Just Trying to Heal

I started this blog so many years ago as a way to heal from an incident that I allowed myself to get into. Over the years through writing, I've been an encouragement, a voice of truth, an easy laugh, or a reminder that there's someone else out there. There have been times that I wrote every single day, times I've wrote more than once a day, times I went months without writing a word, & times that I haven't published what I wrote.

I miss writing more than I ever thought I would. I've allowed myself to get so busy, so calloused, so overwhelmed that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.

I find myself in another situation now. This one is no fault of my own, except maybe for some foolish parenting mistakes along the way.

Like most parents, my children bring me great joy, but also like most parents, they cause more heartache than I've ever thought possible. Raising teenagers is no joke, that's for sure.

My kids are far from perfect, but they are good kids who don't think things through & who make mistakes. Just like yours.

My oldest is in trouble, again. We find ourselves there more often than I find comfortable. That doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that he's a bad influence, it just means that he's a normal teenage boy, who has a tendency to get caught simply because he has been in trouble before & he's being watched more closely.

He has a heart the size of Texas & a temper quick as lightening. He'll argue with a stop sign & fight for what he thinks is right. He's unapologetic in his beliefs.

All of those are admirable qualities as he matures, but they are frustrating now.

Some days I just want to scream, why can't you just sit still & not rock the boat. But, that's not in his nature.

He found himself involved in a freshman football hazing prank. That's honestly the best way I can describe it. This type of thing happens ALL. THE. TIME. in locker rooms all over the world, at the high school level, the college level, & even middle school as well. There's just something about boys acting stupid when they get in a group of their peers, especially unsupervised.

My child's involvement is very limited. He grabbed a friend of his & wrestled him to the ground. Then while my child is trying to get up, other things happened. As a result, my child got suspended from school, got kicked off the football team, faced court charges, counseling, & REPEATED HARASSMENT from children & adults alike.

I'M ANGRY.

I'm angry that there were others involved that didn't get in trouble. There were others involved who came up with the idea. There were others involved who videoed the ordeal. There were others involved who stood by. But for some reason they didn't get in ANY trouble.

I don't understand!

I'm angry that I have heard countless rumors & that people choose to believe them instead of finding out the truth. Welcome to America, where everyone is out for themselves & no one is compassionate.

I'm angry & I'm hurt that I have had people that I considered close friends blackball me for a mistake my child made. Here's an idea, whether you agree, disagree, or are impartial, offer a word of comfort. Tell me you are praying for us. Understand that CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES. Pray that your child is never in the same situation mine is in. Whatever, but do not judge us! ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

I'm angry that complete strangers think its appropriate to post comments, ask for details, & otherwise try to inflame the fire that's trying to be smothered out. I'm angry that mere acquaintances have the nerve to smart off to me when I simple ask how they are doing.

My husband told me the other day that I've been lost since all of this happened. Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I certainly don't know who I can talk to anymore. There have been a few hidden gems that have surfaced throughout all of this & for them, I am thankful. But to say I don't trust people is an understatement. To say I don't want to be around people is another understatement.

I'm trying really hard to hold onto my faith & believe that God has a plan & a purpose, but its almost impossible right now. You can't see the mountaintop from the bottom of the valley.

I'm just broken & I'm just trying to heal.

I Should NOT Be Having This Conversation With My Teenager

Did you know that suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds? Or that girls are twice as likely to think about or attempt suicide? Yeah, me neither!

Its also proven that many of the normal issues that teenagers deal with cause suicidal thoughts, but when you factor in a crappy start to life, a feeling of aloneness, abusive environments, crumbling families, bullying, and all kinds of other junk that has become the norm in our society, these thoughts increase greatly!

As a parent, you always think, my child is so full of life, I'll never have to worry about them not wanting to live. You think, my child has so many friends & people that love them, they'll never consider their life is worthless. You think, I know my child, I'll see the signs.

As a parent, WE ARE CLUELESS!

I have had the suicide talk with my teenager far more times than any parent should have to, but it got real yesterday.

I had an unspeakable fear settle deep within my soul when I realized that a rope my youngest had been playing with was missing, my gun safe was unlocked (even though the kids don't know the combination), & my teenager was off in the woods. I had flashes of panic as my teenager became hysterical when he found out his girlfriend was in the hospital & being committed because she tried to kill herself.

And I had to make the very hard, very conflicted decision as a parent, to put an end to this very unhealthy relationship.

This darling girl has become our family in the past 6 months. She has spent holidays with us. She has enjoyed family traditions with us. She has charmed all of us.

But she is unhealthy.

And although we all love her, I have to look out for my own kids health & well being before I can worry about anyone else.


She has to heal herself before she can be any good for anyone else.

If you are reading this, PLEASE pray not only for her, for my son, but for all our youngins. They are fighting Hell by the acre & most of the time we don't even know it.

I Hate Bedtime

Have I stated before how much I detest bedtime?

Oh no, I enjoy going to bed, but I've never liked bedtime.

These parents that talk lovingly about their wonderful bedtime routine with their children have got to be heavily medicated. Oh sure, that newborn that you give a bath, massage for 10 minutes, then snuggle until they fall into a blissful slumber sure sounds grand. But where's the reality with that?

I detest bedtime because it's a constant struggle.
 

I go back and forth between the kids, finding an acceptable book to read, taking one a drink of water (even though they were just up & didn't think to get a drink of water...just like every other night for the past XXX days), running one out of the bathroom (not because they are actually using the bathroom, but because obviously they've not had enough time to stare in the mirror today), reminding one to put their dirty clothes in the hamper & put their shoes up (again), running one off of the cell phone because they "forgot" to turn the volume off (when they are really sending a last minute text because they had to get off the phone at least 30 minutes ago), ushering one back to bed again & again & again (and being called into the bedroom to answer question after question & to give a detailed itinerary of tomorrow's schedule), saying no to repeated cries of wanting a snack because they are starving.

And then, I breathe deeply & feel overwhelming guilt & sadness because there are so many that would love to have children to tuck in one last time, that would love for their kids to be healthy enough to keep getting out of bed, that would love to just have a bed or a child or anything of their own. And I pray for help to be a better mom, to not lose my temper so easily, to not take things for granted, for everyone to have a good night's sleep with sweet dreams, and for far more grace than I deserve so we can start all over again tomorrow.