Dear Class of 2021

You started your senior year like every one of us, holding your breathe. You didn't know what would happen, what would come next. You didn't know what to expect. None of us did.

With anxious hearts and nervous minds, you started what was supposed to be that best year of your life so far at home. You didn't get to see all of your friends that you grew up with. 

Oh sure, you probably saw a few of your besties over the summer. And I'm sure you facetimed even more.

Then they said we were coming back to school, but on a split schedule. Well... ok... hopefully your very best friend would be there on the same day.

We got word that sports were going to resume, but with restrictions. Well... ok... at least you got to play the sport you loved, right. Even though it was a little weird.

Away sporting events became a struggle, but you were playing!

Wait, did they just say we were having a semi normal homecoming? Well... ok... it's slightly different, but hey, it's homecoming, right?!

A pep rally? Really? Oh, it's virtual? That's ok. We'll take anything we can get.

Travel restrictions have been lifted? Hallelujah! 

Everyone can come back in person? On the same day? That's great!

Clubs are available now too? Awesome!

They just announced a prom!!

And plans for graduation! A normal graduation...

Dear Class of 2021, we salute you! We honor you! We celebrate you! 

We have been to hell and back with you!

We are truly happy for you, but please don't hold it against some of us if we cheer you own through a few tears of our own. 

Yes, graduation celebrations are always filled with tears of happiness, uncertainty, fear, and a little sadness at your growing up, but some of us are shedding tears for other reasons as well.

So yes, class of 2021, even though this is your time to shine, some of us are struggling
a little more than others.

Sincerely,

A Mom of the Class of 2020

An Open Letter to the Sport that Changed our Lives

Dear Wrestling,

Thank you. Thank you for allowing my family to be a part of something bigger than we are. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the heartbreak. Thank you for the friends we've made along the way. Thank you for showing us that some friendships aren't truly friendships when its just the two of you on that mat. Thank you for proving that some friendships are
stronger than who's hand gets raised. Thank you for dreams that come true. Thank you for the lessons learned.

When we started this journey 6 years ago (wow, has it only been 6 years, it feels like so much more), I never dreamed how important you would become in our lives. When my 106 pound 7th grader slammed the door after practice one day mid season saying he wanted to quit, I never thought our relationship would continue. We've never quit anything so he endured until the end, but it didn't matter to me either way if he chose to see you again. He had an ok season with more losses than wins and was granted the most improved wrestler award. We tried something new, it wasn't our favorite, and that is ok.


But our relationship did continue. He put on 15 pounds in that first month post season, was happy because he could eat again, and came back as a stronger 126 pound 8th grader. He learned that 2 raspberry doughnuts the night before a match will make you be 4 ounces overweight. He never missed weight again, no matter what it cost him. He had a stellar season, taking down opponent after opponent, until the conference championship. He learned that 6 consecutive backthrows will wear you out and bring the whole gym to its feet. And even if you lose by 3 points, you have the satisfaction of being a part of the best match of the tournament. He received the most valuable award, made a long term friend, & I was a proud momma.


We trained tirelessly through the off season. Practice, tournaments, medals, the top of the podium. It felt good & we started thinking that we liked this sport called wrestling.






Freshman year found him 6 pounds heavier and completely in awe at how the competition changed. That's ok, it just meant he had to work harder. He learned that you have to keep fighting until
the very last second even when you're down by 4 against a senior, because all you need is 12 seconds, a reversal, & back points to win & surprise everyone. He learned what fighting through the pain meant when he suffered a 2nd degree AC tear at Regionals and refused to stop or forfeit the remainder of his matches that day. He learned you can always go to the hospital when its over with. He earned the coach's award that year and realized that 2nd place at AAU States isn't bad for a freshman. And we started thinking.


He put on a few more pounds Sophomore year to weigh in at 138 and learned that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't beat this one local rockstar, but he could finally go toe to toe with him after two years without getting pinned. He learned that some matches will almost always result in needing a police escort and some fans just suck. He learned that 6th in the Region wasn't what he wanted. His teammates voted him to receive the Cardinal award. He returned to AAU States with 2nd place again and we started thinking... maybe there really is a future here.


