Do You See What I See

We put up our Christmas tree yesterday. We always try to do it Thanksgiving weekend, but we just barely got that accomplished this time. The kids are getting older & schedules are getting busier. And its sad.

I am very picky about how the lights are placed, the more the better, so the kids don't even bother trying to help with that part. Well, Logan still does. Then its all theirs. It really doesn't matter to me how the ornaments are put up. Sure I'll move one here & there when a limb is weighted down, there's too much in one spot, or a big gaping hole that no one but me sees, but other than that, I'm good.

It's beautiful. It usually is. Not because we spent a lot of money on decorations or because a professional did it, but because its ours & it's decorated with love... at least I hope.

The pictures show smiles & a pretty tree. You see it. We all see it. At least the parts that we want you to see & the parts that can actually be photographed.

But do you see what I see?

I see my husband trying to cook supper at 8pm while I put the lights up because we haven't had any other time together as a family. I see them staying up past bedtime & hoping no one is grumpy in the morning. I see one child not feeling well. I see one child fussing at another for ringing the bells too loud. I see one child repeatedly throwing snowflakes at the tree. I see one child on their phone instead of enjoying this. 

I see the supper I'm trying to eat even though the tears make it hard to swallow. I see the past when we got along better. I see Christmas from my childhood & I see happiness. I see them all grown & no longer home to help decorate the tree. I see them looking back on their childhood with more heartache than fondness. I see disappointment, shame, regrets, & what ifs.

But then, as I'm putting Logan to bed, he smiles & tells me he had fun & I see love. Through more tears, I see love. And I see a weary momma trying desperately to hang on to the magic even though the world has made her jaded & her kids are growing up entirely too fast.

I'm glad you don't see what I see. Oh how I miss when times were simpler.

October 2, 2018

This day. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for THIS DAY.

This day probably doesn't mean anything to you, but it means so much to my family.

It means freedom. It means being able to breathe easier. It means returning to a somewhat normal life. It means its finally over.

It means 398 days since our world turned upside down & in that time I've grown to seriously dislike some numbers.

First & foremost August 29, 2017. I might just erase the day if I could.

Followed closely by October 2, 2017. I have faced many things in my life. I've been mad, upset, & scared over situations out of my control, but I've NEVER experienced fear the way I did on October 2, 2017. And there was NOTHING I could do about it.

Helpless. Hopeless. Betrayed. Scared. Angry. Confused.

• 365 - 365 days until this nightmare was officially over.

• 11 - an 11 month deadline

• 65 - 65 hours that seemed like a waste of time

• 5 - 5 months of mental evaluations

• 60 - every 60 days that someone questioned my parenting

• 30 - every 30 days of check ins

• 4 - 4 charges that all started with a moment of unclear thinking

• 3 - 3 days a week that my home was invaded

• 9 - 9 hours that felt like a prison sentence

• 1.5 - 1.5 hrs that seemed like a bigger waste of time

• 1 - 1 huge mistake

• 0 - 0 unexcused absences

• random - enough random testing to make you doubt your sanity

Unfortunately, the list goes on. I just can't put it into number form.


If you don't know me personally or if you didn't know us then, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about & that's ok. Just know that life is better now. I've learned real friends from fake. I've learned how to keep my circle small. I've learned that sometimes, all you have is the people in your home.

I've also developed a new appreciation for some numbers.

• 24 - 24 hours, Tomorrow is a new day & you get to start over again & again & again, & sometimes that's all you can do - start over & hope for better

• 5 - 5 means Grace, Grace form God, Grace for each other, & Grace from each other

• 5 - 5 also happens to be the number in my family, while its not perfect, its the one God gave me

and most importantly

• 2 - 2nd chances, and sometimes 3rds & 4ths & 5ths as well

But after a full year to reflect, I realize that I've learned to appreciate August 29, 2017 & October 2, 2017. Without them, my family wouldn't be who we are today. Without  them, my family could be a lot worse off than we are now. Without them, decisions to turn & walk away from bad situations might not have ever happened. Without them, maturity might have come at a higher cost. Without them, a darker, harsher future might have come about.

I believe that God allows things to happen in order to bring people to the place He wants them to be so He can use them.

My son has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but he's a better person from it.

My daughter has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but she's a better person.

My husband & I have learned some hard lessons the hard way, but I pray we are better because of it.

Just like the phoenix, out of the ashes. I've clung to that image for over a year now, knowing that it will be ok & that we will rise again.

I will survive, right?

