I Can't Breathe

 I knew it was a mistake before I even made the decision to go.

I knew I was already having a bad day.

I knew going would make it even worse.

But it was calling for snow and I was almost out of laundry detergent.

Seriously, I needed to go to Walmart for laundry detergent, on a day they were calling for snow, and on a weekend, to make things worse.

I hate Walmart. I always have, but I never hated it quite the way I have grown to hate it in the past few months. I LOATHE going, but my family insists on running out of things left and right and the all too frequent trips are unavoidable.

The minute I walked into the store, I felt the walls closing in on me. Everyone in town was there it felt like. I didn't even make it past the produce section when my accelerated breathing and rapid heartbeat forced me to stop in my tracks and close my eyes. 

I could not breathe. I wanted so bad to jerk that mask off just so I could take a deeper breath, but I knew that was a bad idea.

The panic attacks are getting worse. They are becoming more frequent and I don't know how to fix it.

I hate feeling like this!

I hate worrying all the time.

I can't sleep well. I have to make myself do the smallest task. I'm eating everything in sight. I'm freezing all the time.

Home is my safe place.

My stress is through the roof and I cry at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, the best way I can describe it. I feel like I am in a horror movie. You know, everyone understands this. 

I am in a horror movie, running away from whatever is chasing me. I keep running, looking over my shoulder. The anxiety keeps building and I keep waiting for whatever it is to catch me. I know, deep down, it will eventually catch me. And when it does catch me, it will kill me.

I just keep running and looking and waiting.