He returned as a much more confident 145 pound Junior who had
absolutely fallen in love with you. He had a passion that would not be denied. He was a leader, an example, and a teacher. He learned that unfortunately, those certain fans still suck, sometimes friendships cannot overcome that, his momma is always in his corner fighting with him, and his papa has a temper. He learned that your 100th win as a Junior is amazing. He learned that being the Conference Champion, being named the #1 seed in the region and #3 seed in the state is sweet, but the stats don't always reflect the outcome and fighting through the blood round at Regionals is brutal. But oh the relief of placing 3rd at Regionals and having the chance to compete on the state level.

We took 4 to the State tournament last year. We had all been to big tournaments before, but to be able to even witness this level of competition was mind blowing. It was exciting, it was inspiring, and it was scary. Three Juniors and a Sophomore ready to take on the world. We learned the true meaning of the spotlight last year, as the weekend went on and we had the only two wrestlers left competing for hardware in the county. We learned that the parade of champions will make you cry & you will never hear We Are the Champions the same way again. We learned that its entirely possible to be physically sick from nerves. We learned the fastest way to the local hospital after landing on your head and neck and not being able to squeeze your coach's hand. We learned that 2nd

place in all the State is not a bad place to be. We learned that true friends will take a picture with you
in the hospital, neck brace and all, because you didn't get to stand on the podium. Hey, that picture looks pretty cool in the yearbook too. He realized that its ok to take a break and we really started thinking about college.



Over the summer, that upcoming Senior fought to remain at 145 pounds. He learned that JRob Intensive Camp is a beast. He learned what it was like to be over 7 hours from home for 2 weeks and realized even though he's growing up, he still gets homesick. He learned that sometimes, no matter how hard he tries, his body will not cooperate, will catch every sickness going around, and will shut down completely. He learned what sheer exhaustion was.




Before the season ever started this year, we learned the excitement of getting scouted. We learned that all the effort and hard work was paying off. We learned that dreams do come true and we learned he could have a home in Bristol, TN if he wanted it.

This year, my Senior learned that the spotlight isn't as pretty when it shines brightest on you. As an unknown Junior, he came out of nowhere to place 2nd in State. As a returning Senior, all eyes were on him, waiting and watching, picking apart the successes and failures. He learned that some matches just aren't yours to win. He learned that its a harder struggle to lose with grace and dignity than it looks. He learned that some refs are biased and make wrong calls, that sometimes luck wins out, yes, those same fans, plus many more, still suck, and that his daddy will fight for him, even if they both get suspended. He learned that people are going to talk about you, no matter what. He learned that
injuries can decide a period, a match, or a season. He learned the heartache that one bad move can allow the 5th seed to beat the 1st seed and win the Conference. He learned that talk is cheap. He learned that far too many matches are won or lost in the last seconds. He learned that his momma will cry her eyes out after a heart stopping match on the side of the mat without caring who's around her. He learned that 2nd in the Region with a return trip to State is just as sweet as it was the first time.

Unfortunately, my family had to learn the heartache of choosing between two equally important events and I had just watched my last wrestling match in person. I would have to watch the State Tournament via live stream while on a trip with my daughter. I was devastated.

We took our only two Seniors back to state this year and what a duo they are. Those two have had each other's backs since day one. They have fought beside each other in karate at 5 years old. They have battled beside each other for 12 years of football. They have coached, cheered, encouraged, and cried beside each other for 6 years of wrestling. How very fitting that these two finished out the year, the season, and their careers with the same color medal. Silver doesn't shine as brightly as gold, but it ain't dull by no means. That duo, for the 2nd year in a row, placed higher than anyone else in the county. That duo is nothing short of amazing! And we learned that the parade of champions still makes you cry, even harder when one of your best friends is walking along side of you.


I'll be perfectly honest, going into Senior year, just the thoughts of Senior night made me anxious. I thought I would be a basket case. But I developed a love hate relationship with you this year, wrestling. Oh how I loved you, how I loved watching my son do what he loved to do. How I got just as nervous as he did, how I moved right along side of him trying to help him get out of sticky situations. How my heart pounded for however much time of those six minutes he needed, and how I was physically sick when it took longer than six minutes. But oh the pressure. The pressure was physically crushing this year like it has never been before. The pain I saw as his body took a beating. The disappointment I saw in him as he relived every single mistake. The anger when he thought things didn't go the way they should have. The fear of letting everyone down. The sorrow of realizing its over. The uncertainty of what comes next.

