Making A Difference...

***DISCLAIMER***
If you are ever reading anything that I or anyone else writes & you stop to say "Well, I would never react that way" or "I would never allow that to happen" or "My child would never do that", you need to immediately stop reading & return back to your perfect world, because over here, we are far from perfect! I write my heart. I always have, with very little censorship. I write, not to glorify our imperfections, or our insanity, but to bring light to the fact that NO ONE is perfect & we all struggle in our own ways. Some of us more than others. And some of us are a little more vocal about it. So if you want a little encouragement that your child isn't the only one making incredibly stupid decisions or that you aren't the only mom out there just barely making it day to day, please read on & feel free to drop a comment on the latest disaster going on in your life. No judgement here, I promise!
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I was in town recently, getting ready to drive home. The windows were cracked, because it was the first day in a long time that it hasn't been freezing. As I'm getting ready to pull out onto the street, a friend of Austin's catches my attention as I hear her exclaim "There's Tracie!" & see her waving wildly. I laugh & wave back thinking "hmm, I can't believe she recognized me". See this girl has only met me a couple of times & here I was, in my car, hair pulled back, sunglasses on, yet still she knew it was me.

It made me smile because I thought, "well, maybe I am making a difference".

And immediately tears sprang to my eyes as a different thought about making a difference crossed my mind. The realization that I could have just saved someone's life or at the very least, made them reconsider some very bad decisions floored me.

.....

When my 16 year old came home recently with alcohol on his breathe & an illegal substance in his pocket (which upon further investigation may or may not have been his - regardless - guilty by association), I was devastated. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was worried. I was confused. I was hurt.

For the millionth time, I questioned every decision I've ever made as a mother.

And then I did something I never thought I would do, something I never thought I would have to do. I called the law on a teenage party.

I knew a friend of ours was working so I knew he would go check it out. Invoking fear into these kids, letting the parents know what was going on, without anyone getting into too much trouble, hopefully.

At first, I questioned the hasty decision, but as time passed, I realized that I did the right thing & I knew without a doubt that I would do it all over again. If I kept one of those kids from hurting themselves or someone else, if I somehow scared the daylights out of one of them & made them realize what a mistake they were making, it was all worth it!

So I'll just keep on being that mean mom & pray that I am making a difference...one angry teenager at a time!

I will survive, right?

I have thought so many times lately that I need to write, I want to write, but the words won't come. They're right there, floating around in my brain, but I can't put them in the order they need to be. And when I do get my thoughts together, I can't help but think, why bother. It feels like the same ole struggle and the same ole worries with the same ole outcome and quite frankly, that just sucks.

Why do so many of my heartaches involve my teenage son? Oh mercy, I feel so much older than I actually am. And why do so many of his issues involve girls?

I'm trying so hard not to meddle, really I am. But its hard when you sit there and watch your baby become so much less than you dreamed they would be. So much less than what they are capable of being.

He has been lying about everything. His grades have severely dropped. He argues with everyone around him. I can't help but believe its all about a girl.

Isn't it always...

Then he fights constantly with the girl & gets defensive if we say anything about it. 

I am so utterly clueless with this parenting thing.

I'll try my best not to constantly depress you with our struggles, but that's the stage of life we are in right now.

Tell me that we will survive this.

Hypocrite - Table for One

In an earth shattering moment, I realized I was acting just like my mother & I was going against the very advice I had just given someone else a few days before. (If you want to be with someone, be with them & don’t listen to the negative crowd)

Before I had kids, I didn’t know a lot about parenting, but I knew enough to know I didn’t want to repeat many of my mother’s actions. If you’ve been a reader for any amount of time, you know our relationship isn’t fabulous. It is much better than when I was a teenager however.

My precious preteen daughter has another little boy interested in her. Why do they insist on relationships now?! Ugh!

I wasn’t too excited. All I could think about was the drama of the past. You see, we’ve already been in a relationship with this family. My oldest son had an on again off again relationship with the oldest daughter all throughout middle school, until finally in high school, they discovered they were better off as friends. They are still best friends.

I tried my best to discourage this relationship (with my daughter), tried to explain that they were already really good friends so just leave it alone. Well, it happened anyway, at least for 4 days. Until we discussed it again & I was a little more opinionated. I couldn’t handle it. This is my baby here. My only daughter. She’s not enough supposed to be old enough to be interested in boys.

Then it hit me. I couldn’t get it out of my head, my heart, my memories. And the tears flowed freely from the pain of the past & from the uncertainty of the future.

I had pulled a classic Susie moment. I had made a decision based on my feelings alone.

I was instantly transported back to 12-13 years old when I was head over heels for this little boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Cute kid, good athlete, head over heels for me, but he was poor, he came from a bad home, & he wasn’t the smartest kid in class. My mom allowed us to be boyfriend & girlfriend for a little while, then put her foot down. I was DEVASTATED. It didn’t matter though, she didn’t care. And I didn’t stop seeing him. I snuck around, sat with him on the bus, held his hand at school, called him when she wasn’t home, even got to see him almost every day that summer because his best friend lived in my neighborhood (side note, I lost 25 pounds that summer because I was running through the woods with these roughneck boys).