I have thought so many times lately that I need to write, I want to write, but the words won't come. They're right there, floating around in my brain, but I can't put them in the order they need to be. And when I do get my thoughts together, I can't help but think, why bother. It feels like the same ole struggle and the same ole worries with the same ole outcome and quite frankly, that just sucks.

Why do so many of my heartaches involve my teenage son? Oh mercy, I feel so much older than I actually am. And why do so many of his issues involve girls?

I'm trying so hard not to meddle, really I am. But its hard when you sit there and watch your baby become so much less than you dreamed they would be. So much less than what they are capable of being.

He has been lying about everything. His grades have severely dropped. He argues with everyone around him. I can't help but believe its all about a girl.

Isn't it always...

Then he fights constantly with the girl & gets defensive if we say anything about it. 

I am so utterly clueless with this parenting thing.

I'll try my best not to constantly depress you with our struggles, but that's the stage of life we are in right now.

Tell me that we will survive this.

I’m Waiting on the Bigger & Better

Sometimes certain people have been in your life so long it’s hard to remember where they came from, how they got there, & even how you lived before they showed up. Sometimes people are in it for the long haul, no matter what, the highs & lows, through thick & thin. Sometimes people are just there for a short period when you seem to need each other most.

Sometimes people grow apart, develop new friends, or find new interests. Sometimes people move.

Then sometimes people walk out of your life at what feels like your rock bottom, when you feel you need them the most, when you feel all alone, when you feel no one is left in your corner. Those are the people that are hardest to forgive, that are hardest to get over, that are hardest to understand.

It’s not easy seeing those people at places where you used to be included. It’s not easy knowing that their life went on just as if you never existed. It’s not easy being on the outside looking in.

God has a reason for allowing those people in your life. Just as He has a reason for allowing those people to walk out of your life.

It certainly doesn’t make it any easier but at least maybe one day, the reason will become clear &
you can hold your head up a little higher knowing that even when those people tried to push you down, you came out on top.

Here’s to waiting, praying, BEGGING for the day that God sends someone even better to replace “those people”!

And THIS is Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

Some days I wonder how the world is still turning, how it is still functioning. How century after century, the population not only continues, but increases. How did any of us survive through adolescence without our parents strangling us? This teenage stuff is for the birds. Its rough, I tell you.

I swear my oldest son has single handedly provided me with enough drama & heartache to last a lifetime. And its scary when I realize we're only halfway through the teen years.

There's a song out right now that while I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, I can't help but think of him everytime I hear it.

 I'm never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

'Cause every time I open up, it hurts

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

It's HARD getting your heart broken over & over again by those that you love the most!

My devotional this morning in The Joseph Calling was about David learning that Saul had been killed. My first thought was, what does this have to do with Joseph? But as I read on I understood.

David had every right to be happy that Saul, the very one who had made his life miserable, was gone. But he didn't. He was sorrowful. He mourned. Makes you wonder WHY David was sad his enemy had finally been defeated once & for all...

"WHEN WE BEGIN TO SEE PEOPLE AS GOD DOES, WE'LL NO LONGER LOOK AT THEM AS ENEMIES, BUT AS SOULS IN NEED OF GRACE."

I wept! I couldn't have read on any farther if my life depended on it!

My teenage son may not be my enemy but some days it sure feels like it!

He needs my grace just as I need God's grace.

Just Trying to Heal

I started this blog so many years ago as a way to heal from an incident that I allowed myself to get into. Over the years through writing, I've been an encouragement, a voice of truth, an easy laugh, or a reminder that there's someone else out there. There have been times that I wrote every single day, times I've wrote more than once a day, times I went months without writing a word, & times that I haven't published what I wrote.

I miss writing more than I ever thought I would. I've allowed myself to get so busy, so calloused, so overwhelmed that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.

I find myself in another situation now. This one is no fault of my own, except maybe for some foolish parenting mistakes along the way.

Like most parents, my children bring me great joy, but also like most parents, they cause more heartache than I've ever thought possible. Raising teenagers is no joke, that's for sure.

My kids are far from perfect, but they are good kids who don't think things through & who make mistakes. Just like yours.

My oldest is in trouble, again. We find ourselves there more often than I find comfortable. That doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that he's a bad influence, it just means that he's a normal teenage boy, who has a tendency to get caught simply because he has been in trouble before & he's being watched more closely.

He has a heart the size of Texas & a temper quick as lightening. He'll argue with a stop sign & fight for what he thinks is right. He's unapologetic in his beliefs.

All of those are admirable qualities as he matures, but they are frustrating now.

Some days I just want to scream, why can't you just sit still & not rock the boat. But, that's not in his nature.

