I've missed writing. I've had other people tell me they have missed my writing.
Right now, I really don't care if anyone reads any of these or not (there will be several for awhile). These next few posts are strictly for my attempts at healing my own heart & soul. But hey, that's why I started writing in the first place. It had nothing to do with a certain number of views, how many comments, or pats on the back. I just needed to express myself or I would explode. I'm there again. No one to talk to but this stupid computer.
My heart just hasn't been in it. I have been empty. I can't explain it any other way. EMPTY. NOTHING. No encouragement, no soothing words, no nothing. It's hard to encourage others when you barely have the energy to make it through the day yourself.
I'm starting to think I am going crazy. But in reality its probably depression. No, I'm not going to the doctor. At least not yet.
I can't even begin to explain what I've felt over the last year. It's all jumbled up inside me anyway, I can barely understand it myself. I just know that life is hard & it seems to be getting harder.
2016 as a whole has been a pretty crappy year. With a few exceptions in the summer where we experienced out of this world revivals & saw hundreds of people (including my two oldest children) saved, the rest of the year has been not much more than a black cloud.
And I guess that's it. When you are so high up, it doesn't take much to crash & burn.
We've experienced more things go wrong, more things break, more things cost lots of money than we have in a long time. (think major appliances break & rebreak, think not just one, but all 3 of our vehicles needing extensive repair) In addition to that, we've experienced far too many weeks with very little income coming in. That's one of my downfalls. I worry too much about money. Not that I've ever had much, but we've always just "gotten by". I am so tried of getting by. Getting by sucks.
My husband is finally realizing his dream. He is just a few short months away from becoming a paramedic. I'm so proud of him.
But behind the scenes, no one sees just how hard it has been.
He works 4 (yes, 4!! - plumbing with his dad, fire extinguishers with his mom. athletic trainer for football & wrestling at the high school, & EMS) jobs. He also goes to school 2 nights a week & every other Saturday. And tries to preach when he can.
(Which by the way, several people look down on him because they don't think EMS allows him to put God first. To those people, whatever, worry about your own life & then you won't have time to worry about ours.)
I hate to complain because I KNOW he is exhausted, but so am I. This has left me solely taking care of our kids. Do you have any idea how busy my kids are??!! I've always said that I knew I could do it on my own, well I've proven it & I don't want to do it on my own anymore. I am bone shattering weary. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, & honestly, spiritually as well.
I'm just tired. There are no other words.