Seeing is Believing or Is It

Today's society has become so jaded that many refuse to believe something unless they see it for themselves. Others are so naive that they believe everything they see & hear. Then there are those that are a mixture of the two. Not taking everything at face value, but still having hope there is good in the world.

We certainly aren't the first generation to corner the market on trust issues.

All down through history, people have spread rumors before they knew the truth, people have jumped because King so & so told them to, people have lied, cheated, & stole to get what they want.

"People" have always been fickle.

John 20: 24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

As I read this verse this morning, tears flooded my eyes. I am so thankful that I didn't have to see Jesus crucified to KNOW how much He loved me. I didn't have to see His death to KNOW He suffered for me. I didn't have to see His resurrection to KNOW He defeated death, Hell, & the grave.

I don't have to wait to see Heaven to KNOW that it's real! And most importantly, I don't have to wait to see Jesus stepping out on a cloud to KNOW that He is coming back for His children!

I may have many doubts throughout my life, but I'm thankful that I didn't have to SEE to KNOW that my father is the KING OF KINGS!!!

How Ready are You

We all lose focus from time to time. We all get caught up in the hustle & bustle of our lives that we forget to worry about anything else around us.

In just the past few weeks, lives have been changed forever.....

Several people that I went to school with have passed away. These are people MY AGE. And folks, at 37, I'm no where near old enough to be concerned about dying yet.

A few different families have been irrevocably altered with tragedy, death, and bad news while on vacation.

A whole community has been turned upside down due to a years old grudge.

A family sits around waiting for a saint to breath his last.

And these are all people I know! We won't even talk about all the death, destruction, & what not going on in the world.

Again, I have been reminded of just how precious and fragile life is.

Death is inevitable.

No matter what your name is, how much money you have, who you know, where you live, or what your beliefs are, there is no escaping it. At some point everyone...EVERYONE must face death. And unlike life, where we often share experiences with others, we must face death all by ourselves. Sure you may be surrounded by those you love, but when it comes time, we all must cross over alone.

When we finally see our Lord face to face, we are the only ones accountable for our decisions. It won't matter who our friends were, where we worked, or why we made the choices we did. The most important thing once we die is if we were saved, if we accepted Jesus.

Knowing this & knowing just how short & uncertain life is, why not get this settled NOW before its too late!

Once you take that last breath, once you see His face, once you stand before the gates, its too late!

I Didn't Know

We were on vacation last week. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This vacation was planned and paid for back in February. We spent a week in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia.

I didn't have any real "ideas" to how this vacation would go, I just knew I wanted to go somewhere we've never been before. I also didn't know that we would be staying in an almost dead zone as far as internet signals were concerned.

I didn't know that the fire call that my husband ignored Monday morning because we were trying to get on the road would change a community. Who knows, if he would have responded, he could have been one of those fighting for their life.

I didn't know the family whose life was changed forever while they were simply on vacation. That could have easily been us.

I didn't know that America as we know it would be turned upside down in a matter of minutes.

I didn't know any of this was going to happen while we were on vacation. I didn't know that I would have to struggle to get bits & pieces of information because I couldn't just look it up any time I wanted to.

I didn't know, but GOD did.

He knew where I would be when all of this happened. He knew ages ago where we would all be. He directed us to where we needed to be & where He wanted us to be.

The struggles that went on, not just last week, but last month, last year, every single twist & turn in the road He already knew about it. He's been carving out the road in this life from the very beginning.

Why do we worry so about things we have no control over?

Take Another Little Piece of my Heart

A child can bring you more joy than you could ever imagine, but they can also break your heart into so many pieces you don't believe there's enough glue in the world to fix it. I'm not just talking about your own child either. If you've ever gotten close to a child that wasn't yours, you already know this.

I've always had a heavy burden for our young people, for my kids, my kids' friends, my friends' kids, my niece & nephew, my church kids....all of them. But here lately, it seems heavier.

I've taken some time to step back and watch our young people. Some things that I am seeing upsets me.

Now, I'm not too old that I don't remember being a teenager & falling madly in love with someone. But our kids fall a lot faster these days. They also recover a lot faster too.

A broken heart, a true broken heart takes time to heal. It wants the opportunity to slowly knit itself back together before it even considers feeling anything again. If that's the case, then how do you fall in love over & over & over & over again, only to break up, have a broken heart, then miraculously fall in love again, all within the span of a few days, sometimes even hours.

There's nothing wrong with switching boyfriends/girlfriends almost as often as you change your underoos, at least at this age. (Personal opinion here, if your's is different, please be respectful of mine. Afterall, this is MY blog.) There's plenty of time to be serious when you have to grow up.

My concern here is how freely people "fall in love".