Eventually the fondness dwindled & we stopped seeing each other, but the damage had been done. I felt my mom had crossed a line & I didn’t care if it was ever repaired. That certainly wasn’t the last time she forbid me from seeing a boy or from being friends with someone.

I DON’T WANT THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS!

I want them to talk to me about anything & everything. I want them to know I’m here for them, even when I don’t agree with them.

So I had another heart to heart with her, explained my heart, my mistakes, & my dilemma. She decided on her own this time, that they are better off as friends.

Lord help me to be a much better parent in the future!

Just Trying to Heal

I started this blog so many years ago as a way to heal from an incident that I allowed myself to get into. Over the years through writing, I've been an encouragement, a voice of truth, an easy laugh, or a reminder that there's someone else out there. There have been times that I wrote every single day, times I've wrote more than once a day, times I went months without writing a word, & times that I haven't published what I wrote.

I miss writing more than I ever thought I would. I've allowed myself to get so busy, so calloused, so overwhelmed that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.

I find myself in another situation now. This one is no fault of my own, except maybe for some foolish parenting mistakes along the way.

Like most parents, my children bring me great joy, but also like most parents, they cause more heartache than I've ever thought possible. Raising teenagers is no joke, that's for sure.

My kids are far from perfect, but they are good kids who don't think things through & who make mistakes. Just like yours.

My oldest is in trouble, again. We find ourselves there more often than I find comfortable. That doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that he's a bad influence, it just means that he's a normal teenage boy, who has a tendency to get caught simply because he has been in trouble before & he's being watched more closely.

He has a heart the size of Texas & a temper quick as lightening. He'll argue with a stop sign & fight for what he thinks is right. He's unapologetic in his beliefs.

All of those are admirable qualities as he matures, but they are frustrating now.

Some days I just want to scream, why can't you just sit still & not rock the boat. But, that's not in his nature.

He found himself involved in a freshman football hazing prank. That's honestly the best way I can describe it. This type of thing happens ALL. THE. TIME. in locker rooms all over the world, at the high school level, the college level, & even middle school as well. There's just something about boys acting stupid when they get in a group of their peers, especially unsupervised.

My child's involvement is very limited. He grabbed a friend of his & wrestled him to the ground. Then while my child is trying to get up, other things happened. As a result, my child got suspended from school, got kicked off the football team, faced court charges, counseling, & REPEATED HARASSMENT from children & adults alike.

I'M ANGRY.

I'm angry that there were others involved that didn't get in trouble. There were others involved who came up with the idea. There were others involved who videoed the ordeal. There were others involved who stood by. But for some reason they didn't get in ANY trouble.

I don't understand!

I'm angry that I have heard countless rumors & that people choose to believe them instead of finding out the truth. Welcome to America, where everyone is out for themselves & no one is compassionate.

I'm angry & I'm hurt that I have had people that I considered close friends blackball me for a mistake my child made. Here's an idea, whether you agree, disagree, or are impartial, offer a word of comfort. Tell me you are praying for us. Understand that CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES. Pray that your child is never in the same situation mine is in. Whatever, but do not judge us! ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

I'm angry that complete strangers think its appropriate to post comments, ask for details, & otherwise try to inflame the fire that's trying to be smothered out. I'm angry that mere acquaintances have the nerve to smart off to me when I simple ask how they are doing.

My husband told me the other day that I've been lost since all of this happened. Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I certainly don't know who I can talk to anymore. There have been a few hidden gems that have surfaced throughout all of this & for them, I am thankful. But to say I don't trust people is an understatement. To say I don't want to be around people is another understatement.

I'm trying really hard to hold onto my faith & believe that God has a plan & a purpose, but its almost impossible right now. You can't see the mountaintop from the bottom of the valley.

I'm just broken & I'm just trying to heal.

What Does He Say

You've seen it.

I've seen it.

Almost everyone knows someone affected by an abusive relationship.

I've seen it with girls & their "protective" boyfriend. I've seen it with boys & their "jealous" girlfriend. I've even seen it with your "best" friend.

Every. Single. One of you (US) is at risk for a toxic relationship.

but for simplicity, we are going to stick with the protective boyfriend here 

It starts out like any other relationship, you catch each other's eye, start talking, & eventually start dating. The changes are so subtle that you don't even see them happening.

When he gets jealous over others guys, even ones you have been friends with forever, you think "he's just being protective". When he no longer wants you to hang out with your best friend, you think "well, we do tend to get into trouble together".

When he says he wants to spend every minute with you, you think "oh how sweet, he must really love me". When he asks you to wear or not to wear a certain outfit, you think "he just wants me to look my best".

When he changes to be more what you want or like, you think "wow, we have a lot in common". When he changes you to be more what he wants, you think "its ok, we all make sacrifices for love".

When he loses his temper, you think "it was only one time, he wouldn't ever hurt me". When he becomes violent, you think "it will never happen again". When he stays violent, you think "if I wouldn't make him so mad, he wouldn't act like this".

