Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Tales of a Homeschool Nothing ~ When God Has Another Plan

Have you ever tried & tried to do something, only to continually have it fall apart? Have you ever wanted something with all your heart only to realize that it wasn't going to happen? Have you ever thought you had it all figured out only to know that nothing was quiet what you thought it was?

I have been struggling for awhile now. I have been trying to figure it out. I have been trying to find God's will. I have been trying to understand the reason, the timing, & the direction. I have been weighing the possibilities. I have been praying for guidance.

Even though I still question, even though I am still anxious, even though I still wonder, I feel peace through the uncertainty.

I don't feel like I have given up. I don't feel like I have lost a battle. I don't feel like a failure. I understand that God's will is different from mine. I understand that this chapter in my life has come to an end.

I also understand that God is trying to lead me in a new direction. I also understand that God only wants the best for me. I also understand that only God knows the future.

Tomorrow, Grace of God Christian Academy will be taking a hiatus. I have no clue how long our homeschool will be closed. I don't know if this is a permanent thing or if its just for a little while. Tomorrow, my sweet Makenzie will attend public school for the very first time.

I should have seen it coming. I should have known this was the direction that we were heading. Every single time I tried to plan, every single time I thought about school, every single time anything was mentioned, my stomach would knot & I would silently scream NO.

I thought I understood the resistance once we realized that Austin was going back to middle school. But, the thoughts, the feelings never let up.

My heart hasn't been in it at all. I haven't wanted to do anything school related. I haven't enjoyed anything this year.

Its not a burn out thing. Its not a frustration thing. Its not a need a break thing.

I really believe that God has been leading us in this direction.

Why He only gave me a little over 3 years to teach my kids from home? I'll never know. I hope that I accomplished what I was supposed to in those precious years. I hope that I haven't let Him down. I hope that He can look at me & say well done.

I'm thankful for the time I have had. I don't regret for a minute having all 3 of my babies home with me!

Now, looking to the future, only God knows, but I'm sure He will direct us where we need to go!

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