people to Hell if he was anything like me. She had plenty of negative things to say about my life.

I know that she was just lashing out. And I am certainly not the first to be the recipient of her anger. I'm not sure if it was jealousy or just pure meanness. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I know the truth, God knows the truth, & my loved ones know the truth.

In light of that recent confrontation, I would like to help you understand a preacher's family a little bit more.

My husband has been called of God to preach the holy word. He has been called to lead a congregation of followers. 

That doesn't make him perfect. That doesn't mean he never makes mistakes. That doesn't give him permission to whip anyone while he stands holier than thou.

That does mean he deserves respect. It does mean that he has to examine his own life before he preaches a message to help clean up someone else's. It does mean that his life isn't nearly as private as yours might be.

It also means that sometimes he has to tell you things he doesn't feel comfortable saying when he finds out your private sins. It also means that sometimes he spends more time away from his family than with it. It means that his heart is always burdened down over your needs even when he has his own problems to worry about. 

Being a preacher's wife doesn't mean that I wear dresses all the time. It doesn't mean that my life is always sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't mean that my house is spotless.

It doesn't mean that I am perfect. It doesn't mean I believe I am better than you. 

It does mean that I reverence my husband & God's house. It does mean that I try to teach my kids about God. It does mean that you are welcome at our house even with all of its clutter & sticky floors.

It does mean that I mess up daily. It does mean that I still sin. It means I lose my temper just like you do, but most of the time, nobody sees when you get aggravated.

It also means that if I act a little stand offish, it's not because I don't like you. It's because I'm scared of getting close to someone who could turn on me & my family in a heartbeat. It means that even though I am praying for you, I need you to pray for me as well.

Being a preacher's kid isn't the easiest job either. Again, it doesn't mean they are perfect. It doesn't mean they love going to church all the time. It doesn't mean they always choose God.

Being a preacher's kid means they are still a kid. It means they WILL mess up because we are all still human. We are all still growing & learning.

Being a preacher's kid also means that more likely than not, they will rebel from what they have been taught all of their lives. It means they have to learn on their own the lessons we are trying to teach them. It also means that people are much quicker to point out their faults & failures even though their children are doing the very same thing.

So you see, being a part of a preacher's family doesn't make us any better than you, but being a Christian does make us forgiven. Being in a preacher's family doesn't mean that we mess up more or less than your family does. It means that more people are watching our lives and looking for those mistakes.

Being part of a preacher's family really doesn't make us any more or less special, any more or less different, any more or less dysfunctional, any more or less stressed than your family. Being a part of a preacher's family just means we are who God designed us to be.

Now that you know we aren't that different, take a few minutes to pray for our family & for your own preacher's family the next time you feel we don't meet your expectations. Remember God isn't done with us yet!