Now that his high school career is over, he's made a very adult decision. Even though he worked hard enough to accomplish his dream of continuing with you in college, he's decided that its time to go your separate ways. He has hung up his shoes. He has left everything he has on the mat for the very last time and can walk away with his head held high knowing it was a life changing experience.


So wrestling, I thank you. I thank you for helping turn my son into a man. I thank you for teaching us that some of the most important lessons in life don't come from the top of the podium. I thank you for the joy you have brought me and the tears you have cost me. You have shaped this whole family more than you will ever know. It's been an amazing ride and I wouldn't change the twists and turns for anything.


Sincerely,

A Grateful Wrestling Mom

Making A Difference...

***DISCLAIMER***
If you are ever reading anything that I or anyone else writes & you stop to say "Well, I would never react that way" or "I would never allow that to happen" or "My child would never do that", you need to immediately stop reading & return back to your perfect world, because over here, we are far from perfect! I write my heart. I always have, with very little censorship. I write, not to glorify our imperfections, or our insanity, but to bring light to the fact that NO ONE is perfect & we all struggle in our own ways. Some of us more than others. And some of us are a little more vocal about it. So if you want a little encouragement that your child isn't the only one making incredibly stupid decisions or that you aren't the only mom out there just barely making it day to day, please read on & feel free to drop a comment on the latest disaster going on in your life. No judgement here, I promise!
***

I was in town recently, getting ready to drive home. The windows were cracked, because it was the first day in a long time that it hasn't been freezing. As I'm getting ready to pull out onto the street, a friend of Austin's catches my attention as I hear her exclaim "There's Tracie!" & see her waving wildly. I laugh & wave back thinking "hmm, I can't believe she recognized me". See this girl has only met me a couple of times & here I was, in my car, hair pulled back, sunglasses on, yet still she knew it was me.

It made me smile because I thought, "well, maybe I am making a difference".

And immediately tears sprang to my eyes as a different thought about making a difference crossed my mind. The realization that I could have just saved someone's life or at the very least, made them reconsider some very bad decisions floored me.

.....

When my 16 year old came home recently with alcohol on his breathe & an illegal substance in his pocket (which upon further investigation may or may not have been his - regardless - guilty by association), I was devastated. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was worried. I was confused. I was hurt.

For the millionth time, I questioned every decision I've ever made as a mother.

And then I did something I never thought I would do, something I never thought I would have to do. I called the law on a teenage party.

I knew a friend of ours was working so I knew he would go check it out. Invoking fear into these kids, letting the parents know what was going on, without anyone getting into too much trouble, hopefully.

At first, I questioned the hasty decision, but as time passed, I realized that I did the right thing & I knew without a doubt that I would do it all over again. If I kept one of those kids from hurting themselves or someone else, if I somehow scared the daylights out of one of them & made them realize what a mistake they were making, it was all worth it!

So I'll just keep on being that mean mom & pray that I am making a difference...one angry teenager at a time!

Do You See What I See

We put up our Christmas tree yesterday. We always try to do it Thanksgiving weekend, but we just barely got that accomplished this time. The kids are getting older & schedules are getting busier. And its sad.

I am very picky about how the lights are placed, the more the better, so the kids don't even bother trying to help with that part. Well, Logan still does. Then its all theirs. It really doesn't matter to me how the ornaments are put up. Sure I'll move one here & there when a limb is weighted down, there's too much in one spot, or a big gaping hole that no one but me sees, but other than that, I'm good.

It's beautiful. It usually is. Not because we spent a lot of money on decorations or because a professional did it, but because its ours & it's decorated with love... at least I hope.

The pictures show smiles & a pretty tree. You see it. We all see it. At least the parts that we want you to see & the parts that can actually be photographed.

But do you see what I see?

I see my husband trying to cook supper at 8pm while I put the lights up because we haven't had any other time together as a family. I see them staying up past bedtime & hoping no one is grumpy in the morning. I see one child not feeling well. I see one child fussing at another for ringing the bells too loud. I see one child repeatedly throwing snowflakes at the tree. I see one child on their phone instead of enjoying this. 

I see the supper I'm trying to eat even though the tears make it hard to swallow. I see the past when we got along better. I see Christmas from my childhood & I see happiness. I see them all grown & no longer home to help decorate the tree. I see them looking back on their childhood with more heartache than fondness. I see disappointment, shame, regrets, & what ifs.