He found himself involved in a freshman football hazing prank. That's honestly the best way I can describe it. This type of thing happens ALL. THE. TIME. in locker rooms all over the world, at the high school level, the college level, & even middle school as well. There's just something about boys acting stupid when they get in a group of their peers, especially unsupervised.

My child's involvement is very limited. He grabbed a friend of his & wrestled him to the ground. Then while my child is trying to get up, other things happened. As a result, my child got suspended from school, got kicked off the football team, faced court charges, counseling, & REPEATED HARASSMENT from children & adults alike.

I'M ANGRY.

I'm angry that there were others involved that didn't get in trouble. There were others involved who came up with the idea. There were others involved who videoed the ordeal. There were others involved who stood by. But for some reason they didn't get in ANY trouble.

I don't understand!

I'm angry that I have heard countless rumors & that people choose to believe them instead of finding out the truth. Welcome to America, where everyone is out for themselves & no one is compassionate.

I'm angry & I'm hurt that I have had people that I considered close friends blackball me for a mistake my child made. Here's an idea, whether you agree, disagree, or are impartial, offer a word of comfort. Tell me you are praying for us. Understand that CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES. Pray that your child is never in the same situation mine is in. Whatever, but do not judge us! ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

I'm angry that complete strangers think its appropriate to post comments, ask for details, & otherwise try to inflame the fire that's trying to be smothered out. I'm angry that mere acquaintances have the nerve to smart off to me when I simple ask how they are doing.

My husband told me the other day that I've been lost since all of this happened. Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I certainly don't know who I can talk to anymore. There have been a few hidden gems that have surfaced throughout all of this & for them, I am thankful. But to say I don't trust people is an understatement. To say I don't want to be around people is another understatement.

I'm trying really hard to hold onto my faith & believe that God has a plan & a purpose, but its almost impossible right now. You can't see the mountaintop from the bottom of the valley.

I'm just broken & I'm just trying to heal.

I Should NOT Be Having This Conversation With My Teenager

Did you know that suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds? Or that girls are twice as likely to think about or attempt suicide? Yeah, me neither!

Its also proven that many of the normal issues that teenagers deal with cause suicidal thoughts, but when you factor in a crappy start to life, a feeling of aloneness, abusive environments, crumbling families, bullying, and all kinds of other junk that has become the norm in our society, these thoughts increase greatly!

As a parent, you always think, my child is so full of life, I'll never have to worry about them not wanting to live. You think, my child has so many friends & people that love them, they'll never consider their life is worthless. You think, I know my child, I'll see the signs.

As a parent, WE ARE CLUELESS!

I have had the suicide talk with my teenager far more times than any parent should have to, but it got real yesterday.

I had an unspeakable fear settle deep within my soul when I realized that a rope my youngest had been playing with was missing, my gun safe was unlocked (even though the kids don't know the combination), & my teenager was off in the woods. I had flashes of panic as my teenager became hysterical when he found out his girlfriend was in the hospital & being committed because she tried to kill herself.

And I had to make the very hard, very conflicted decision as a parent, to put an end to this very unhealthy relationship.

This darling girl has become our family in the past 6 months. She has spent holidays with us. She has enjoyed family traditions with us. She has charmed all of us.

But she is unhealthy.

And although we all love her, I have to look out for my own kids health & well being before I can worry about anyone else.


She has to heal herself before she can be any good for anyone else.

If you are reading this, PLEASE pray not only for her, for my son, but for all our youngins. They are fighting Hell by the acre & most of the time we don't even know it.

I Hate Bedtime

Have I stated before how much I detest bedtime?

Oh no, I enjoy going to bed, but I've never liked bedtime.

These parents that talk lovingly about their wonderful bedtime routine with their children have got to be heavily medicated. Oh sure, that newborn that you give a bath, massage for 10 minutes, then snuggle until they fall into a blissful slumber sure sounds grand. But where's the reality with that?

I detest bedtime because it's a constant struggle.
 

I go back and forth between the kids, finding an acceptable book to read, taking one a drink of water (even though they were just up & didn't think to get a drink of water...just like every other night for the past XXX days), running one out of the bathroom (not because they are actually using the bathroom, but because obviously they've not had enough time to stare in the mirror today), reminding one to put their dirty clothes in the hamper & put their shoes up (again), running one off of the cell phone because they "forgot" to turn the volume off (when they are really sending a last minute text because they had to get off the phone at least 30 minutes ago), ushering one back to bed again & again & again (and being called into the bedroom to answer question after question & to give a detailed itinerary of tomorrow's schedule), saying no to repeated cries of wanting a snack because they are starving.