"But baby, I LOVE you! Why do you make me act so crazy?"

In case you haven't realized it yet, the devil doesn't show up with a pitchfork reeking of smoke, he's usually the best looking one around who can sweet talk like no other. I should know, I had my very own Devil in Disguise.


I've been there!!! Others have been there!! So when someone sees the warning signs, PLEASE pay attention!

I Didn't Know

We were on vacation last week. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This vacation was planned and paid for back in February. We spent a week in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia.

I didn't have any real "ideas" to how this vacation would go, I just knew I wanted to go somewhere we've never been before. I also didn't know that we would be staying in an almost dead zone as far as internet signals were concerned.

I didn't know that the fire call that my husband ignored Monday morning because we were trying to get on the road would change a community. Who knows, if he would have responded, he could have been one of those fighting for their life.

I didn't know the family whose life was changed forever while they were simply on vacation. That could have easily been us.

I didn't know that America as we know it would be turned upside down in a matter of minutes.

I didn't know any of this was going to happen while we were on vacation. I didn't know that I would have to struggle to get bits & pieces of information because I couldn't just look it up any time I wanted to.

I didn't know, but GOD did.

He knew where I would be when all of this happened. He knew ages ago where we would all be. He directed us to where we needed to be & where He wanted us to be.

The struggles that went on, not just last week, but last month, last year, every single twist & turn in the road He already knew about it. He's been carving out the road in this life from the very beginning.

Why do we worry so about things we have no control over?

Level P

Today is marking a very important day in Makenzie's school year. She is testing for her level P. I never thought we would get to that level this year.

If you are sitting there scratching your head in wonder, a level P is on grade level. It means she has read all of these reading passages, answered the questions accordingly, and passed them. It means she has an exemption from being considered for retention. It means success!

Now, she wasn't really being considered (at least not heavily) for third grade retention, but she was on the border.

For those of you that don't know, reading is one of the reasons we decided to put her in public school last year. I just couldn't teach her to read. She entered the 2nd nine weeks of second grade WAY below grade level. They immediately started several intensive programs with her & I put her in private tutoring as well.

She made so much progress just that first year (not even a full school year). She grew a year and a half's worth in only 6 months, but she was still so far behind her peers.

As this year progressed, her teacher told me that even though Makenzie still wasn't where she needed to be, they were not going to hold her back. She was ready in every other area, she just needed a little more help in reading.

To "pass" third grade, they need to pass the EOG or have certain exemptions: a passing BOG (she didn't have that), a Lexile at a certain score (she doesn't have that), a TRC (not a clue what that stands for) of a level P & it honestly didn't look like that would happen since she started 3rd grade with a level H, or passing the majority of reading standard tests they are given throughout the year. Those standards are very similar to the EOG, so that was worrisome as well.

A little over halfway through the year, Makenzie's teacher realized that more than likely she would meet one of those exemptions. She had easily passed every reading standard so far. With only 2 left, and the opportunity to retake them if needed, this exemption was going to be our saving grace. Her teacher also had the foresight to believe that she shouldn't have any problem passing the EOG since these standards are more or less mock EOG's.

Then yesterday, Makenzie excitedly tells me that she is testing for her level P today! She said she was nervous & excited all at the same time.

This may not mean anything to some of you, but for us, this is HUGE!!! This is just another reassurance that placing her in public school when we did was just the right time, all in God's time!

Say a little prayer for her today!!!


UPDATE....... She passed the level P & the level Q!!! Thanks for praying!!!

I'm Tired

I don't know about you, but I'm tired!

Yes I run wide open more often than I don't. I tend to carry more plates than I can hold. And somehow I'm usually supposed to be in several different places at the same time.

I'm tired!

Before you go comparing our schedules & start laughing at who puts on a more entertaining juggling show, let me explain.

My physical state is NOT what I'm writing about today. Even though it applies, that can easily be fixed with a little shut eye.

I'm tired on a spiritual level.

I'm not even talking about my incompetence as a Christian.

BUT I'M TIRED!

I am tired of Satan getting the upper hand on me. I'm tired of him using my loved ones to get the best of me. I'm tired of him using my insecurities, my pain, and my fears to make me question the right decision. I'm tired of him thinking that my past will trip me up the way it used to.

My husband loves me unconditionally. He's not perfect, but he does the best he can. My children bring me more joy and more heartache than I ever knew was possible. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom is even harder. I don't always react the way I should. I don't always have all the answers. I don't always show the love I have in my heart. But I hope, at the end of the day, they know how hard I try!

I have a hard time opening up. I have a hard time trusting. I allow people to get to me more than I let on. I worry about things I have no control over.

I'm NOT the person I used to be. I'm not perfect. I fall every single day. I'm no where near where I need to be, but I'm a lot farther down the road from where I once was.

Satan isn't happy with who I aspire to be. He isn't happy with who God wants be to be. He knows he no longer has me, but he wants me so beaten down that I'm no good to anyone.

I have no clue what God has in store for my life. I'm not sure why He entrusted me with all these blessings that love me. But I do know that His word says in Jerimiah 29:11

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil".