I recently asked the question "what's his/her last name?" When the answer is "I don't know", please tell me then how in the world you LOVE them?! My son responded with the best answer I've heard to this question in a long time .... "it's a lie".

Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner!

He's right. It is a lie!

It's a lie we tell ourselves. It's a lie we tell the other person.

Did you know that if you tell a lie long enough, you will start to believe it?

Social Media has really changed our society. For the better or for the worse, I'm not 100% sure yet.

It certainly has its advantages, this blog for one ;)

But technology has irrevocably changed us. It has made us braver, bolder, judgmental, more callous, & more cold hearted than any other single thing EVER. We think we can comment whatever we want on anything we want without having to deal with the consequences. Somethings we say or do through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat (DO NOT get me started on that one!), text, or whatever other media outlet you prefer, we would NEVER EVER even consider saying or doing if we had to in person, or even over the phone (you know, actually talking to someone - that is what phones were invented for many moons ago).

If I'm not careful, I'll get started on how jaded the next generation (& even my generation) is becoming, so back to my point...

Young people, pay attention!

Your prince is out there young ladies & you shouldn't have to kiss all of those slimy frogs to find him. Those frogs don't love you, but one day your prince will. Your prince will be tender & kind. He will respect you & those you hold dear. He will try to impress you without being conceited.

Fellows, your lady is patiently waiting for you. Be a gentleman and wait on her too. Don't push yourself on anyone. Don't fall for those singing Sirens, who might look enticing, but they only want to destroy you. Your lady will be beautiful, both inside and out.

You don't have to tell everyone coming & going that you love them. And if someone tells you that they love you, but you don't feel the same way, don't feel pressured to repeat it. Just smile and say thank you! Every time you tell someone you love them without really meaning it, you are giving away a piece of your heart.

Believe me, when you find the right one, YOU WILL KNOW! And then "I love you" will have a whole new meaning!

I'm Tired

I don't know about you, but I'm tired!

Yes I run wide open more often than I don't. I tend to carry more plates than I can hold. And somehow I'm usually supposed to be in several different places at the same time.

I'm tired!

Before you go comparing our schedules & start laughing at who puts on a more entertaining juggling show, let me explain.

My physical state is NOT what I'm writing about today. Even though it applies, that can easily be fixed with a little shut eye.

I'm tired on a spiritual level.

I'm not even talking about my incompetence as a Christian.

BUT I'M TIRED!

I am tired of Satan getting the upper hand on me. I'm tired of him using my loved ones to get the best of me. I'm tired of him using my insecurities, my pain, and my fears to make me question the right decision. I'm tired of him thinking that my past will trip me up the way it used to.

My husband loves me unconditionally. He's not perfect, but he does the best he can. My children bring me more joy and more heartache than I ever knew was possible. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom is even harder. I don't always react the way I should. I don't always have all the answers. I don't always show the love I have in my heart. But I hope, at the end of the day, they know how hard I try!

I have a hard time opening up. I have a hard time trusting. I allow people to get to me more than I let on. I worry about things I have no control over.

I'm NOT the person I used to be. I'm not perfect. I fall every single day. I'm no where near where I need to be, but I'm a lot farther down the road from where I once was.

Satan isn't happy with who I aspire to be. He isn't happy with who God wants be to be. He knows he no longer has me, but he wants me so beaten down that I'm no good to anyone.

I have no clue what God has in store for my life. I'm not sure why He entrusted me with all these blessings that love me. But I do know that His word says in Jerimiah 29:11

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil".

So yes, I'm tired!! And I intend to rely on God to help me fix it!

A Beautiful White Change of Pace

Yet again, here in NC we are experiencing snow. Not the Snow-Mageddon or the Snowpocalypse that we experienced last year, but just enough to sled on.

The first flakes of the season hit last week just as the kids were coming off of a long weekend and the frigid temps allowed it to hang around for a few days. Then after one day back to school with a 2 hour delay, we awoke to an unexpected "dusting" that produced several inches and 2 more days out of school. Now we are staring at the possibility of another storm that will shut down the world the rest of the week.

I read Facebook & can't help but laugh. Some are excited, some are disgusted, some are angry, & some are begging for a change. We sure are a fickle lot! NO ONE is ever happy!

I get it, I really do. The snow is fun for a little while, but it does tend to throw things helter skelter. And we sure do like things to go according to plan.

Now don't get me wrong, my kids have gotten on my nerves more than once, I have washed & dried & dried & dried about 3 times as much laundry, my floors are a mess, I have towels lining the entryways, & we are out of snacks...again. But for the most part I have thoroughly enjoyed this beautiful mess.