And then, I breathe deeply & feel overwhelming guilt & sadness because there are so many that would love to have children to tuck in one last time, that would love for their kids to be healthy enough to keep getting out of bed, that would love to just have a bed or a child or anything of their own. And I pray for help to be a better mom, to not lose my temper so easily, to not take things for granted, for everyone to have a good night's sleep with sweet dreams, and for far more grace than I deserve so we can start all over again tomorrow.

Can I Love You Through It

I know that everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason. Some to help you, some so you help them, some to help each other. No matter what, there's a reason.

There's a new person in our life right now & my heart breaks for her. Part of me wants to pull her in, love on her, and attempt to solve all her problems. Part of me is scared to allow her too close because I know the hurt & baggage she is carrying. I'm scared that her past will bring more damage to my family than my family can bring happiness & healing to her.

Austin is positively head over heels in love (well, as in love as you can truly be as a teenager) with this sweet little girl who has a horrible past. Dead beat, drug addict parents, in and out of foster care, horrors that no woman, let alone young girl, should have to endure, numerous adoptions that have fallen through.

She's had a rough start in life. And my son, who has a heart of gold, treats her like a princess. He doesn't look at her past, but tries to love her through it. He doesn't look at the fact that she lives in a children's home, but wants her to experience family the way it should be.

And to be perfectly honest, she's worked her way into all of our hearts.

I don't understand how God allows these things to go on day after day. I don't understand why children suffer while adults stand by not caring. I don't understand the heartache, the pain, the abandonment.

I know it happens all the time, but this is the first time its ever been this real to us.

I understand that we never know God's plan, but I'm really confused on this one.

I'm trying to provide a somewhat normal, loving environment, but am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Is this really a good thing? Or are we going to be burned beyond repair when its all over?

Double Standards at their Finest

2 months into Freshman year high school & Austin is suspended.

Long story short, another guy had been bullying him, harassing him, making sexual remarks towards his girlfriend, etc. Guy made one comment too many & Austin decked him. One punch & done. Walked away to calm down.

The actual deputy on duty that found out about it wanted everything to blow over. He wanted the football coach to serve out all the punishment. He didn't want to get the SRO involved.

Yes, well...

SRO got involved, suspended Austin for 10 days OSS (I had to plead his case & reveal the WHOLE story just to get it reduced to 5 days), pressed charges, & got him kicked off the JV football team. This has also ultimately led to Austin being an A-B student to barely having a C in a few classes just because he's still trying to catch up.

2 months into what's supposed to be some of the best years & we feel like our world is caving in.

The best part of this story...the other guy didn't get jack! So much for a "bully free" zone. So much for a zero tolerance.

 Moral of the story kiddos, run your mouth all you want to, be a coward & blend in, because you won't get in trouble. But take a stand for yourself, take a stand for someone else, and there are bound to be repercussions.

I Never Knew I could be this Tired

So it's been a while. OK it's been a REALLY LONG while.

I've missed writing. I've had other people tell me they have missed my writing.

Right now, I really don't care if anyone reads any of these or not (there will be several for awhile). These next few posts are strictly for my attempts at healing my own heart & soul. But hey, that's why I started writing in the first place. It had nothing to do with a certain number of views, how many comments, or pats on the back. I just needed to express myself or I would explode. I'm there again. No one to talk to but this stupid computer.

My heart just hasn't been in it. I have been empty. I can't explain it any other way. EMPTY. NOTHING. No encouragement, no soothing words, no nothing. It's hard to encourage others when you barely have the energy to make it through the day yourself.

I'm starting to think I am going crazy. But in reality its probably depression. No, I'm not going to the doctor. At least not yet.

I can't even begin to explain what I've felt over the last year. It's all jumbled up inside me anyway, I can barely understand it myself. I just know that life is hard & it seems to be getting harder.

2016 as a whole has been a pretty crappy year. With a few exceptions in the summer where we experienced out of this world revivals & saw hundreds of people (including my two oldest children) saved, the rest of the year has been not much more than a black cloud.

And I guess that's it. When you are so high up, it doesn't take much to crash & burn.

We've experienced more things go wrong, more things break, more things cost lots of money than we have in a long time. (think major appliances break & rebreak, think not just one, but all 3 of our vehicles needing extensive repair) In addition to that, we've experienced far too many weeks with very little income coming in. That's one of my downfalls. I worry too much about money. Not that I've ever had much, but we've always just "gotten by". I am so tried of getting by. Getting by sucks.

My husband is finally realizing his dream. He is just a few short months away from becoming a paramedic. I'm so proud of him.

