Friday, February 16, 2018

Where is common courtesy? Where is human decency?

Like so many others, my heart breaks for the families in Florida, and everywhere else that has dealt with school shootings.

When Columbine happened, the world stopped! We were in shock! We were horrified! We couldn’t believe that someone, anyone could be so heartless!

But eventually life went on, at least for the majority of the world. Some lives were changed forever, but after a few weeks, did we think about them at all? Maybe a passing sad thought, but that’s it.

Until it happened again. WHAT!? I can’t believe someone else did this. I can’t believe someone else took innocent lives without thinking twice.

And again, we were sad, but eventually went on. 

Until it happened again, and again, and again. Until finally, we are no longer horrified! It almost feels normal. Yes, it’s still horrible, but we just stand by & point fingers, try to find a motive, & scream from the rooftops it’s time for change.

I stumbled across THIS ARTICLE & it says so much about what we aren’t even talking about! It is time for change, but not from the government, not from the lawmakers, not from the President. It’s time WE changed! 

Just recently I overheard a group of young ladies discussing how someone threatened to kill hisself. You want to know their response... they laughed & said they would miss him. They weren’t even sure if it was worth telling someone, or contacting his parents. (For the record, I spoke up & said “YES, you need to tell someone!”)

I’ve also heard multiple stories from my daughter who is in MIDDLE SCHOOL mention that so & so is thinking about suicide! MIDDLE SCHOOL!

I understand that this issue isn’t suicide, BUT the problem here is a lack of concern! We have been so indoctrinated with violence, rape, bullying, drugs, SIN, that we laugh it off or look the other way. 

How many times have we said “that’s not my problem” or “that’s not my business”? 

I think it’s time we make it our business! It’s time we make it our concern! 

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

And THIS is Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

Some days I wonder how the world is still turning, how it is still functioning. How century after century, the population not only continues, but increases. How did any of us survive through adolescence without our parents strangling us? This teenage stuff is for the birds. Its rough, I tell you.

I swear my oldest son has single handedly provided me with enough drama & heartache to last a lifetime. And its scary when I realize we're only halfway through the teen years.

There's a song out right now that while I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, I can't help but think of him everytime I hear it.
 I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

It's HARD getting your heart broken over & over again by those that you love the most!

My devotional this morning in The Joseph Calling was about David learning that Saul had been killed. My first thought was, what does this have to do with Joseph? But as I read on I understood.

David had every right to be happy that Saul, the very one who had made his life miserable, was gone. But he didn't. He was sorrowful. He mourned. Makes you wonder WHY David was sad his enemy had finally been defeated once & for all...


I wept! I couldn't have read on any farther if my life depended on it!

My teenage son may not be my enemy but some days it sure feels like it!

He needs my grace just as I need God's grace.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Hypocrite - Table for One

In an earth shattering moment, I realized I was acting just like my mother & I was going against the very advice I had just given someone else a few days before. (If you want to be with someone, be with them & don’t listen to the negative crowd)

Before I had kids, I didn’t know a lot about parenting, but I knew enough to know I didn’t want to repeat many of my mother’s actions. If you’ve been a reader for any amount of time, you know our relationship isn’t fabulous. It is much better than when I was a teenager however.

My precious preteen daughter has another little boy interested in her. Why do they insist on relationships now?! Ugh!

I wasn’t too excited. All I could think about was the drama of the past. You see, we’ve already been in a relationship with this family. My oldest son had an on again off again relationship with the oldest daughter all throughout middle school, until finally in high school, they discovered they were better off as friends. They are still best friends.

I tried my best to discourage this relationship (with my daughter), tried to explain that they were already really good friends so just leave it alone. Well, it happened anyway, at least for 4 days. Until we discussed it again & I was a little more opinionated. I couldn’t handle it. This is my baby here. My only daughter. She’s not enough supposed to be old enough to be interested in boys.

Then it hit me. I couldn’t get it out of my head, my heart, my memories. And the tears flowed freely from the pain of the past & from the uncertainty of the future.

I had pulled a classic Susie moment. I had made a decision based on my feelings alone.

I was instantly transported back to 12-13 years old when I was head over heels for this little boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Cute kid, good athlete, head over heels for me, but he was poor, he came from a bad home, & he wasn’t the smartest kid in class. My mom allowed us to be boyfriend & girlfriend for a little while, then put her foot down. I was DEVASTATED. It didn’t matter though, she didn’t care. And I didn’t stop seeing him. I snuck around, sat with him on the bus, held his hand at school, called him when she wasn’t home, even got to see him almost every day that summer because his best friend lived in my neighborhood (side note, I lost 25 pounds that summer because I was running through the woods with these roughneck boys).

Eventually the fondness dwindled & we stopped seeing each other, but the damage had been done. I felt my mom had crossed a line & I didn’t care if it was ever repaired. That certainly wasn’t the last time she forbid me from seeing a boy or from being friends with someone.


I want them to talk to me about anything & everything. I want them to know I’m here for them, even when I don’t agree with them.