You see since this summer we have been none stop! Between Justin, Austin, & Makenize, we literally had football 6 days a week for months! Then we went right into wrestling season with Justin as the high school trainer there too. So again, many weeks, we had wrestling 6 days out of 7. Add to that tutoring & a few clubs for Makenzie, plus church activities and several other things going on, WE HAVE BEEN BUSY!

So last week was very much welcomed at our house. We ate supper at the table more times than we didn't. We cuddled on the couch watching movies. We sledded under the moonlight. We played Monopoly for hours on end. We baked brownies & muffins. ***We also cleaned the house!***

So instead of looking at this upcoming system as a burden & dreading it, look at it through the eyes of your child & take advantage of the time it has created for you! God does try to help us slow down sometimes!

 

Hello Juvenile Delinquent

I have wrestled with whether or not to post this one. Usually I'm an open book, no holds barred type of person. But this subject, while it could easily happen to any one of you, will probably cause lots of talk. So welcome to another edition of my less than perfect life...

As some of you know, there was an "incident" with Austin earlier this month. Now, my oldest isn't a fighter by nature, but he isn't one to back down either...ever. As we are learning, he can certainly hold his own. Long story short: a friend of Austin's started it, Austin finished it, resulting with the friend needing medical attention & glue.

Its never a good day when the school shows up on my caller id. But what started out as dread, turned into full fledged panic with more questions than answers.

Since there was "serious injury", the county, NOT the school or the other family, HAD to press charges. Because of a situation that started out as nothing more than boys being boys, now both of these 12 year old BOYS were being charged with misdemeanor assault!

Great...now I have a juvenile delinquent. At 16, sure maybe, but 12!!!

After the shock wore off, talking to the other family (who we are also friends with), and getting a few more answers, we were able to try to laugh about the whole incredible ordeal.

Even through the jokes, worry still remained. What would the juvenile protection services say, would there be long term repercussions, counseling, community service, worse?

After 10 L O N G days, we finally had our meeting. Since this was his first offense, all went well & the case was dismissed.

I think part of her job is to scare the pants off of kids.

While talking with this woman, we learned so many shocking things.

Did you know that the school refers every case involving fights, weapons, & drugs? EVERY ONE OF THEM! Including 6 year olds who through something across the room!!!

At any given time, there are 250 children (under 16 - because 16 is legally an adult here in NC) in this county on probation! REALLY??!!??!! Is that necessary?!

It shocks me to think that the school no longer wants any part of trying to help children that truly need help. While our case was nothing in the grand scheme of it all, I just can't imagine what some of these families go through just because the powers that be don't want to deal with it.

If my oldest child, who is not, nor ever has been, a saint, gets into another fight, whether he starts it or just defends himself, (which let's face facts, most boys do fight) he will be right back in that office facing stricter consequences.

Its a sad time we live in folks. Children can no longer be children, they can't try to settle things between themselves, they can no longer take up for themselves, without threats of legal action looming over their heads.

Of yeah, and my juvenile delinquent goes to church, plays football, wrestles, makes good grades, plays guitar, rides dirt bikes, & ties bow-ties just for fun!

Goodbye 2014 & Praying for 2015

With the new year upon us, I like to look back on all that transpired during 2014. I can say, with all honesty that we faced things we have never faced before. We experienced new joys, higher highs, & lower lows. Through it all, we are still BLESSED!

2014 brought with it a brand new business, Freedom Fire & Safety, that we are slowly building to its great potential. It brought the best year yet for Blessed Boutique. It brought a new car (finally), parenting struggles, the death of my grandfather, the resignation of a church, a FULLY self employed year (which scares the daylights out of me as tax time gets closer). It brought, not once or twice, but three occasions that brought my mom to church. It brought not one, but two, Super Bowl championships to my children. It brought the opportunity to hear, meet, & shake the hand of one of my favorite singers. It brought new friendships, while others ended. And hopefully, it brought my family closer to each other & to God than ever before.

One of the (many) things that I regret about this past year is the fact that I didn't write nearly as much as I have in the past (only 41 posts in 2014 compared to over 150 in 2013). I just had so many tangled emotions that I felt were best left unsaid at the time. But hopefully 2015 will bring clarity & freedom with it.

We did see 2014 out with a bang & a prayer. We started revival last night at Maple Springs (which will continue through Friday! Come join us!!) then prayed in the New Year at a friend's house. And what New Year's celebration is complete (at least around here) without fireworks & gun shots!

Now a few of my favorite posts from this past year. These have nothing to do with number of views, comments, etc. These are the ones I enjoyed the most, the ones I learned the most from, the ones that moved me to tears.

The one that surprised me the most this year was Weary Mom, I feel You It honestly started out as a venting session. I was so aggravated the day I wrote it, but I had no idea just how many people would need to hear they are not alone!