But then, as I'm putting Logan to bed, he smiles & tells me he had fun & I see love. Through more tears, I see love. And I see a weary momma trying desperately to hang on to the magic even though the world has made her jaded & her kids are growing up entirely too fast.

I'm glad you don't see what I see. Oh how I miss when times were simpler.

October 2, 2018

This day. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for THIS DAY.

This day probably doesn't mean anything to you, but it means so much to my family.

It means freedom. It means being able to breathe easier. It means returning to a somewhat normal life. It means its finally over.

It means 398 days since our world turned upside down & in that time I've grown to seriously dislike some numbers.

First & foremost August 29, 2017. I might just erase the day if I could.

Followed closely by October 2, 2017. I have faced many things in my life. I've been mad, upset, & scared over situations out of my control, but I've NEVER experienced fear the way I did on October 2, 2017. And there was NOTHING I could do about it.

Helpless. Hopeless. Betrayed. Scared. Angry. Confused.

• 365 - 365 days until this nightmare was officially over.

• 11 - an 11 month deadline

• 65 - 65 hours that seemed like a waste of time

• 5 - 5 months of mental evaluations

• 60 - every 60 days that someone questioned my parenting

• 30 - every 30 days of check ins

• 4 - 4 charges that all started with a moment of unclear thinking

• 3 - 3 days a week that my home was invaded

• 9 - 9 hours that felt like a prison sentence

• 1.5 - 1.5 hrs that seemed like a bigger waste of time

• 1 - 1 huge mistake

• 0 - 0 unexcused absences

• random - enough random testing to make you doubt your sanity

Unfortunately, the list goes on. I just can't put it into number form.


If you don't know me personally or if you didn't know us then, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about & that's ok. Just know that life is better now. I've learned real friends from fake. I've learned how to keep my circle small. I've learned that sometimes, all you have is the people in your home.

I've also developed a new appreciation for some numbers.

• 24 - 24 hours, Tomorrow is a new day & you get to start over again & again & again, & sometimes that's all you can do - start over & hope for better

• 5 - 5 means Grace, Grace form God, Grace for each other, & Grace from each other

• 5 - 5 also happens to be the number in my family, while its not perfect, its the one God gave me

and most importantly

• 2 - 2nd chances, and sometimes 3rds & 4ths & 5ths as well

But after a full year to reflect, I realize that I've learned to appreciate August 29, 2017 & October 2, 2017. Without them, my family wouldn't be who we are today. Without  them, my family could be a lot worse off than we are now. Without them, decisions to turn & walk away from bad situations might not have ever happened. Without them, maturity might have come at a higher cost. Without them, a darker, harsher future might have come about.

I believe that God allows things to happen in order to bring people to the place He wants them to be so He can use them.

My son has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but he's a better person from it.

My daughter has learned some hard lessons the hard way, but she's a better person.

My husband & I have learned some hard lessons the hard way, but I pray we are better because of it.

Just like the phoenix, out of the ashes. I've clung to that image for over a year now, knowing that it will be ok & that we will rise again.

It's Game Day Y'all

In towns all across America, people are gearing up for tonight. Months of hard work will finally be showcased tonight. Those hard working men (& some women) will finally be able to show off what they've learned, how they've grown, be seen under the lights, & have their names echo from the stands. And for a few moments, those ordinary, everyday youngins can feel like stars!

Those Friday Night Lights are legendary, especially in small towns in the south.

We are gearing up for our 11th football season. It takes over your time, your money, your car, your laundry. It takes away your voice, takes away your breath, & steals your heart.

As always, we start every season with hopes & dreams. Hope for a good season, hope for no injury, hope for success, & dreams of championships & glory.

This year is a little different for us, well for me anyway. I start this year with the same hopes & dreams, but mixed with anxiety, concern, & trepidation. (For the record, I'm not sure where the word trepidation came from. I'm not sure I've ever used it before, but as this post was flowing through my head, so was the word trepidation. So there you go.)

It was only a year ago that I watched, helplessly, as our family went through the biggest trial we've ever experienced. All because of a stupid decision during opening week of football.

I can't help but worry.