But behind the scenes, no one sees just how hard it has been.

He works 4 (yes, 4!! - plumbing with his dad, fire extinguishers with his mom. athletic trainer for football & wrestling at the high school, & EMS) jobs. He also goes to school 2 nights a week & every other Saturday. And tries to preach when he can.
(Which by the way, several people look down on him because they don't think EMS allows him to put God first. To those people, whatever, worry about your own life & then you won't have time to worry about ours.)

I hate to complain because I KNOW he is exhausted, but so am I. This has left me solely taking care of our kids. Do you have any idea how busy my kids are??!! I've always said that I knew I could do it on my own, well I've proven it & I don't want to do it on my own anymore. I am bone shattering weary. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, & honestly, spiritually as well.

I'm just tired. There are no other words.

Matthew 11:28-30 " Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give 

you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: 

and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

I know my Bible is true, but sometimes its hard. I'm trying, really I am...

I Didn't Know

We were on vacation last week. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This vacation was planned and paid for back in February. We spent a week in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia.

I didn't have any real "ideas" to how this vacation would go, I just knew I wanted to go somewhere we've never been before. I also didn't know that we would be staying in an almost dead zone as far as internet signals were concerned.

I didn't know that the fire call that my husband ignored Monday morning because we were trying to get on the road would change a community. Who knows, if he would have responded, he could have been one of those fighting for their life.

I didn't know the family whose life was changed forever while they were simply on vacation. That could have easily been us.

I didn't know that America as we know it would be turned upside down in a matter of minutes.

I didn't know any of this was going to happen while we were on vacation. I didn't know that I would have to struggle to get bits & pieces of information because I couldn't just look it up any time I wanted to.

I didn't know, but GOD did.

He knew where I would be when all of this happened. He knew ages ago where we would all be. He directed us to where we needed to be & where He wanted us to be.

The struggles that went on, not just last week, but last month, last year, every single twist & turn in the road He already knew about it. He's been carving out the road in this life from the very beginning.

Why do we worry so about things we have no control over?

Don't Let Satan Steal Your Motherhood

I have carried a blog post in the back of my Bible for awhile now. I go back & read it every now & then.

Since last Sunday was Mother's Day, I shared it, through lots of tears, at church.

I should have known. I should have been ready, but I wasn't.

Satan struck back with a vengeance. And he sucker punched me right in the heart.

I received a phone call about disrespectful & disruptive behavior at school. I have cleaned all sorts of bodily fluids off of furniture. I have listened to more bickering than usual. And I have been swamped with chores.

While "in the moment", I almost let him win. It took lots of effort, not by me, but by God - ok, well maybe not so much "effort" from Him, but it sure felt like it.

But no matter what obstacles I encounter, no matter how high the mountain, or how low the valley, I am still blessed beyond measure, blessed far more than I deserve!

Anyway, here is the post. Go check out what happens when Satan steals your motherhood.

Hello Juvenile Delinquent

I have wrestled with whether or not to post this one. Usually I'm an open book, no holds barred type of person. But this subject, while it could easily happen to any one of you, will probably cause lots of talk. So welcome to another edition of my less than perfect life...

As some of you know, there was an "incident" with Austin earlier this month. Now, my oldest isn't a fighter by nature, but he isn't one to back down either...ever. As we are learning, he can certainly hold his own. Long story short: a friend of Austin's started it, Austin finished it, resulting with the friend needing medical attention & glue.

Its never a good day when the school shows up on my caller id. But what started out as dread, turned into full fledged panic with more questions than answers.

Since there was "serious injury", the county, NOT the school or the other family, HAD to press charges. Because of a situation that started out as nothing more than boys being boys, now both of these 12 year old BOYS were being charged with misdemeanor assault!

Great...now I have a juvenile delinquent. At 16, sure maybe, but 12!!!

After the shock wore off, talking to the other family (who we are also friends with), and getting a few more answers, we were able to try to laugh about the whole incredible ordeal.

Even through the jokes, worry still remained. What would the juvenile protection services say, would there be long term repercussions, counseling, community service, worse?

After 10 L O N G days, we finally had our meeting. Since this was his first offense, all went well & the case was dismissed.

I think part of her job is to scare the pants off of kids.

While talking with this woman, we learned so many shocking things.

Did you know that the school refers every case involving fights, weapons, & drugs? EVERY ONE OF THEM! Including 6 year olds who through something across the room!!!

At any given time, there are 250 children (under 16 - because 16 is legally an adult here in NC) in this county on probation! REALLY??!!??!! Is that necessary?!