So yes, I'm tired!! And I intend to rely on God to help me fix it!

Goodbye 2014 & Praying for 2015

With the new year upon us, I like to look back on all that transpired during 2014. I can say, with all honesty that we faced things we have never faced before. We experienced new joys, higher highs, & lower lows. Through it all, we are still BLESSED!

2014 brought with it a brand new business, Freedom Fire & Safety, that we are slowly building to its great potential. It brought the best year yet for Blessed Boutique. It brought a new car (finally), parenting struggles, the death of my grandfather, the resignation of a church, a FULLY self employed year (which scares the daylights out of me as tax time gets closer). It brought, not once or twice, but three occasions that brought my mom to church. It brought not one, but two, Super Bowl championships to my children. It brought the opportunity to hear, meet, & shake the hand of one of my favorite singers. It brought new friendships, while others ended. And hopefully, it brought my family closer to each other & to God than ever before.

One of the (many) things that I regret about this past year is the fact that I didn't write nearly as much as I have in the past (only 41 posts in 2014 compared to over 150 in 2013). I just had so many tangled emotions that I felt were best left unsaid at the time. But hopefully 2015 will bring clarity & freedom with it.

We did see 2014 out with a bang & a prayer. We started revival last night at Maple Springs (which will continue through Friday! Come join us!!) then prayed in the New Year at a friend's house. And what New Year's celebration is complete (at least around here) without fireworks & gun shots!

Now a few of my favorite posts from this past year. These have nothing to do with number of views, comments, etc. These are the ones I enjoyed the most, the ones I learned the most from, the ones that moved me to tears.

The one that surprised me the most this year was Weary Mom, I feel You It honestly started out as a venting session. I was so aggravated the day I wrote it, but I had no idea just how many people would need to hear they are not alone!

Another special one was Leaps & Bounds. She's still growing & I'm so thankful for that!

100 Happy Days wasn't one of my favorite "blog posts" but the result of it was. That simple post, that simple decision, brought with it an entire summer of purposefully looking for something EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to make me smile. Some days, I had several things to share, some days, I struggled to find just one. But I faithfully posted a picture to my Instagram about being happy for 100 days!

I Wonder What He's Thinking reminded me just how similar parenting must be to God trying to direct our paths.

Country Must be Country Wide was special just because it had so many fun memories with it! And I have never been featured on someone's website before!!

And of course, no year would be complete without all the fun adventures of Twinkle the elf. So check out all the insanity that the Elf on the Shelf brings with it.

Finally So I Write tells the dark side of me.

I hope that you enjoyed sharing 2014 with us. My goal is that something I said made you laugh, cry, grow, shake your head, or empathize with not just me, but those around you as well. I pray that 2015 will be your (and my) best year ever!

Love you all!!

So I Write...

One of the things that I have always loved most about blogging was the ability to encourage someone else. That's always been a really big deal to me...to be able to make a difference in someone else's life. But its hard to encourage others when you can't find the strength to encourage yourself.

If you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then consider yourself fortunate.

That place where you ask why far more than you should. That place where you have more questions than answers. That place where you feel useless & invisible to everyone around you. That place where sleeping brings peace. That place where the darkness finally overtakes the light.

That's not a fun place to be. Many people struggle with depression the majority of their lives & have a hard time admitting it, let alone overcoming it.

For some time now, I have struggled with my role as a wife, a mother, a Christian, & a friend. I have struggled with trust, obedience, joy, & love. I have wondered why we were spinning our wheels in a church that was dead set on standing still. I have wondered if my "wondering" was hindering it even more. We have struggled more financially than we ever have before. I have repeatedly asked the question of going back to work for a few extra dollars, knowing that the majority of it would only cover day care expenses. I have questioned what more could I have done to help my struggling reader. I have found people that I thought I could open up to, only to have them turn their backs on me & my family. I have dealt with enough teen attitude to last me my entire life & that road has only just begun. I have nursed a sick child over & over & over again with the same problems.

And through it all, I have felt utterly A L O N E.

I know that Jesus was carrying me, but I couldn't feel Him. I know that my husband was there beside me, but he was dealing with the same burdens. He didn't need my worries & fears compounding his. I know that I have a few friends I can talk to, but its so hard for me to trust after I have been repeatedly stabbed in the back.

Oh, I talk to people, but 99% of them have only scratched the surface with me. I CAN'T let them in.

So I write. I can spill my heart out here because I'm not confiding in one single person who might lift me up today & tear me down tomorrow. I write, not knowing who exactly reads this & not worrying about what they may think. I write, in the hopes that someone somewhere can identify, can grow from my mistakes, my pain. I write, because its so much easier than talking.

Weary Mom, I Feel You

I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words today. I just want to say that whatever you are going through weary mom, you are NOT alone. I feel your pain & struggle.

I know what its like to spend an hour sweeping & mopping the floor only to have someone track dirt all through the house.

I know what its like to open the dryer expecting to find clean laundry only to realize that someone left a whole pack of gum in their pockets...again.

I know what its like to try to go out to eat as a family, but spend the majority of your time fussing at your kids to act like they have some sense. After all, you know you have taught them better than that!