Another special one was Leaps & Bounds. She's still growing & I'm so thankful for that!

100 Happy Days wasn't one of my favorite "blog posts" but the result of it was. That simple post, that simple decision, brought with it an entire summer of purposefully looking for something EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to make me smile. Some days, I had several things to share, some days, I struggled to find just one. But I faithfully posted a picture to my Instagram about being happy for 100 days!

I Wonder What He's Thinking reminded me just how similar parenting must be to God trying to direct our paths.

Country Must be Country Wide was special just because it had so many fun memories with it! And I have never been featured on someone's website before!!

And of course, no year would be complete without all the fun adventures of Twinkle the elf. So check out all the insanity that the Elf on the Shelf brings with it.

Finally So I Write tells the dark side of me.

I hope that you enjoyed sharing 2014 with us. My goal is that something I said made you laugh, cry, grow, shake your head, or empathize with not just me, but those around you as well. I pray that 2015 will be your (and my) best year ever!

Love you all!!

I Wonder What He's Thinking

Its been far too long. I've had several things on my mind & on my heart, but not the words or the desire to express them.

But tonight, its like a flood gate has been opened up. Its funny. That's how it always comes, when I know that God is using me to tell a story.

I learned something tonight. Well, its not the first time that I've been "taught" this lesson, but it was a gentle reminder that stopped me in my tracks.

While having a discussion with Austin tonight, I was forced to stand my ground. We have always taught our children that when they start something, they will finish it. If, after its over, they never want to do that thing again, then its fine. But we are not quitters. When we make a commitment, we stick to it. Other people are counting on us. We need to be dependable.

Tears were cried, voices were raised, words that weren't meant were said, but when it was all over & done, we were able to hug, apologize, & say I love you.

It was in those moments as I was calling out to God for direction, guidance, & strength that Austin came back to me. I cried even harder as my baby, who is no longer a baby, my baby, who is taller than me now, laid his head on my chest & cried as he hugged me & apologized.

My heart is breaking because he is unhappy, but there's a lesson here for both of us.We both need to learn to stand by what we say. We also need to stop before we act.

I wonder if I break God's heart as often as my children break mine?

I wonder if He cries as many tears over me as I do over them?

I wonder if He questions my love for Him just as I question theirs for me?

I wonder if He wonders if I will ever change/learn/grow up? If He's done the right thing by allowing me to make the choices I do?

I KNOW that God doesn't make mistakes, but a mother's love is the closest thing that compares to God's love so you can't help but think about how His heart aches for us.

So I Write...

One of the things that I have always loved most about blogging was the ability to encourage someone else. That's always been a really big deal to me...to be able to make a difference in someone else's life. But its hard to encourage others when you can't find the strength to encourage yourself.

If you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then consider yourself fortunate.

That place where you ask why far more than you should. That place where you have more questions than answers. That place where you feel useless & invisible to everyone around you. That place where sleeping brings peace. That place where the darkness finally overtakes the light.

That's not a fun place to be. Many people struggle with depression the majority of their lives & have a hard time admitting it, let alone overcoming it.

For some time now, I have struggled with my role as a wife, a mother, a Christian, & a friend. I have struggled with trust, obedience, joy, & love. I have wondered why we were spinning our wheels in a church that was dead set on standing still. I have wondered if my "wondering" was hindering it even more. We have struggled more financially than we ever have before. I have repeatedly asked the question of going back to work for a few extra dollars, knowing that the majority of it would only cover day care expenses. I have questioned what more could I have done to help my struggling reader. I have found people that I thought I could open up to, only to have them turn their backs on me & my family. I have dealt with enough teen attitude to last me my entire life & that road has only just begun. I have nursed a sick child over & over & over again with the same problems.

And through it all, I have felt utterly A L O N E.

I know that Jesus was carrying me, but I couldn't feel Him. I know that my husband was there beside me, but he was dealing with the same burdens. He didn't need my worries & fears compounding his. I know that I have a few friends I can talk to, but its so hard for me to trust after I have been repeatedly stabbed in the back.

Oh, I talk to people, but 99% of them have only scratched the surface with me. I CAN'T let them in.

So I write. I can spill my heart out here because I'm not confiding in one single person who might lift me up today & tear me down tomorrow. I write, not knowing who exactly reads this & not worrying about what they may think. I write, in the hopes that someone somewhere can identify, can grow from my mistakes, my pain. I write, because its so much easier than talking.

100 Happy Days

Have you seen all of the pictures lately with #100happydays attached to them? 

Yeah, me too. I have been looking at this website for a few days now, thinking about it. 

71% of people that start this challenge do not complete it. Really? 71%? That seems like a lot. 

The main reason stated for giving up on something so simple... Not enough time.