Even though I've seen my son grow. I've seen him change. I've seen him walk away from fights when I know his temper was boiling. I've seen him break up fights so others wouldn't get hurt or in trouble. I've seen him hit the altar at church with tears in his eyes. I've heard him call home from church camp absolutely broken about how good God has been. I've seen him make hard decisions that I know at the time he questioned. I've heard "I'm sorry for the hell I've put you through mom".

I've also heard the laughter return to his voice. I've heard joy & excitement when he talks about things. I've seen more friends coming back around. I've seen him opening back up. I've seen less worry & stress on his face. I've seen his eyes light up.

I can't help but worry.

After last season, he swore he wasn't playing again. My heart hurt. It hurt for him. It hurt for me. It hurt for missed opportunities & making memories. It hurt for regrets.

We have a brand new start this year. A brand new year, a brand new team, a brand new number (oh mercy kid, pick a number & stick with it), a brand new coach, a brand new set of plays, a brand new principle.

A brand new hope.

Don't mind me. I'll be the one praying fervently, screaming my head off, & ringing the cow bell for all I'm worth.

So here's to another football season & those Friday night lights.

I’m Thankful for Smoke Detectors at 2am

Have you ever be woken up in the middle of the night by your smoke detector? It’s kind of a weird feeling. You’re sleepy, you’re disoriented, you’re heart is pounding, you’re scared of the unknown.

That sound at that time is usually one of a parent’s worst nightmares. That might usually be the case, but it wasn’t mine. At least it wasn’t last night.

Last night, when my smoke detector woke me from a sound sleep at around 2am, I couldn’t help but smile a little.

I smiled because I smelled a familiar smell about 45 minutes earlier. And yes, that smell woke me up as well.

As I opened my bedroom door, through the smoky haze, I see one teenage boy asleep on the couch, oblivious to everything around him, I see one laughing hysterically on the floor, and I see my oldest son frantically fanning the smoke detector saying “sorry Mom”. It was 2am, they are teenagers, and they were hungry. They set the smoke detector off cooking a pizza (which reminds me... again... I really need to clean the oven).

So today, I’m thankful for friends, food, and working smoke detectors. But most of all I’m thankful that these boys were at my house texting girls & eating everything in the house instead of being out somewhere getting into trouble.

I would much rather be woken up from laughter & smoke detectors than from worry, fear, & dread. I pray that they always feel comfortable enough to walk through my doors without knocking & to help themselves to the junk food stash like its their own.

Lord, keep them safe, it’s a hard world out there.

Fear is a LIAR

I've never been a person to always look at the black cloud or to sit and worry about senseless, useless things that might never happen, ...
but then I had teenagers.

Having children is a pretty frightening ordeal in & of itself, but teenagers take it to a whole new level. They take the normal everyday fears that all parents worry about & they wad it up into a ball, bounce it off your head, set it on fire, & drop it off a cliff.

I'm talking FEAR people!

There's sex, drugs, social media, drinking, bad influences, driving, countless illegal stuff, & that just barely scratches the surface.

If you have teenagers, you better be praying constantly over them. If you are close to having teenagers, you better start praying now as well. If you've already had teenagers & everyone made it through without too many incidents, will you please pray for the rest of us?

I'm talking FEAR people!

My anxiety is at an all time high here lately. I'm trying so hard just to rest in the Lord & His mercies. Trying to rest is His promises.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This has got to be one of my favorite songs out right now. 

Have you heard it?

https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

I will survive, right?

I have thought so many times lately that I need to write, I want to write, but the words won't come. They're right there, floating around in my brain, but I can't put them in the order they need to be. And when I do get my thoughts together, I can't help but think, why bother. It feels like the same ole struggle and the same ole worries with the same ole outcome and quite frankly, that just sucks.

Why do so many of my heartaches involve my teenage son? Oh mercy, I feel so much older than I actually am. And why do so many of his issues involve girls?

I'm trying so hard not to meddle, really I am. But its hard when you sit there and watch your baby become so much less than you dreamed they would be. So much less than what they are capable of being.

He has been lying about everything. His grades have severely dropped. He argues with everyone around him. I can't help but believe its all about a girl.

Isn't it always...

Then he fights constantly with the girl & gets defensive if we say anything about it. 

I am so utterly clueless with this parenting thing.

I'll try my best not to constantly depress you with our struggles, but that's the stage of life we are in right now.

Tell me that we will survive this.

