Mother's Day

 There's something about Mother's Day that feels me with melancholy. I can't help it. Through all of the attempted celebrations and well wishes, I can't help but feel a little sad. 

I read posts from several of my friends who had praying, God fearing mommas who always encouraged them to follow God's will in their lives and who always showed them God's love. I hear people talk about the fact that they wouldn't be who they are today without their moms. I know several who would give anything to have their moms for just a little longer.

And I feel guilty, sad, and often times, alone.

Yes, I still have my mom. But she didn't spend countless hours on her knees praying for me. She hasn't walked right by my side, giving me advice, throughout every stage of my life. She hasn't made it a priority to attend things that were special to me or my kids. In fact, she has probably missed more than she has attended.

But I am who I am today thanks to lessons I have learned along the way from her. Unfortunately, most of them are lessons on how I don't want to do things.

Then I see teenagers making posts on their stories about how much they love their mom, and how they have the best mom in the world.

And I hope that they mean it deep down in their hearts. I hope that they aren't just posting because they feel like they are supposed to. I hope that they can see through all of the flaws, all of the failures, all of the times we have said no, & realize that us mommas are trying!

I pray that as they get older, my children can look back & say that even though I didn't give them everything they wanted, I made sure that they had everything they needed. I want them to look back & see that I only wanted the best for them. I hope they know that I prayed for them, not nearly as much as I should have, but I prayed and cried out to God on their behalf. 

I hope that one day, my daughter wants to be a little like me, but a much better version. I hope that my sons want their future wives to have a few of the same qualities that I have, but I want them to improve on those qualities. 

I hope that one day, when my kids are grown, they reflect more on the positive memories than on the negative ones. I hope that when they are grown, my kids don't need therapy.

I'm trying to follow my own advice. I'm looking for the positives. Sometimes, the negatives weigh more and are much heavier to lift in order to find the positives.