What if Christmas, Perhaps, Means a Little Bit More

As I sit here this morning in the soft glow of the Christmas tree anxiously waiting for the chaos to begin, I realize just how blessed I am. I have so much to be thankful for, but yet, somehow I feel sad.

I haven't been very Christmasy this year. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just like every other year, we go to a different tree farm & pick out our tree Thanksgiving weekend. But somehow even that felt forced. We (um, mainly me) didn't walk over 97% of the farm to find the perfect tree. We picked one after only looking at about 5. That's unheard of.

We put it up & had to squeeze in decorating it one night after church so that kept the kids up late. (You know me & how I am about bedtime.) Then the kids fussed over this petty thing & that petty thing. One was more interested in social media than helping. So I ended up crying at the table.
*see previous post*

Anyway, then somehow time slipped right by me. As December sped by, I didn't get the chance find the time to decorate anything else for the house. Do you hear me? ANYTHING. No lights outside. No fun knick knacks inside. No mistletoe hanging in the dining room. No tinkling bells that I enjoy so much. No special Santa plate & glass. I didn't even put the Christmas cards up & that has always been my favorite "decoration".

What is wrong with me??

I have far too many things to be thankful for, but yet it's not coming easy right now.

I don't think I've gotten caught up in the "hustle & bustle" or the commercialism, but I sure have gotten caught up in life. Between me working a lot more than I have in recent years (almost every day subbing - which I LOVE so don't read anymore in to that), Justin working EMS nights, with his dad some days, & coaching every afternoon, church activities, & juggling three sports schedules, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to make it til bedtime some days.

I love supporting our kids & I love watching them, but let's be honest, I'm tired. I honestly don't even remember the last time I cooked.

Everyone was so excited about the big snow we had a couple of weeks ago because they got to slow down & just enjoy each other. That didn't happen at our house. Justin & Austin scrapped snow the majority of the time. Justin still worked EMS, because emergencies don't stop for a blizzard. And we had the stomach bug so it was hard to enjoy it.

Justin had to work last night (& tonight as well) so our Christmas Eve traditions were a little rushed & I had to be Santa by myself for the first time. Austin stayed with him so I'm sad that even though he would have went to bed just like the other kids & he will be here soon, just knowing he wasn't home Christmas Eve is hard.

Again, I'm not complaining, just trying to figure out why my heart hurts.

I miss Christmas from years ago. I miss Christmas Eve at my grandparent's house. I miss my grandparents. I miss getting together with aunts, uncles, & cousins. I miss my aunt's chex mix. I miss the elaborate family dinners. Oh, we still have them on Justin's side, but its not the same.

Soon my family will be home, my parents will come over, & my littles will wake up (hopefully in that order) & the chaos will begin. As I've watched the sun rise & wiped a few tears away, my heart feels a little lighter. I just don't want to take any of it for granted.

If this doesn't make sense, don't hold it against me. My thoughts were running wild this morning.

From my family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!