And THIS is Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

Some days I wonder how the world is still turning, how it is still functioning. How century after century, the population not only continues, but increases. How did any of us survive through adolescence without our parents strangling us? This teenage stuff is for the birds. Its rough, I tell you.

I swear my oldest son has single handedly provided me with enough drama & heartache to last a lifetime. And its scary when I realize we're only halfway through the teen years.

There's a song out right now that while I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, I can't help but think of him everytime I hear it.

 I'm never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

'Cause every time I open up, it hurts

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

It's HARD getting your heart broken over & over again by those that you love the most!

My devotional this morning in The Joseph Calling was about David learning that Saul had been killed. My first thought was, what does this have to do with Joseph? But as I read on I understood.

David had every right to be happy that Saul, the very one who had made his life miserable, was gone. But he didn't. He was sorrowful. He mourned. Makes you wonder WHY David was sad his enemy had finally been defeated once & for all...

"WHEN WE BEGIN TO SEE PEOPLE AS GOD DOES, WE'LL NO LONGER LOOK AT THEM AS ENEMIES, BUT AS SOULS IN NEED OF GRACE."

I wept! I couldn't have read on any farther if my life depended on it!

My teenage son may not be my enemy but some days it sure feels like it!

He needs my grace just as I need God's grace.

Hypocrite - Table for One

In an earth shattering moment, I realized I was acting just like my mother & I was going against the very advice I had just given someone else a few days before. (If you want to be with someone, be with them & don’t listen to the negative crowd)

Before I had kids, I didn’t know a lot about parenting, but I knew enough to know I didn’t want to repeat many of my mother’s actions. If you’ve been a reader for any amount of time, you know our relationship isn’t fabulous. It is much better than when I was a teenager however.

My precious preteen daughter has another little boy interested in her. Why do they insist on relationships now?! Ugh!

I wasn’t too excited. All I could think about was the drama of the past. You see, we’ve already been in a relationship with this family. My oldest son had an on again off again relationship with the oldest daughter all throughout middle school, until finally in high school, they discovered they were better off as friends. They are still best friends.

I tried my best to discourage this relationship (with my daughter), tried to explain that they were already really good friends so just leave it alone. Well, it happened anyway, at least for 4 days. Until we discussed it again & I was a little more opinionated. I couldn’t handle it. This is my baby here. My only daughter. She’s not enough supposed to be old enough to be interested in boys.

Then it hit me. I couldn’t get it out of my head, my heart, my memories. And the tears flowed freely from the pain of the past & from the uncertainty of the future.

I had pulled a classic Susie moment. I had made a decision based on my feelings alone.

I was instantly transported back to 12-13 years old when I was head over heels for this little boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Cute kid, good athlete, head over heels for me, but he was poor, he came from a bad home, & he wasn’t the smartest kid in class. My mom allowed us to be boyfriend & girlfriend for a little while, then put her foot down. I was DEVASTATED. It didn’t matter though, she didn’t care. And I didn’t stop seeing him. I snuck around, sat with him on the bus, held his hand at school, called him when she wasn’t home, even got to see him almost every day that summer because his best friend lived in my neighborhood (side note, I lost 25 pounds that summer because I was running through the woods with these roughneck boys).

Eventually the fondness dwindled & we stopped seeing each other, but the damage had been done. I felt my mom had crossed a line & I didn’t care if it was ever repaired. That certainly wasn’t the last time she forbid me from seeing a boy or from being friends with someone.

I DON’T WANT THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS!

I want them to talk to me about anything & everything. I want them to know I’m here for them, even when I don’t agree with them.

So I had another heart to heart with her, explained my heart, my mistakes, & my dilemma. She decided on her own this time, that they are better off as friends.

Lord help me to be a much better parent in the future!

Just Trying to Heal

I started this blog so many years ago as a way to heal from an incident that I allowed myself to get into. Over the years through writing, I've been an encouragement, a voice of truth, an easy laugh, or a reminder that there's someone else out there. There have been times that I wrote every single day, times I've wrote more than once a day, times I went months without writing a word, & times that I haven't published what I wrote.

I miss writing more than I ever thought I would. I've allowed myself to get so busy, so calloused, so overwhelmed that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I'm trying to find my way back.

I find myself in another situation now. This one is no fault of my own, except maybe for some foolish parenting mistakes along the way.

Like most parents, my children bring me great joy, but also like most parents, they cause more heartache than I've ever thought possible. Raising teenagers is no joke, that's for sure.