It shocks me to think that the school no longer wants any part of trying to help children that truly need help. While our case was nothing in the grand scheme of it all, I just can't imagine what some of these families go through just because the powers that be don't want to deal with it.

If my oldest child, who is not, nor ever has been, a saint, gets into another fight, whether he starts it or just defends himself, (which let's face facts, most boys do fight) he will be right back in that office facing stricter consequences.

Its a sad time we live in folks. Children can no longer be children, they can't try to settle things between themselves, they can no longer take up for themselves, without threats of legal action looming over their heads.

Of yeah, and my juvenile delinquent goes to church, plays football, wrestles, makes good grades, plays guitar, rides dirt bikes, & ties bow-ties just for fun!

So I Write...

One of the things that I have always loved most about blogging was the ability to encourage someone else. That's always been a really big deal to me...to be able to make a difference in someone else's life. But its hard to encourage others when you can't find the strength to encourage yourself.

If you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then consider yourself fortunate.

That place where you ask why far more than you should. That place where you have more questions than answers. That place where you feel useless & invisible to everyone around you. That place where sleeping brings peace. That place where the darkness finally overtakes the light.

That's not a fun place to be. Many people struggle with depression the majority of their lives & have a hard time admitting it, let alone overcoming it.

For some time now, I have struggled with my role as a wife, a mother, a Christian, & a friend. I have struggled with trust, obedience, joy, & love. I have wondered why we were spinning our wheels in a church that was dead set on standing still. I have wondered if my "wondering" was hindering it even more. We have struggled more financially than we ever have before. I have repeatedly asked the question of going back to work for a few extra dollars, knowing that the majority of it would only cover day care expenses. I have questioned what more could I have done to help my struggling reader. I have found people that I thought I could open up to, only to have them turn their backs on me & my family. I have dealt with enough teen attitude to last me my entire life & that road has only just begun. I have nursed a sick child over & over & over again with the same problems.

And through it all, I have felt utterly A L O N E.

I know that Jesus was carrying me, but I couldn't feel Him. I know that my husband was there beside me, but he was dealing with the same burdens. He didn't need my worries & fears compounding his. I know that I have a few friends I can talk to, but its so hard for me to trust after I have been repeatedly stabbed in the back.

Oh, I talk to people, but 99% of them have only scratched the surface with me. I CAN'T let them in.

So I write. I can spill my heart out here because I'm not confiding in one single person who might lift me up today & tear me down tomorrow. I write, not knowing who exactly reads this & not worrying about what they may think. I write, in the hopes that someone somewhere can identify, can grow from my mistakes, my pain. I write, because its so much easier than talking.

Weary Mom, I Feel You

I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words today. I just want to say that whatever you are going through weary mom, you are NOT alone. I feel your pain & struggle.

I know what its like to spend an hour sweeping & mopping the floor only to have someone track dirt all through the house.

I know what its like to open the dryer expecting to find clean laundry only to realize that someone left a whole pack of gum in their pockets...again.

I know what its like to try to go out to eat as a family, but spend the majority of your time fussing at your kids to act like they have some sense. After all, you know you have taught them better than that!

I know what its like to stand in front of a closet full of clothes & not have anything suitable to wear.

I know what its like to repeatedly take the toddler to the potty only to have him poop in his pants 5 minutes later.

I know what its like to have a preteen master the art of eye rolling.

I know what its like to feel like a failure.

I know what its like to feel all alone.

I know what its like to feel like no one is listening.

I know what its like to try on that outfit your had picked out for today, only to realize that its too tight, make a vow to lose 20 pounds, turn right around & eat a handful (or more) of chocolate, then hate yourself even more.

I know what its like to feel like you are in competition with electronic devices.

I know what its like to wake up before everyone else in the house, make a desperate effort to ensure everything goes smoothly, have your husband wake up 30 minutes before time to leave, & you STILL be the last one out the door.

I know what its like to cry for no apparent reason.

I know what its like to plan a family event, only to wish that you had went alone.

I know what its like to have a cabinet full of groceries & have no clue what to fix for supper.

I know what its like to go through your daughters clean clothes only to find just as many dirty clothes too.

I know what its like to want someone to talk to, to REALLY talk to, without the fear of judgement or wonder who else they are telling your secrets to.

I know what its like to forget to eat or to only have time to eat everyone's leftovers while standing at the sink.

I know what its like to balance the checkbook and have to decide which bill is more important to pay right now. I also know what its like to realize that a miracle will have to occur in order for you to make it to payday...again.

I know what its like to wonder "What if?"

I know what its like to need to be in half a dozen different places at once.