I know what its like to stand in front of a closet full of clothes & not have anything suitable to wear.

I know what its like to repeatedly take the toddler to the potty only to have him poop in his pants 5 minutes later.

I know what its like to have a preteen master the art of eye rolling.

I know what its like to feel like a failure.

I know what its like to feel all alone.

I know what its like to feel like no one is listening.

I know what its like to try on that outfit your had picked out for today, only to realize that its too tight, make a vow to lose 20 pounds, turn right around & eat a handful (or more) of chocolate, then hate yourself even more.

I know what its like to feel like you are in competition with electronic devices.

I know what its like to wake up before everyone else in the house, make a desperate effort to ensure everything goes smoothly, have your husband wake up 30 minutes before time to leave, & you STILL be the last one out the door.

I know what its like to cry for no apparent reason.

I know what its like to plan a family event, only to wish that you had went alone.

I know what its like to have a cabinet full of groceries & have no clue what to fix for supper.

I know what its like to go through your daughters clean clothes only to find just as many dirty clothes too.

I know what its like to want someone to talk to, to REALLY talk to, without the fear of judgement or wonder who else they are telling your secrets to.

I know what its like to forget to eat or to only have time to eat everyone's leftovers while standing at the sink.

I know what its like to balance the checkbook and have to decide which bill is more important to pay right now. I also know what its like to realize that a miracle will have to occur in order for you to make it to payday...again.

I know what its like to wonder "What if?"

I know what its like to need to be in half a dozen different places at once.

I know what its like to have the children aggravate the daylights out of each other just because they can.

I know what its like to be busy & hear "Mom. Mooom. Mom?? MOM!!!"

I know what its like to cook a delicious meal, then hear, "I'm not hungry." "I don't like that." "Do I have to eat it?" Then 30 minutes later hear "I'm starving!"

I know what its like to wake up time after time after time with a little one while everyone else in the house snores away.

I know what its like to dislike my body.

I know what its like to be late...again.

I know what its like to want nothing more than a good book, a bubble bath, & a LARGE milkshake & to be able to enjoy it in peace & quiet.

Someone once told me that the days are long, but the years are short. My days are still long, but I can already see how fast the years are going by. I don't yet know what its like for my life to be clean, quiet, & unhurried. But I do know what its like to realize that NO ONE can fix things quit like mom can. And I do know what its like to be rewarded with smiles that light up your world, rib crushing hugs, & wet sloppy kisses. And for those, I know what its like to keep on keeping on.

A Lesson in Grace

I took Makenzie back to the doctor yesterday for her ADHD evaluation. Her doctor doesn't think she has full blown ADHD although there might be a little tendency underlying there. She also eased my fears that her problems are not stemming from not being able to do the work intellectually. She has some sort of learning difference/disability, we just need to figure out what it is.

 

She assured me that I was doing the right thing by backing up, allowing Makenzie to do lessons that she was comfortable with, and not putting pressure on her. She acknowledged the fact that Makenzie is a very happy kid so she must be adjusting well. She also understood the frustration that I was feeling. Everything came so easy to me in school so its a little hard for me to realize that not everyone is like I was. I know this, but its easier said than done when it just doesn't click.

I feel a little better about the situation, but somehow, guilt still overcomes me. I'm having a hard time knowing that I have done everything that I can do to help her. I'm having a hard time knowing that somehow I haven't failed her. I'm having a hard time letting go & letting God.

Last night, I was talking to a friend about all kinds of things in general, silly things, concerns in her life, issues in mine, who really is suffering from our selfish government, etc. Neither one of us could understand why some things were happening. We were looking for that bright neon sign from God that says "This is it. This is why. This is your purpose. This is your way." I simply told her that maybe God was teaching her grace........

It didn't hit me until just a little while ago as I was trying to get Makenzie to focus & trying to get Logan to leave her alone, that maybe my friend wasn't the only one who needed to learn a lesson in grace. I had an hour long conversation last night after a crazy hectic day while trying to eat a late supper, settle babies down for the night, right the world of all its wrongs, understand injustice, laugh, cry, offer advice & prayers just to realize that God was trying to show me that big flashing neon sign.

I'm thankful for God's grace even when I'm sure He is aggravated with repeatedly telling me something. I'm thankful for God's grace even when I'm sure He is thinking "will she ever get it". I'm thankful for God's grace even as I don't show grace like I should. I'm thankful for God's grace even when I don't deserve it.

Tales of a Homeschool Nothing ~ Just Like Starting Over

I'm a creature of habit. I like knowing what's going to happen. I like having it all wrote down in a planner.

Being a mom helped me to understand that nothing goes like you plan it to go. Being a stay at home mom taught me to taught me to roll with the punches. Being a stay at home homeschool mom made me realize that some days I should just throw my planner out the window and start over.

I don't mind spontaneity, but if I have something planned, then I expect it to happen. When it doesn't happen, I tend to get wound tight.

When we started our homeschool journey over 4 years ago, we knew there would be obstacles, difficult times, rewards, joy, sadness, fear, & all kinds of surprises.