My kids are far from perfect, but they are good kids who don't think things through & who make mistakes. Just like yours.

My oldest is in trouble, again. We find ourselves there more often than I find comfortable. That doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that he's a bad influence, it just means that he's a normal teenage boy, who has a tendency to get caught simply because he has been in trouble before & he's being watched more closely.

He has a heart the size of Texas & a temper quick as lightening. He'll argue with a stop sign & fight for what he thinks is right. He's unapologetic in his beliefs.

All of those are admirable qualities as he matures, but they are frustrating now.

Some days I just want to scream, why can't you just sit still & not rock the boat. But, that's not in his nature.

He found himself involved in a freshman football hazing prank. That's honestly the best way I can describe it. This type of thing happens ALL. THE. TIME. in locker rooms all over the world, at the high school level, the college level, & even middle school as well. There's just something about boys acting stupid when they get in a group of their peers, especially unsupervised.

My child's involvement is very limited. He grabbed a friend of his & wrestled him to the ground. Then while my child is trying to get up, other things happened. As a result, my child got suspended from school, got kicked off the football team, faced court charges, counseling, & REPEATED HARASSMENT from children & adults alike.

I'M ANGRY.

I'm angry that there were others involved that didn't get in trouble. There were others involved who came up with the idea. There were others involved who videoed the ordeal. There were others involved who stood by. But for some reason they didn't get in ANY trouble.

I don't understand!

I'm angry that I have heard countless rumors & that people choose to believe them instead of finding out the truth. Welcome to America, where everyone is out for themselves & no one is compassionate.

I'm angry & I'm hurt that I have had people that I considered close friends blackball me for a mistake my child made. Here's an idea, whether you agree, disagree, or are impartial, offer a word of comfort. Tell me you are praying for us. Understand that CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES. Pray that your child is never in the same situation mine is in. Whatever, but do not judge us! ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

I'm angry that complete strangers think its appropriate to post comments, ask for details, & otherwise try to inflame the fire that's trying to be smothered out. I'm angry that mere acquaintances have the nerve to smart off to me when I simple ask how they are doing.

My husband told me the other day that I've been lost since all of this happened. Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I certainly don't know who I can talk to anymore. There have been a few hidden gems that have surfaced throughout all of this & for them, I am thankful. But to say I don't trust people is an understatement. To say I don't want to be around people is another understatement.

I'm trying really hard to hold onto my faith & believe that God has a plan & a purpose, but its almost impossible right now. You can't see the mountaintop from the bottom of the valley.

I'm just broken & I'm just trying to heal.

I Should NOT Be Having This Conversation With My Teenager

Did you know that suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds? Or that girls are twice as likely to think about or attempt suicide? Yeah, me neither!

Its also proven that many of the normal issues that teenagers deal with cause suicidal thoughts, but when you factor in a crappy start to life, a feeling of aloneness, abusive environments, crumbling families, bullying, and all kinds of other junk that has become the norm in our society, these thoughts increase greatly!

As a parent, you always think, my child is so full of life, I'll never have to worry about them not wanting to live. You think, my child has so many friends & people that love them, they'll never consider their life is worthless. You think, I know my child, I'll see the signs.

As a parent, WE ARE CLUELESS!

I have had the suicide talk with my teenager far more times than any parent should have to, but it got real yesterday.

I had an unspeakable fear settle deep within my soul when I realized that a rope my youngest had been playing with was missing, my gun safe was unlocked (even though the kids don't know the combination), & my teenager was off in the woods. I had flashes of panic as my teenager became hysterical when he found out his girlfriend was in the hospital & being committed because she tried to kill herself.

And I had to make the very hard, very conflicted decision as a parent, to put an end to this very unhealthy relationship.

This darling girl has become our family in the past 6 months. She has spent holidays with us. She has enjoyed family traditions with us. She has charmed all of us.

But she is unhealthy.

And although we all love her, I have to look out for my own kids health & well being before I can worry about anyone else.


She has to heal herself before she can be any good for anyone else.

If you are reading this, PLEASE pray not only for her, for my son, but for all our youngins. They are fighting Hell by the acre & most of the time we don't even know it.

I Hate Bedtime

Have I stated before how much I detest bedtime?

Oh no, I enjoy going to bed, but I've never liked bedtime.