I know what its like to have the children aggravate the daylights out of each other just because they can.

I know what its like to be busy & hear "Mom. Mooom. Mom?? MOM!!!"

I know what its like to cook a delicious meal, then hear, "I'm not hungry." "I don't like that." "Do I have to eat it?" Then 30 minutes later hear "I'm starving!"

I know what its like to wake up time after time after time with a little one while everyone else in the house snores away.

I know what its like to dislike my body.

I know what its like to be late...again.

I know what its like to want nothing more than a good book, a bubble bath, & a LARGE milkshake & to be able to enjoy it in peace & quiet.

Someone once told me that the days are long, but the years are short. My days are still long, but I can already see how fast the years are going by. I don't yet know what its like for my life to be clean, quiet, & unhurried. But I do know what its like to realize that NO ONE can fix things quit like mom can. And I do know what its like to be rewarded with smiles that light up your world, rib crushing hugs, & wet sloppy kisses. And for those, I know what its like to keep on keeping on.

The Newest Gateway Drug??

I had to think twice & even three times before publishing this one tonight. I hate to air dirty laundry, but if someone else can learn from an experience then I think it should be shared.

I was literally sitting with tears in my eyes this afternoon praying & thinking about the latest stupid decision my 16 year old niece had made, wondering how I was going to address it, & feeling burdened for our young people when the phone rang.

It hasn't been a grand & glorious few days at our house, and "that moment when.....the vice principle called the house....." didn't make it any better.

It seems that my almost, in less than a week, 12 year old & some of his "friends" thought it would be a smart decision to snort the sugar from a Pixie Styx up their noses similar to cocaine. WHY????

My first reaction, of course, was anger, followed by disappointment, concern, & finally confusion. I had plenty of time for my emotions to run the gambit & to rant in my head before he got home.

He denied taking part in this activity but there's just something about his story that doesn't sit well with me. I HATE not being able to trust him, but he has not been the most honest person lately.

This may seem trivial, & on the surface it seems to be just a silly stunt, but after a little research, I found out that snorting Pixie Styx & smoking Smarties is more common place than we realized.

I can't help but wonder if kids are doing this & pretending its the real thing in order to appear cool, similar to candy cigarettes for my generation. But by pretending now, does that open up that gateway for real drugs later on. And how easy would it be for a "friend" to exchange that somewhat harmless sugar for something much more sinister.

I guess I will never really know if he actually did this, but it did provide yet another opportunity to discuss the importance of honesty, choosing good friends, & making sound decisions.

Talk to your kids. Find out what crazy ideas their peers are having. Let them know that even something that seems harmless can hurt them. Keep the communication open so they feel comfortable actually opening up when something does happen. Most importantly, pray for them!

Leaps & Bounds

I had a parent teacher conference with Makenzie's teacher the other day. I always go into those feeling both worry & relief. I want to know how she is doing, I NEED to know how she is doing, but at the same time, I'm usually scared to find out.

I have seen such an improvement in her lately. She has went from someone who would do almost anything to get out of reading to someone who reads every sign, box, & piece of information that she can. She is the one to remind me that she has homework if I forget. You can look at her & see the pieces starting to fit together!

She is finally getting it!

Realizing that I couldn't teach her to read was so hard for me to accept & admit. We tried. We really tried!

I understand now why some parents make different choices for their children. While homeschooling worked fine for Austin, & me for that matter. It wasn't what my daughter needed & it took me over 2 years to see that.

I believe now that homeschooling was more for me than for my children anyway. I learned to lean on God like I never had before. I learned that I don't always have all the answers. I learned that its ok for the budget not to work out on paper, because God doesn't budget like we do. I learned that some of the best lessons are lived, not taught.

And while some days, I miss my 2 oldest being home with me, I love seeing the excitement when they talk about their friends, when they tell me all about what happened during their day, & even when I have to wade through the drama that is middle school. I wouldn't change my how & why we came to the choices we made for anything. For without those exact choices at those exact times, things wouldn't be what they are now.

I'm thankful that God had another plan! And I'm thankful that I actually listened when I did.

Makenzie's teacher told me that I couldn't have put her back in at a more appropriate time. It seems that there are far more in the same boat as my daughter right now than not.

I want to share our GREAT NEWS - Makenzie has grown a WHOLE grade level in just 5 months!!!! I know we still have some ways to go, but I could n't be prouder of her success! She will get there!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your prayers!! PLEASE keep them coming!

Is the Ball Broken Yet?

In a frantic realization today, I realized that today is November 1st. That means that Halloween is over.