Not enough time?

Have we become so busy that we forget to take the time to be happy? Or are we just too busy to tell people about it?

Wow! 

I know that many times I get so caught up in life that I forget to live! I focus on the  unimportant stuff & I let the junk weigh me down. 

Sometimes the "stuff" is all I can remember. Sometimes the fighting is all I can focus on. Sometimes the bad drowns out the good. Sometimes I forget WHY I'm living this life. 

So, here goes. I am going to make a conscious effort to capture not just one thing each day that makes me happy, but I'm going to try to point out lots of simple things that make me happy. I'm sure that some days I will flood your news feed, while others may not have nearly as many. 

Bare with me! I hope this will be an eye opener for me. I need to be reminded that at one point in time, I was a happier person. Somewhere in time, that person became far too serious. She needs to learn to laugh again.

Why don't you join me?! We all need to remember why this life really is worth living! 

Happy Mother's Day

If you know me, or if you follow my blog, you know that I try to keep it real. My life is not always sunshine & roses. Its not always happy & easy. A lot of times it becomes more than I can bear. BUT, you know that I feel BLESSED beyond measure even in the storms.









I have been struggling with motherhood lately. Let's face it, its not a job for the faint at heart.

Funny thing though, everywhere I turn, I am being reminded that I CAN DO THIS! The women's conference that I attended last weekend refreshed me like nothing I can explain. The book I am reading right now, Rhinestone Jesus, is reminding me how easy it is to get caught up in the day to day without really living. You will see me saying #yesinmymess a lot right now! It also seems that the posts on Facebook are all designed to encourage women, mothers, Christians, people in general, to keep on keeping on.

Makenzie was so excited when she got home from school yesterday. She wanted to give me my Mother's Day present early. It took more than one try to read her sweet little card because I was crying so hard. On a flower she wrote my mom is: kind, loving, funny, happy, joyful, & hopeful. Joyful & hopeful??? Have I been joyful or hopeful lately? It sure doesn't feel like it! Then she said she wanted to be just like me. BAM You couldn't have punched me in the stomach & had any less force that that simple statement. That spunky, tender-hearted little girl who I get so easily frustrated with wants to be just like me. I need to start living like I want her to live! With more laughter, less angry words, more fun, & less demands. Easier said than done, I'm afraid.

Austin walked over to us to read the masterpieces. After he read them, he simply ducked his head & hugged me. He smiled that wicked mischievous grin that he's so famous for & said Happy Mother's Day mom. That may not sound like much, but that was huge coming from a hormonal preteen. So he really surprised me last night when he designed his own card telling me that I was the best momma he could ask for. He even put our pictures on it!


I don't need flowers, chocolate, jewelry, or fancy gifts. Those cards designed from the hearts of my children meant more to me than anything that money could buy. Once again, I am reminded just how blessed I am!

Weary Mom, I Feel You

I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words today. I just want to say that whatever you are going through weary mom, you are NOT alone. I feel your pain & struggle.

I know what its like to spend an hour sweeping & mopping the floor only to have someone track dirt all through the house.

I know what its like to open the dryer expecting to find clean laundry only to realize that someone left a whole pack of gum in their pockets...again.

I know what its like to try to go out to eat as a family, but spend the majority of your time fussing at your kids to act like they have some sense. After all, you know you have taught them better than that!

I know what its like to stand in front of a closet full of clothes & not have anything suitable to wear.

I know what its like to repeatedly take the toddler to the potty only to have him poop in his pants 5 minutes later.

I know what its like to have a preteen master the art of eye rolling.

I know what its like to feel like a failure.

I know what its like to feel all alone.

I know what its like to feel like no one is listening.

I know what its like to try on that outfit your had picked out for today, only to realize that its too tight, make a vow to lose 20 pounds, turn right around & eat a handful (or more) of chocolate, then hate yourself even more.

I know what its like to feel like you are in competition with electronic devices.

I know what its like to wake up before everyone else in the house, make a desperate effort to ensure everything goes smoothly, have your husband wake up 30 minutes before time to leave, & you STILL be the last one out the door.

I know what its like to cry for no apparent reason.

I know what its like to plan a family event, only to wish that you had went alone.

I know what its like to have a cabinet full of groceries & have no clue what to fix for supper.

I know what its like to go through your daughters clean clothes only to find just as many dirty clothes too.

I know what its like to want someone to talk to, to REALLY talk to, without the fear of judgement or wonder who else they are telling your secrets to.

I know what its like to forget to eat or to only have time to eat everyone's leftovers while standing at the sink.

I know what its like to balance the checkbook and have to decide which bill is more important to pay right now. I also know what its like to realize that a miracle will have to occur in order for you to make it to payday...again.

