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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Can I Love You Through It

I know that everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason. Some to help you, some so you help them, some to help each other. No matter what, there's a reason.

There's a new person in our life right now & my heart breaks for her. Part of me wants to pull her in, love on her, and attempt to solve all her problems. Part of me is scared to allow her too close because I know the hurt & baggage she is carrying. I'm scared that her past will bring more damage to my family than my family can bring happiness & healing to her.

Austin is positively head over heels in love (well, as in love as you can truly be as a teenager) with this sweet little girl who has a horrible past. Dead beat, drug addict parents, in and out of foster care, horrors that no woman, let alone young girl, should have to endure, numerous adoptions that have fallen through.

She's had a rough start in life. And my son, who has a heart of gold, treats her like a princess. He doesn't look at her past, but tries to love her through it. He doesn't look at the fact that she lives in a children's home, but wants her to experience family the way it should be.

And to be perfectly honest, she's worked her way into all of our hearts.

I don't understand how God allows these things to go on day after day. I don't understand why children suffer while adults stand by not caring. I don't understand the heartache, the pain, the abandonment.

I know it happens all the time, but this is the first time its ever been this real to us.

I understand that we never know God's plan, but I'm really confused on this one.

I'm trying to provide a somewhat normal, loving environment, but am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Is this really a good thing? Or are we going to be burned beyond repair when its all over?


Monday, November 21, 2016

Double Standards at their Finest

2 months into Freshman year high school & Austin is suspended.

Long story short, another guy had been bullying him, harassing him, making sexual remarks towards his girlfriend, etc. Guy made one comment too many & Austin decked him. One punch & done. Walked away to calm down.

The actual deputy on duty that found out about it wanted everything to blow over. He wanted the football coach to serve out all the punishment. He didn't want to get the SRO involved.

Yes, well...

SRO got involved, suspended Austin for 10 days OSS (I had to plead his case & reveal the WHOLE story just to get it reduced to 5 days), pressed charges, & got him kicked off the JV football team. This has also ultimately led to Austin being an A-B student to barely having a C in a few classes just because he's still trying to catch up.

2 months into what's supposed to be some of the best years & we feel like our world is caving in.

The best part of this story...the other guy didn't get jack! So much for a "bully free" zone. So much for a zero tolerance.

 Moral of the story kiddos, run your mouth all you want to, be a coward & blend in, because you won't get in trouble. But take a stand for yourself, take a stand for someone else, and there are bound to be repercussions.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I Never Knew I could be this Tired

So it's been a while. OK it's been a REALLY LONG while.

I've missed writing. I've had other people tell me they have missed my writing.

Right now, I really don't care if anyone reads any of these or not (there will be several for awhile). These next few posts are strictly for my attempts at healing my own heart & soul. But hey, that's why I started writing in the first place. It had nothing to do with a certain number of views, how many comments, or pats on the back. I just needed to express myself or I would explode. I'm there again. No one to talk to but this stupid computer.

My heart just hasn't been in it. I have been empty. I can't explain it any other way. EMPTY. NOTHING. No encouragement, no soothing words, no nothing. It's hard to encourage others when you barely have the energy to make it through the day yourself.

I'm starting to think I am going crazy. But in reality its probably depression. No, I'm not going to the doctor. At least not yet.

I can't even begin to explain what I've felt over the last year. It's all jumbled up inside me anyway, I can barely understand it myself. I just know that life is hard & it seems to be getting harder.

2016 as a whole has been a pretty crappy year. With a few exceptions in the summer where we experienced out of this world revivals & saw hundreds of people (including my two oldest children) saved, the rest of the year has been not much more than a black cloud.

And I guess that's it. When you are so high up, it doesn't take much to crash & burn.

We've experienced more things go wrong, more things break, more things cost lots of money than we have in a long time. (think major appliances break & rebreak, think not just one, but all 3 of our vehicles needing extensive repair) In addition to that, we've experienced far too many weeks with very little income coming in. That's one of my downfalls. I worry too much about money. Not that I've ever had much, but we've always just "gotten by". I am so tried of getting by. Getting by sucks.

My husband is finally realizing his dream. He is just a few short months away from becoming a paramedic. I'm so proud of him.

But behind the scenes, no one sees just how hard it has been.

He works 4 (yes, 4!! - plumbing with his dad, fire extinguishers with his mom. athletic trainer for football & wrestling at the high school, & EMS) jobs. He also goes to school 2 nights a week & every other Saturday. And tries to preach when he can.
(Which by the way, several people look down on him because they don't think EMS allows him to put God first. To those people, whatever, worry about your own life & then you won't have time to worry about ours.)

I hate to complain because I KNOW he is exhausted, but so am I. This has left me solely taking care of our kids. Do you have any idea how busy my kids are??!! I've always said that I knew I could do it on my own, well I've proven it & I don't want to do it on my own anymore. I am bone shattering weary. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, & honestly, spiritually as well.

I'm just tired. There are no other words.

Matthew 11:28-30 " Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give 
you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: 
and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

I know my Bible is true, but sometimes its hard. I'm trying, really I am...