These parents that talk lovingly about their wonderful bedtime routine with their children have got to be heavily medicated. Oh sure, that newborn that you give a bath, massage for 10 minutes, then snuggle until they fall into a blissful slumber sure sounds grand. But where's the reality with that?

I detest bedtime because it's a constant struggle.
 

I go back and forth between the kids, finding an acceptable book to read, taking one a drink of water (even though they were just up & didn't think to get a drink of water...just like every other night for the past XXX days), running one out of the bathroom (not because they are actually using the bathroom, but because obviously they've not had enough time to stare in the mirror today), reminding one to put their dirty clothes in the hamper & put their shoes up (again), running one off of the cell phone because they "forgot" to turn the volume off (when they are really sending a last minute text because they had to get off the phone at least 30 minutes ago), ushering one back to bed again & again & again (and being called into the bedroom to answer question after question & to give a detailed itinerary of tomorrow's schedule), saying no to repeated cries of wanting a snack because they are starving.

And then, I breathe deeply & feel overwhelming guilt & sadness because there are so many that would love to have children to tuck in one last time, that would love for their kids to be healthy enough to keep getting out of bed, that would love to just have a bed or a child or anything of their own. And I pray for help to be a better mom, to not lose my temper so easily, to not take things for granted, for everyone to have a good night's sleep with sweet dreams, and for far more grace than I deserve so we can start all over again tomorrow.

Can I Love You Through It

I know that everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason. Some to help you, some so you help them, some to help each other. No matter what, there's a reason.

There's a new person in our life right now & my heart breaks for her. Part of me wants to pull her in, love on her, and attempt to solve all her problems. Part of me is scared to allow her too close because I know the hurt & baggage she is carrying. I'm scared that her past will bring more damage to my family than my family can bring happiness & healing to her.

Austin is positively head over heels in love (well, as in love as you can truly be as a teenager) with this sweet little girl who has a horrible past. Dead beat, drug addict parents, in and out of foster care, horrors that no woman, let alone young girl, should have to endure, numerous adoptions that have fallen through.

She's had a rough start in life. And my son, who has a heart of gold, treats her like a princess. He doesn't look at her past, but tries to love her through it. He doesn't look at the fact that she lives in a children's home, but wants her to experience family the way it should be.

And to be perfectly honest, she's worked her way into all of our hearts.

I don't understand how God allows these things to go on day after day. I don't understand why children suffer while adults stand by not caring. I don't understand the heartache, the pain, the abandonment.

I know it happens all the time, but this is the first time its ever been this real to us.

I understand that we never know God's plan, but I'm really confused on this one.

I'm trying to provide a somewhat normal, loving environment, but am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Is this really a good thing? Or are we going to be burned beyond repair when its all over?

Double Standards at their Finest

2 months into Freshman year high school & Austin is suspended.

Long story short, another guy had been bullying him, harassing him, making sexual remarks towards his girlfriend, etc. Guy made one comment too many & Austin decked him. One punch & done. Walked away to calm down.

The actual deputy on duty that found out about it wanted everything to blow over. He wanted the football coach to serve out all the punishment. He didn't want to get the SRO involved.

Yes, well...

SRO got involved, suspended Austin for 10 days OSS (I had to plead his case & reveal the WHOLE story just to get it reduced to 5 days), pressed charges, & got him kicked off the JV football team. This has also ultimately led to Austin being an A-B student to barely having a C in a few classes just because he's still trying to catch up.

2 months into what's supposed to be some of the best years & we feel like our world is caving in.

The best part of this story...the other guy didn't get jack! So much for a "bully free" zone. So much for a zero tolerance.

 Moral of the story kiddos, run your mouth all you want to, be a coward & blend in, because you won't get in trouble. But take a stand for yourself, take a stand for someone else, and there are bound to be repercussions.

Happy Birthday Logan

4 years ago today, God completed our family.

I thought after Makenzie was born, we were done. Then after we lost a baby through an ectopic pregnancy, I knew we were done.

God knew differently. He knew that our family needed this little bundle of energy that tries my patience & leaves a trail of destruction an F5 tornado would be envious of. He knew I needed this little elf in my life to bring me flowers & give ugga muggas (Daniel Tiger fan here) & sleep with every stuffed animal invented by man.

He knew I needed another reason to smile.