I know what its like to wonder "What if?"

I know what its like to need to be in half a dozen different places at once.

I know what its like to have the children aggravate the daylights out of each other just because they can.

I know what its like to be busy & hear "Mom. Mooom. Mom?? MOM!!!"

I know what its like to cook a delicious meal, then hear, "I'm not hungry." "I don't like that." "Do I have to eat it?" Then 30 minutes later hear "I'm starving!"

I know what its like to wake up time after time after time with a little one while everyone else in the house snores away.

I know what its like to dislike my body.

I know what its like to be late...again.

I know what its like to want nothing more than a good book, a bubble bath, & a LARGE milkshake & to be able to enjoy it in peace & quiet.

Someone once told me that the days are long, but the years are short. My days are still long, but I can already see how fast the years are going by. I don't yet know what its like for my life to be clean, quiet, & unhurried. But I do know what its like to realize that NO ONE can fix things quit like mom can. And I do know what its like to be rewarded with smiles that light up your world, rib crushing hugs, & wet sloppy kisses. And for those, I know what its like to keep on keeping on.

To Know That I Know That I Know

I just love those spirit filled services. You know, the ones with singing, crying, testifying, & the Holy Spirit moving. I love to hear how the Lord is working in other people's lives. I love to tell people how God is working in my life. But, I usually claim up when it comes to my personal testimony.

I know that most people love to tell how God changed their life, how Jesus saved them. I know that a lot of people can take you back to a day, a time, a place where their life changed forever.

I can't do that & it bothers me!

I have a date that I cling to. I know that I was on the altar March 29, 1992 (the day before I turned 14). It was one of "those services". Fellman Cheek was especially long winded & it was pushing on towards 1pm.

But I also know that I made professions both before & after this time. The first was at a Bailey Smith Crusade on a Tuesday night when I was about 8. I can even see the shirt I was wearing! My mom made her way to the make shift altar the very next night.

Another significant date that stands out was the night before Halloween 1998. Justin & I went with some friends to visit The House of Judgement in Elkin & I just didn't know anymore.

Most of my life, I have questioned my salvation. Not too long ago, I called my pastor in tears. After a heart wrenching conversation, he told me that deep down, no matter the doubts, I knew the answer.

I have times where I "feel" alone. I "feel" confused. I don't read my Bible like I should. I don't pray like I should. I don't witness like I should. I don't "feel" like a very good Christian.

Then I have times where I "feel" joy. I "feel" peace. I enjoy reading my Bible. I look forward to church. I stay in a state of prayer. I "feel" like God is pleased with me.

There are times that I "feel" sad when others talking about knowing exactly when they gave their lives to Jesus. But then I realized that its ok that I don't know when. The devil wants me to doubt. He knows that when I doubt, I'm not feeling confident in my Christian life. And when I am not confident, then I don't work nearly as hard. He has me right where he wants me.

I have prayed for assurance. I have prayed for God to reveal the exact date for me so I wouldn't doubt anymore. Then God brought a thought by me. Paul talked about a thorn in his flesh. He begged God to remove it from him.

2 Corinthians 12:5 Of such an one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.

6 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Maybe, just maybe, this is my thorn. Maybe, just maybe, THIS is my testimony for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else on their journey through their doubts & mine.

I'm thankful that we aren't saved on "feelings". We are saved by faith through grace!

Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

Psalm 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

Stand strong weary Christian. Don't give the devil this victory. Take comfort in KNOWING that God's promises are true! If He promised to save us, He will! 

Leaps & Bounds

I had a parent teacher conference with Makenzie's teacher the other day. I always go into those feeling both worry & relief. I want to know how she is doing, I NEED to know how she is doing, but at the same time, I'm usually scared to find out.

I have seen such an improvement in her lately. She has went from someone who would do almost anything to get out of reading to someone who reads every sign, box, & piece of information that she can. She is the one to remind me that she has homework if I forget. You can look at her & see the pieces starting to fit together!

She is finally getting it!

Realizing that I couldn't teach her to read was so hard for me to accept & admit. We tried. We really tried!

I understand now why some parents make different choices for their children. While homeschooling worked fine for Austin, & me for that matter. It wasn't what my daughter needed & it took me over 2 years to see that.

I believe now that homeschooling was more for me than for my children anyway. I learned to lean on God like I never had before. I learned that I don't always have all the answers. I learned that its ok for the budget not to work out on paper, because God doesn't budget like we do. I learned that some of the best lessons are lived, not taught.

And while some days, I miss my 2 oldest being home with me, I love seeing the excitement when they talk about their friends, when they tell me all about what happened during their day, & even when I have to wade through the drama that is middle school. I wouldn't change my how & why we came to the choices we made for anything. For without those exact choices at those exact times, things wouldn't be what they are now.