We struggled that 1st year as Austin began the 3rd grade trying to find our way, trying to set a schedule, trying to figure out what worked & what didn't. We finally figured it out.

We struggled our 2nd year as Makenzie began Kindergarten & we welcomed Logan to our family. We finally figured it out.

We struggled our 3rd year as Austin's 5th grade work got harder, as Makenzie fought to learn to read, & as Logan became increasingly mobile. We finally figured it out.

We started our 4th year struggling again as we tried to find the balance between our homeschool needs & Austin's public school needs & as Logan becomes more curious & destructive than I have the patience to deal with on most days. We are still struggling trying to get Makenzie to read.

If I have learned anything from homeschooling so far, it has been to expect the unexpected. Things don't always go according to my plan. In fact, things usually go so far left of my plan that its not even funny.

I am having to back up & punt this year.

Makenzie is in the 2nd grade. She is a beautiful, active, loving child that would give you anything if you only asked. She loves to cheer & do cartwheels. She excels at math, but has the hardest time remembering even simple sight words.

I'm really having a hard time with this. I know deep down that this has nothing to do with me. BUT, I can't help but wonder if I had sent her to public school, would she be reading? or would she be even further behind? I can't help but look back & wonder if I could have done more to help her.

We have started ADHD evaluations with her. I'm not a doctor, but I have always seen signs & symptoms. She is also being tested for learning disabilities. They know that something is hindering her from learning to read & comprehend, but they just aren't sure what yet.

This just breaks my heart! I HATE labels! I don't want people to look at her differently. I don't want her to be considered a hard child. I don't want anyone to think she is slow or worse.

I've said from day 1 that she marched to the beat of her own drum. I've scratched my head at her randomness. I've laughed at her silly antics. I've gotten frustrated at having to repeatedly tell her to do something.

So, our 4th year of homeschooling I'm sure will continue to see struggles. But God is using this to show me that I need to change MY expectations & I need to rely more on Him.

And The Mountain Gets Steeper

I just told you about the roller coaster of life I have been riding.......but, wait, there's more!

I've always heard that if you are not currently in a valley, hold on because there's one just ahead. Well, I guess we should have known. Things were peaceful for far too long.

The bombshell dropped on us today.....Justin is losing his job! Oh, you read that correct. This wonderful job that he has already been threatened with losing 3 or 4 times now. Yep, seems to be true this time. Oh & the kicker, he only has 2 weeks left. Thanks for the notice.

It's ok. We were just talking the other day about this not being a permanent career. The money is nice, but the stress of not knowing what the future holds for factory life stinks.

Yes, I am bummed! Yes, I am stressed! Yes, I have already cried buckets of tears!

"BUT MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEED ACCORDING TO HIS RICHES IN GLORY THROUGH CHRIST JESUS."

I KNOW that God has us in the palm of His hand. I KNOW that "all things work together for good to them that love God."

I KNOW that the "effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

I KNOW that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I KNOW that "we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

I KNOW that "God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

I KNOW that if I "have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

I KNOW that Jesus is "even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

I also know that the deeper the valley, the steeper the climb, the sweeter the victory! I WILL NOT give the devil ANY satisfaction through my trials!

EVEN WHEN I DON'T SEE, I STILL BELIEVE!!!!

Give & Take, Up & Down

It has been a roller coaster ride around here lately. You know the kind.....climb, climb, slowly, steady, jerky, climb. Wait, what's over that hill, I can't see. Oh .... AHHHHH, down super fast, jerk to the left, jerk to the right. Up, up again. Oh, loop de loop. Hold on, I left my stomach back there! Round and round and round and round. Screech to a halt.

Have you ever been there?

Its been so wild that I am starting to get dizzy.

Good news - my Plexus Slim business is booming! I completely believe that God opened that door at just the right time. My first month's check will be to the tune of $$$$. Yes, that's 4 digits!

More good news - Justin has been praying for an opportunity to get inside the local high school in the hopes of being a witness. Out of the blue, someone called him & asked him if he wanted to be the athletic trainer for the football team there! We really struggled with this decision. Yes, it was the perfect opportunity to reach out to these students. It could provide a good lesson for Austin as he got to watch the older boys play football. It would provide $$$$. Yep, another 4 digits. BUT, it would be VERY time consuming. Justin would work his regular job from 6am - 2:30pm, then go straight to the high school until at least 6pm, then help coach Austin's team until 8pm. Plus attending every Varsity & JV game both home & away. The only time I would see him would be over a football field or right before falling into bed. After much thought & prayer, he accepted the position.

More good news - we had a little extra money come in from scrap metal.

I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to paying off some bills, getting caught up, & even getting ahead - something we haven't been able to do in quite a while.

WRONG AGAIN! God had other plans for that money.

Bad news - the gauges in my Suburban are going haywire again. We need to have it looked at, but.....

Even worse news - Justin's truck left him stranded on the way to work one day last week. It. Just. DIED. After messing with it a few days in our garage, they gave up & took it to a local body shop where it has been ever since. Oh, they finally figured it out. And it is going to cost WAY TOO MUCH!!! At least $2500.