So I had another heart to heart with her, explained my heart, my mistakes, & my dilemma. She decided on her own this time, that they are better off as friends.

Lord help me to be a much better parent in the future!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Just Trying to Heal

I started this blog so many years ago as a way to heal from an incident that I allowed myself to get into. Over the years through writing, I've been an encouragement, a voice of truth, an easy laugh, or a reminder that there's someone else out there. There have been times that I wrote every single day, times I've wrote more than once a day, times I went months without writing a word, & times that I haven't published what I wrote.

I miss writing more than I ever thought I would. I've allowed myself to get so busy, so calloused, so overwhelmed that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.

I find myself in another situation now. This one is no fault of my own, except maybe for some foolish parenting mistakes along the way.

Like most parents, my children bring me great joy, but also like most parents, they cause more heartache than I've ever thought possible. Raising teenagers is no joke, that's for sure.

My kids are far from perfect, but they are good kids who don't think things through & who make mistakes. Just like yours.

My oldest is in trouble, again. We find ourselves there more often than I find comfortable. That doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that he's a bad influence, it just means that he's a normal teenage boy, who has a tendency to get caught simply because he has been in trouble before & he's being watched more closely.

He has a heart the size of Texas & a temper quick as lightening. He'll argue with a stop sign & fight for what he thinks is right. He's unapologetic in his beliefs.

All of those are admirable qualities as he matures, but they are frustrating now.

Some days I just want to scream, why can't you just sit still & not rock the boat. But, that's not in his nature.

He found himself involved in a freshman football hazing prank. That's honestly the best way I can describe it. This type of thing happens ALL. THE. TIME. in locker rooms all over the world, at the high school level, the college level, & even middle school as well. There's just something about boys acting stupid when they get in a group of their peers, especially unsupervised.

My child's involvement is very limited. He grabbed a friend of his & wrestled him to the ground. Then while my child is trying to get up, other things happened. As a result, my child got suspended from school, got kicked off the football team, faced court charges, counseling, & REPEATED HARASSMENT from children & adults alike.


I'm angry that there were others involved that didn't get in trouble. There were others involved who came up with the idea. There were others involved who videoed the ordeal. There were others involved who stood by. But for some reason they didn't get in ANY trouble.

I don't understand!

I'm angry that I have heard countless rumors & that people choose to believe them instead of finding out the truth. Welcome to America, where everyone is out for themselves & no one is compassionate.

I'm angry & I'm hurt that I have had people that I considered close friends blackball me for a mistake my child made. Here's an idea, whether you agree, disagree, or are impartial, offer a word of comfort. Tell me you are praying for us. Understand that CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES. Pray that your child is never in the same situation mine is in. Whatever, but do not judge us! ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

I'm angry that complete strangers think its appropriate to post comments, ask for details, & otherwise try to inflame the fire that's trying to be smothered out. I'm angry that mere acquaintances have the nerve to smart off to me when I simple ask how they are doing.

My husband told me the other day that I've been lost since all of this happened. Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I certainly don't know who I can talk to anymore. There have been a few hidden gems that have surfaced throughout all of this & for them, I am thankful. But to say I don't trust people is an understatement. To say I don't want to be around people is another understatement.

I'm trying really hard to hold onto my faith & believe that God has a plan & a purpose, but its almost impossible right now. You can't see the mountaintop from the bottom of the valley.

I'm just broken & I'm just trying to heal.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

I Should NOT Be Having This Conversation With My Teenager

Did you know that suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds? Or that girls are twice as likely to think about or attempt suicide? Yeah, me neither!

Its also proven that many of the normal issues that teenagers deal with cause suicidal thoughts, but when you factor in a crappy start to life, a feeling of aloneness, abusive environments, crumbling families, bullying, and all kinds of other junk that has become the norm in our society, these thoughts increase greatly!

As a parent, you always think, my child is so full of life, I'll never have to worry about them not wanting to live. You think, my child has so many friends & people that love them, they'll never consider their life is worthless. You think, I know my child, I'll see the signs.

As a parent, WE ARE CLUELESS!

I have had the suicide talk with my teenager far more times than any parent should have to, but it got real yesterday.

I had an unspeakable fear settle deep within my soul when I realized that a rope my youngest had been playing with was missing, my gun safe was unlocked (even though the kids don't know the combination), & my teenager was off in the woods. I had flashes of panic as my teenager became hysterical when he found out his girlfriend was in the hospital & being committed because she tried to kill herself.

And I had to make the very hard, very conflicted decision as a parent, to put an end to this very unhealthy relationship.

This darling girl has become our family in the past 6 months. She has spent holidays with us. She has enjoyed family traditions with us. She has charmed all of us.

But she is unhealthy.

And although we all love her, I have to look out for my own kids health & well being before I can worry about anyone else.

She has to heal herself before she can be any good for anyone else.

If you are reading this, PLEASE pray not only for her, for my son, but for all our youngins. They are fighting Hell by the acre & most of the time we don't even know it.