Not a big deal you say. Humph, maybe not to you but it is to me. The WHOLE month of October is over. One of my favorite holidays is over.

Still not a big deal? Sure, but I realized this morning that I didn't get ONE. SINGLE. PICTURE. of my kiddos in FULL costume!! Yes, I snapped a couple with Makenzie fully done up, Logan partially dressed, & Austin without his gear entirely! And the only reason I got those was because we went to see my grandpa in the hospital and I wanted a picture of him with the kids. I guess we will have to get dressed up again just for a photo op, especially since Austin informed me this was probably his last year trick or treating in costume. *sigh*

I also realized yesterday that the WHOLE month has passed and we haven't watched NOT. ONE. SINGLE. HORROR MOVIE. Not a Freddy, not a Jason, not a Michael. The kids haven't watched anything remotely scary, spooky, or suspenseful. We haven't even watched Halloweentown this year!!! And we ALWAYS watch that!

Ok, so NOW do you see my dilemma? No? Hold on .....

Haunted houses have been a part of my life since I was 12 (maybe younger than that). I still love going! We started taking Austin 2 years ago. Yep, you guessed it. We didn't make it to one of them this year either!

Next on my list of failures for this Halloween season .....

Guess what is STILL sitting on my front porch? Pumpkins, not jack-o-lanterns. PUMPKINS!! We haven't had TIME to carve them!! Hmmm, maybe I can start a trend of Thanksgiving themed jack-o-lanterns!

Oh, and that's not all (but these goofs have nothing to do with Halloween).

On my daughter's 3rd day of public school, I had to dig a pair of jeans out of the dirty clothes for her to wear because there weren't any clean. Hey, I wore my jeans at least a dozen times in college before washing them! One wearing doesn't even get them good & comfy yet.

We have officially ate out more than we have ate at home for the past two months! BLAH! I'm so sick of hamburgers!

I completely FORGOT about Austin's teacher conference the other day! I was waiting for a "confirmation" on a time. Well, I guess in middle school, that no longer applies!

I looked at Justin this morning as I laughed and wondered out loud just how many more times can I drop the ball before it breaks into a million pieces.

But it didn't end there!

Austin missed out on free time at school today because I "forgot" to sign some paper that he swears he told me about. Ummm, I really think the ball was in his court this time! I don't remember any paper.

And just a few minutes ago, Austin called me to figure out just where I was. "Uh, on my way to get you." He informed me I was late. WHAT??? But I thought the dance was over at 9:30. Then I obviously tried to pick him up at the wrong door. I guess it didn't make enough sense to pick him up in the same place I dropped him off at, huh.

Oh well, such is life.

I'll get it together one day, just don't hold your breath waiting for it.

A Lesson in Grace

I took Makenzie back to the doctor yesterday for her ADHD evaluation. Her doctor doesn't think she has full blown ADHD although there might be a little tendency underlying there. She also eased my fears that her problems are not stemming from not being able to do the work intellectually. She has some sort of learning difference/disability, we just need to figure out what it is.

 

She assured me that I was doing the right thing by backing up, allowing Makenzie to do lessons that she was comfortable with, and not putting pressure on her. She acknowledged the fact that Makenzie is a very happy kid so she must be adjusting well. She also understood the frustration that I was feeling. Everything came so easy to me in school so its a little hard for me to realize that not everyone is like I was. I know this, but its easier said than done when it just doesn't click.

I feel a little better about the situation, but somehow, guilt still overcomes me. I'm having a hard time knowing that I have done everything that I can do to help her. I'm having a hard time knowing that somehow I haven't failed her. I'm having a hard time letting go & letting God.

Last night, I was talking to a friend about all kinds of things in general, silly things, concerns in her life, issues in mine, who really is suffering from our selfish government, etc. Neither one of us could understand why some things were happening. We were looking for that bright neon sign from God that says "This is it. This is why. This is your purpose. This is your way." I simply told her that maybe God was teaching her grace........

It didn't hit me until just a little while ago as I was trying to get Makenzie to focus & trying to get Logan to leave her alone, that maybe my friend wasn't the only one who needed to learn a lesson in grace. I had an hour long conversation last night after a crazy hectic day while trying to eat a late supper, settle babies down for the night, right the world of all its wrongs, understand injustice, laugh, cry, offer advice & prayers just to realize that God was trying to show me that big flashing neon sign.

I'm thankful for God's grace even when I'm sure He is aggravated with repeatedly telling me something. I'm thankful for God's grace even when I'm sure He is thinking "will she ever get it". I'm thankful for God's grace even as I don't show grace like I should. I'm thankful for God's grace even when I don't deserve it.