Truthfully, God has already provided most of it, but its just depressing that we have to use it for that!

There are a few thoughts that have stuck out in my mind even through the uncertainty.

"The Lord giveth, He taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I've served Him before & I'll serve Him today. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I have fallen in love with a song called "I Kept On Praying". It talks about Daniel continually praying, Satan reminding him that God hasn't heard him, & finally God showing up to tell Daniel that He heard him from the first day.

A friend reminded me that there will be plenty of time to catch up & get ahead. And if time runs out, we are off to bigger & better things! Then someone else can worry about my bills!

Even when we don't understand, God has it all under control! Its just hard to accept that sometimes.

Not So Happy

Yesterday was a family member's birthday. I didn't see them. I didn't have the opportunity to wish them happy birthday. In fact, I haven't seen or heard from this person in over 6 months. I know she is alive & other family members have spoken to her, but I haven't.

It's nothing personal, it's a choice that she has made. She has more or less deserted her family & everyone who loves her, with the exception of whatever man she happens to be living with at the time.

But yet, it's not really her choice anymore. She has been wrapped up in some kind of drug or mind altering substance for some time now.

If you know me, then you know exactly who I am talking about. If you don't actually know me, it doesn't matter. I'm sure you know someone who would fit this description! PLEASE pray for her!

Here in NC, there has been  A LOT going on lately with drug busts, especially Meth. A few weeks ago, several people I know were arrested in a local bust that has been accumulating for several years.

It turns out that my home town had the most number Meth labs busted up last year in the WHOLE STATE! How's that for getting your name on the map?! We used to be famous for Moonshine, then while I was in college, it was pot, now Meth. We are also one of the leading counties for prescription overdoses.  Oh, we've got some real winners here.

Have these people never SEEN what Meth can do to your appearance?!

I'm not being judgmental. It is very sad! This drug (all drugs in fact) has people so wrapped up in their clutches that it is almost impossible to get out!

Please talk to your children, your brothers & sisters, your friends, your neighbors, everyone you know. Please make sure they know the dangers, the damages that addictions can cause. If you suspect anyone you know of using drugs, please don't just stand by. Please try to intervene on their behalf. They are NOT going to come clean on their own. They NEED our help!

I know so many families that have been ripped apart by someone's addiction. Parents, children, friends that would give almost anything to have their families happy & put back together again.

Tales of a Homeschool Nothing ~ Distractions, Dreariness, & Doctors

Can you tell from the title of this post just how much we got accomplished this week?! Yeah, not much & I don't foresee any reason to change just for tomorrow.

Just like any other time, I started out with good intentions, but then life happens. Monday was Labor Day, so my plan was to do school but just not a full day. Well, after a few subjects, my hubby came home & we called it a day. Tuesday just as soon as we started school, a friend stopped by to talk. Of course the kids were far more interested in what we were doing than what they were supposed to be doing. Then my brother in law called needing me to watch my nephew since public school was still out. Yeah, sure. Wrap it up. The day is done.

Wednesday welcomed in a very sick baby. Logan kept a high fever all day long. He just laid around, slept, & whined. So off to the doctor we went. After checking his ears, a negative Flu test, a negative RSV test, & no other easy answer, blood was drawn & urine was taken. Let me just tell you that neither was easy! I hated having to put him through all that torture, but he was so miserable that we needed to find the root of the problem. And then he got a shot of antibiotics. UGH

I checked on him every 3 hours during the night, and thankfully, he stayed fever free. He seemed on the mend.

Today was the first meeting for Keepers of the Faith & for 4H so, I did a huge parenting "no-no" and we risked it. Logan did ok most of the day. He was still whiney, but no fever. The kids had fun. We started learning Away in a Manger in sign language for Keepers and played carnival games in 4H.

The past few days just haven't been hunky dory for me. Everything seems to keep going wrong & it just escalated today. Tear after tear has been shed today over circumstances, misunderstandings, wrong decisions, cross words, too many irons, & burdens shared.

I arrived on time (with 2 minutes to spare) for Keepers only to quickly realize that we were meeting somewhere else (A L L the way across town) so now I was 20 minutes late. We had planned to eat lunch with my dad, but that fell through due to time constraints & location, so I was scrambling at 1pm to figure out a new plan. Oh yeah, those free personal pan pizzas would be great until the employee almost dropped them. Whew, that was close, but I wasn't fast enough to stop the boxes from sliding across my seat & spilling into the floor. Ok, so at least my floor wasn't THAT dirty. So after not nearly enough time (according to the kids), we had to scramble out the door for Logan's doctor appointment.

10 minutes down the road, my "check gauges" light comes on & the thermostat is too high. Really? I don't have the time or the energy to deal with this today I pull over, call Justin & leave a message, call my father in law, & call the doctor's office to tell them I will never make it on time. After guessing that I can probably make it home, I start down the road again. I only get about another 5 minutes before I have to pull over again. This time, I wait for reinforcements. 20 minutes later, my father in law pulls up, followed shortly by my husband who was very surprised to see us considering he was also heading home from Wilkesboro and didn't know I had tried to call him.