I'm thankful that God had another plan! And I'm thankful that I actually listened when I did.

Makenzie's teacher told me that I couldn't have put her back in at a more appropriate time. It seems that there are far more in the same boat as my daughter right now than not.

I want to share our GREAT NEWS - Makenzie has grown a WHOLE grade level in just 5 months!!!! I know we still have some ways to go, but I could n't be prouder of her success! She will get there!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your prayers!! PLEASE keep them coming!

I Tell My Story

I was talking to someone the other day about all kinds of things, new things, old things, God things. I looked at this person & said, you don't know my story, do you?

As I told my story, I felt sympathy, understanding, anger, confusion, & finally love from this person. I didn't tell my story for attention but because I felt this person needed a deeper look into me.

It dawned on me this morning why. I have no clue why this morning, because I certainly hadn't  been thinking about that time or that conversation.

I know that, yes, on the surface, I tell my story so you can get a better understanding of who I am. I have become very closed off in the past few years. It's hard for me to open up. It's hard for me to trust.

But then I understood that I tell my story because it's MY story. It tells who I was, where I have been, what God delivered me from, where I am now, & what I hope to be in the future.

I tell my story not to highlight my mistakes, but to show God's mercy & grace.

I tell my story in the hopes that others will realize there is MORE than the situation they are in right now.

I tell my story to give God the glory for picking me up when I didn't think I would ever see the light again.

I tell my story so that others can know it's not the end.

Even though I am ashamed of many things in my past, I am not ashamed of my story. My story isn't over yet. But I already know how it will end, it's just the chapters in between now & the end I'm not sure about.

So I tell my story......

I wrote this post early this morning, but then went to a youth rally tonight and the Trinity Baptist Church youth choir sang this song.

So I will continue to tell my story...

White As Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool"

We experienced the most snow here in eastern NC that we have seen in many years. As more and more and still more snow fell, everything else seemed to vanish. The grass, the bushes, trees, walkways, toys, & even some cars were hidden beneath the blanket of white. 

It gave the world a brighter, cleaner, purer appearance. You no longer saw the trash littering the sides of the road. You no longer saw the brown dying grass. You no longer saw mud puddles that you knew had been there just the other day.

It was truly beautiful to witness.

Now, just a few days later, that snow has started to melt. The roads are encased in grey slush. The walkways are more mud that dirt. The footsteps are growing bigger & bigger.

It's not quite so pretty anymore.

But, we know that the sloppy mess will dry out & give way to lush green grass, bright fragrant flowers, & warm sunny days. Then before long, the snows will come again, cleanse everything, & then we will have to dry out & start over yet again.

It made me realize that perhaps this is how Jesus sees us. He KNOWS there is a path underneath somewhere. He KNOWS that all of our dirt & trash is still there just right under the surface. He KNOWS that eventually our sins will become apparent once again.  BUT when He looks upon us, He doesn't see our past faults & failures. He doesn't see our sin. 

When Jesus looks at us, He sees a blanket of pure white. He sees us justified, purified, & clean.

He knows that we will sin again. But He also knows that the snow (His blood) is needed to cleanse us before we can start to grow & bloom into something beautiful again!

Who is Your Hero

I had the sad honor of attending a home going service yesterday. A friend of mine's father finally fought his last battle here on earth & crossed over into glory.

During the service, the preacher talked about being a hero.

The definition of a Hero:

a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

a person who is greatly admired

the chief character in a story


We all have heroes in our lives. When we are little, we probably look up to actual cartoon super heroes, firemen, & policemen; maybe even mom & dad too. As teenagers, our heroes often change with whatever movie or band is popular, probably our friends or a few teachers. As young adults, our heroes might include the movers & shakers of the world, those that are wealthy, famous, & successful.

As we continue to grow, our heroes change. More than likely, we no longer idolize cartoon superheroes, actors, singers, or the Bill Gates of the world. We might still look up to a few teachers, friends, & family members. Many of us certainly see fireman, policemen, & servicemen as modern day heroes.

But who else?

My daddy has always been one of my heroes. He is such a loving, easy going man, that its easy to forget that he has burdens of his own. I don't think the man had ever met a stranger. You can't go anywhere with him without running in to several people that he knows.

My maternal grandmother was also one of my heroes while she was alive. She always looked beautiful & took hours to make sure every hair was in place, but wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty or work up a sweat. She slaved away day in & day out at a job that few people wanted to do. And she never hesitated to tell you just what she thought, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

My husband is one of my heroes. He provides for our family. He loves us unconditionally. He stands strong in his faith. He spends countless hours continuing his education in firefighting & medical responding. He sacrifices sleep, food, family time, & previous commitments just to save a home or rescue a life.