After a few gallons of water, my Suburban was good as new.....nope, just kidding. But I did make it home & then back & forth to Logan's doctor. If you are new on the scene, you have missed to 3 months (A L L summer) that my Suburban was in the shop getting a brand new engine & costing us over $2300. Then after being home for 3 days, it needing a new water pump.....yeah, well, it obviously needs another new water pump. At least it was still under warranty.

Man does my head hurt!

In the midst of all this junk & my woe is me party, I saw a bunch of geese in the pond on my road & God reminded me how He takes care of the sparrows & that He knows my every need before I even ask for it.

^{Matthew 2:26 "}Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?"

One Lone Wolf

I have always had a fascination & respect for wolves. They are beautiful, mysterious, & deadly creatures of habit.

Occasionally, you will find a lone wolf who has either been forced out of the pack or one who has opted to venture off on their own. But for the most part wolves stick together. They fight fiercely for what they consider theirs, claim far more territory than they could ever need, & hardly ever accept a new comer into the pack.

Did you know that wolves will rarely attack if the prey stands its ground? They enjoy the rush & the chase entirely too much to just pounce on something. 

I see so many parallels between wolves & people.

There are a lot of things going on all around me right now. Things that I have to be completely vague about. Things that have caused harsh words, broken friendships, numerous tears, countless questions, & endless prayers. Things that truly don't have anything at all to do with me, but somehow have sucked me down into the swirling vortex of them.

I am watching people's lives being ripped apart as choices are made. I am watching people making snap judgements without knowing the whole truth. I am watching a beautiful, sacred institution on the verge of being ripped apart & I am screaming on the inside how wrong this is.

Justin is one of the few people who sees things from my point of view. But do we get involved when clearly the lines have been drawn? Do we state our beliefs about fairness even though we don't know the truth? Do we risk it all just to make a point?

I remember being thrown to those wolves just 3 years ago. What I wouldn't have give for someone, anyone to stand & fight for me then.

That deserted island looks better every single day.

Be Still My Bleeding Heart

Pardon me. This is not going to be my usual uplifting inspirational post.

I am usually a generous person. I am usually open minded. I am usually a glass half full kind of girl. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead.

Well, I think that may need to change. I feel the sudden urge to become cynical, to doubt everyone, & to question every motive. Hey, you know that whole innocent until proven guilty thing. Yeah, well, no more. Now it shall be guilty. Yep, just guilty.

If it looks like a duck........

Wait who am I kidding?

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have always felt the sympathy in most situations.

Regardless, I HATE to be taken advantage of.

Here lately, there has been one person in particular who I have felt has certainly taken advantage of my good nature. This person has one sob story after another. I don't know if the stories I am hearing are worth more than the breath it takes to tell them.

I know we all fall on hard times, but come on. Can anyone's luck (fate) be THAT bad?

Unless your name happens to be Job, you just might be exaggerating a wee bit.

Hey, did you ever think that maybe God is trying to get your attention?

Sunshine & Roses

Yep, its been one of those days weeks.

I warn you now there will be lots of complaining in the next few minutes so if you don't want to hear it, feel free to leave.

First, it seems that somehow I have offended or misled people. Dear friend, you know who you are & I HONESTLY didn't mean to! I am opinionated. I tend to whine, complain, & grumble at times, but I try to find the insanity & humor in the day to day stuff. Please don't read more into it than that.

We all had a much better night last night, but, sorry that's the bulk of my gratitude right at this moment. (NO, NOT REALLY, but please let me whine!!)

Since Logan has been sick, I have had ZERO control over schooling. The least little thing derails us. Its VERY hard to read while trying to calm a screaming baby. And for the past two days as I am still TRYING to teach after 4pm (no, that's NOT a mistake!), Justin walks in & does something off the wall which completely destroys what little bit of control I do have. Yesterday, I was trying to explain rotation & revolution with the globe & one of Logan's play cups. Justin decided to be a meteor & throw cups at the globe! Yes, it was HILARIOUS but I tried, I REALLY TRIED not to laugh!!

You do the math ..... zero minus little equals........I quit!

So, no control, kids not listening, baby screaming, distraction after distraction, blah blah blah.

My diet is shot all to kablooey because I am a stress eater. I think I ate EVERYTHING in the house last night!

Then a lovely bill collector called & was NOT nice. So, my temper got a little heated & I nicely told him off. Yeah, yeah, I admit it, I am behind on a few bills. HELLO - one income family!!

Next, while chopping onions for supper, the chopper slipped & knocked Makenzie's slushie in the floor. The sticky red liquid laughed at me!

Logan reuses to go to sleep, so he sits there & fusses. He's still awful cute though!

And then, Pillsbury has the NERVE to tell me NOT to eat raw cookie dough! Yeah right! SHHHHH! Don't tell the kids. I don't think there will be any left by the time they get home!

And to top it off, I don't get to go to church. I don't want to spread germs or bring home any new ones.

 American Idol had better be good!

Where is my Mt Dew?

OK, I'm better now......