My children are my heroes. They love first & ask questions later. They forgive & forgive & forgive. They look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. They see me for who I try to be, not who I fail to be.

I also have several Christian heroes that I have grown up watching. They are unwavering in their faith. Even when life throws them more than they can possibly stand, still they stand. They are the ones that make this life look effortless. The ones who make God & everyone else smile. The ones who you want to model your Christian walk after.

When you start to think about it, you have more heroes that you realized, all of them for many different reasons.

I hope as I continue through this life, that a few people can look at me as one of their heroes.

Be someone's hero - make a difference!

A New Focus

I've realized here lately that things just felt "off". You know the feeling. You can't pinpoint exactly what it is. You don't really know what is wrong. You're not really in a bad mood. But something, just doesn't feel right.

I have been there lately. There isn't a clear cut answer. At least, not on the surface. But once I started examining my life, I figured it out.

God has been convicting my heart lately. Somehow, somewhere, I have mixed up my priorities...again.

I have been concerning myself far too much with things that ultimately don't really matter in the long run. I have found myself mixed up with drama, strife, & worldly gain. I have neglected my spiritual growth, the desires of my heart, the encouraging of others, & the affections of those that mean the most to me.

Now, there wasn't anything wrong with the things I became focused on, but the problem lies in the fact that I was more focused on that instead of the things that I knew really mattered more.

As I find myself still evaluating the beginning of a brand new year, I realized that I want to pursue a journey towards a healthier me. Not just physically, but mentally, spiritually, & emotionally as well. I want to surround myself with uplifting words of encouragement. I want to pour motivation into me. I want to make better decisions for myself & my family. I want more moments where I let my hair down & laugh until I cry. I want to be "that girl" for my husband. I want to be the one my preteen son confides in, the one my daughter looks up to, & the one my toddler thinks hung the moon. I want to grow closer to God than I ever have before.

I also want to rid myself of excess drama. I don't want to associate with people who I have to struggle to remain positive around. I don't want to have to put on a show for anyone. I don't want to seek constant approval or fear repeated rejection. I don't want to go to bed at night thinking "What If" and I don't want to wake up in the morning thinking "Not Again".

But even more than that, I want to be that source of encouragement to someone who is down. I want to be the person that friend calls when they need advice. I want to be known for my faith, my loyalty, my honestly, & my love. I don't want to be the rain on someone's parade. I don't want to cause that awkward moment. I don't want to be the one making you doubt.

Now you may be reading over this list & only be ably to focus on the "I"s. But that's where I've messed up in the past. Everything has gotten out of focus. When I look back over the years, I do see a lot of "I"s, but as I gaze longingly into the future, the "I"s don't stand out nearly as much. Instead, the only way to accomplish any of this is to see a lot less me & a lot more God. He is the only one who can give me the desires of my heart & make me content with them. He is the only one able to take my mistakes from the past & turn them into a promising future. He is the only one able to make me into something more than me. He is the only one!

Where Did They Learn That

I have said for years that "children are a product of their environment".

If you see a child that misbehaves, more than likely they were allowed or even taught to act this way. If you see a child that is rude or disrespectful, they could be modeling what they have seen from others.

If you see a child that plays quietly and listens during church, more than likely this behavior was encouraged. If you see a child that is well mannered or gets along most of the time with their siblings, they have probably been treated with respect themselves.

I know that there is an exception to everything. I know that not all children who are considered "good" come from ideal environments. I know that not all children who mimic unfavorable behavior, had parents who didn't care.

For the most part though, we are who we are because of the circumstances that encircled us & molded us. Just like the saying "you are what you eat.", children become what they see.

This is an especially hard pill to swallow right now since I am raising a preteen boy who knows everything & wants to argue with the wall. This is especially hard when I see him lash out in anger & disrespect. This is especially hard when I see my 8 year old daughter purposely pick fights with her brother. This is especially hard when I see her leave her room in a state that could easily be classified as a disaster zone containing HazMat materials.

I keep looking at my children, wondering WHAT happened to cause these behaviors. It doesn't matter that the majority of all children go through these stages. It doesn't matter that we went through them growing up. It always looks & feels so much worse when it happens in your own backyard though.

Then I realize that although a lot of these behaviors are a natural part of growing up and a lot of them can be attributed to man's natural tendency to sin, that many of them can be traced back to me.

FAIL

Yes, children are the product of their environment. Even when that environment isn't ideal.

As I watch my children & try to correct their behavior, I pray that God help me change my sinful nature as well. I pray for mercy & grace as I try to remember to act with mercy & grace instead of justice. I pray that one day, my children grow up to be a better Christian example than I have provided for them.