Conspiracy? Who Even Knows Anymore?

It's no secret. I love a good conspiracy theory. Sometimes, they are very far fetched, but sometimes, probably more often than we realize, there is a little bit of truth behind the insanity.

I have lots of thoughts about recent events. The majority of them may be unpopular, or they may be the popular opinion by now, who knows. I can't keep up. Either way, my thoughts haven't changed much from day one. 

These are my thoughts and I am entitled to them, just as you are, so do not come after me just because you may have a different opinion. Remember what they say about opinions...

So, I had to pick up the youngest child from school recently. He had a fever of 100.7, a headache, cough, congested, sore throat, etc. You see where this is going right? Because I did, from a mile a way. 

The school nurse said that he needed a negative COVID test or a note from the Dr stating a different diagnosis and why he did not need a test. No problem. This is the world we live in. 

I made his appointment and told them that he was sent home with classic COVID symptoms. They sounded surprised but asked us to call when we got there and they would come out the side entrance to get us.

When my husband took him, they immediately said that he did not need a COVID test. There are several viruses going around and they felt sure that he had one of those.

.....???

Just 6 months ago, if someone would have had any one of those symptoms, the medical professionals (and everyone else) would have screamed from the rooftops that a test was necessary and you would have had to quarantine until you could prove that you didn't have that dreaded disease. But now, he literally has almost every single symptom and they just know it in their gut that it is not COVID.

.....???

Oh and guess what, there were three cases of the flu reported at my kid's pediatrician's office last week. 

.....???

Y'all, it's May. It's not even "flu season". But there were very few flu cases reported in the height of flu season this past year at a pediatrician's office!

.....???

You can think what you want to think & I will think what I want to think. But the "numbers" just don't make sense anymore!

Just how much longer are we going to continue to be mindless sheep?

Mother's Day

 There's something about Mother's Day that feels me with melancholy. I can't help it. Through all of the attempted celebrations and well wishes, I can't help but feel a little sad. 

I read posts from several of my friends who had praying, God fearing mommas who always encouraged them to follow God's will in their lives and who always showed them God's love. I hear people talk about the fact that they wouldn't be who they are today without their moms. I know several who would give anything to have their moms for just a little longer.

And I feel guilty, sad, and often times, alone.

Yes, I still have my mom. But she didn't spend countless hours on her knees praying for me. She hasn't walked right by my side, giving me advice, throughout every stage of my life. She hasn't made it a priority to attend things that were special to me or my kids. In fact, she has probably missed more than she has attended.

But I am who I am today thanks to lessons I have learned along the way from her. Unfortunately, most of them are lessons on how I don't want to do things.

Then I see teenagers making posts on their stories about how much they love their mom, and how they have the best mom in the world.

And I hope that they mean it deep down in their hearts. I hope that they aren't just posting because they feel like they are supposed to. I hope that they can see through all of the flaws, all of the failures, all of the times we have said no, & realize that us mommas are trying!

I pray that as they get older, my children can look back & say that even though I didn't give them everything they wanted, I made sure that they had everything they needed. I want them to look back & see that I only wanted the best for them. I hope they know that I prayed for them, not nearly as much as I should have, but I prayed and cried out to God on their behalf. 

I hope that one day, my daughter wants to be a little like me, but a much better version. I hope that my sons want their future wives to have a few of the same qualities that I have, but I want them to improve on those qualities. 

I hope that one day, when my kids are grown, they reflect more on the positive memories than on the negative ones. I hope that when they are grown, my kids don't need therapy.

I'm trying to follow my own advice. I'm looking for the positives. Sometimes, the negatives weigh more and are much heavier to lift in order to find the positives.

Keep Moving Forward

 I would be a fool to think that I was the only one who thought this past year was hard. 

IT. WAS. HARD.

It was hard on everyone. This past year tested & tried everything we thought we knew about ourselves & about life. And I'll be honest with you. I'm not really happy with what I saw in myself.

I lost so much of myself. I let fear consume me. Not necessarily fear of the virus, but fear on the unknown. Fear of taking me out of my comfort zone. Fear of the way the world was becoming.

I became someone I wasn't happy with. I said things. I acted in ways. I lost my joy. I let anxiety control me. I lost myself. I let myself go.

I'm trying, really I am. My prayers no longer consist only of me telling God that I'm trying, even though sometimes they still do. They no longer only consist of me sighing as I tell God how tired I am, even though sometimes they still do. 

I still have more questions than answers, just like I did over a year ago, but I know that God has a plan. I also know that part of His plan is me writing again. So here I am, humbly before you, baring my soul. I don't know how often I will continue to post here because I feel Him leading me more towards my Instagram page. So if want to join me, I would love to have you on my crazy journey through life!

I Can't Breathe

 I knew it was a mistake before I even made the decision to go.

I knew I was already having a bad day.

I knew going would make it even worse.

But it was calling for snow and I was almost out of laundry detergent.

Seriously, I needed to go to Walmart for laundry detergent, on a day they were calling for snow, and on a weekend, to make things worse.

I hate Walmart. I always have, but I never hated it quite the way I have grown to hate it in the past few months. I LOATHE going, but my family insists on running out of things left and right and the all too frequent trips are unavoidable.

The minute I walked into the store, I felt the walls closing in on me. Everyone in town was there it felt like. I didn't even make it past the produce section when my accelerated breathing and rapid heartbeat forced me to stop in my tracks and close my eyes. 

I could not breathe. I wanted so bad to jerk that mask off just so I could take a deeper breath, but I knew that was a bad idea.

The panic attacks are getting worse. They are becoming more frequent and I don't know how to fix it.

I hate feeling like this!

I hate worrying all the time.

I can't sleep well. I have to make myself do the smallest task. I'm eating everything in sight. I'm freezing all the time.

Home is my safe place.

My stress is through the roof and I cry at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, the best way I can describe it. I feel like I am in a horror movie. You know, everyone understands this. 

I am in a horror movie, running away from whatever is chasing me. I keep running, looking over my shoulder. The anxiety keeps building and I keep waiting for whatever it is to catch me. I know, deep down, it will eventually catch me. And when it does catch me, it will kill me.

I just keep running and looking and waiting.

CUT

 We've said it over & over for months now. 

I can't wait for 2020 to be over.

2021 has got to be better, right?

Less than two weeks into the new year & nothing is better. 

But things have changed, haven't they?

The numbers are still being thrown at us left and right.

The warnings, the social distancing, the masks, the restrictions.

The FEAR is still being drilled into our heads until many of us are losing sleep and many of us are no longer the same people that we used to be.

The virus is still looming large.

But on top of that, our country is going completely crazy.

We have watched for months now as crazy people rioted, looted, destroyed, fought, and burned things to get attention. We've watched as one side battled against another side to get their point across. We've watched as our nation has become even more divided on just about every issue you can think of. 

Now just last week, we watched as the Capitol was infiltrated.

I feel like I am in the middle of a really bad movie.

I'm done with it, can we stop filming yet.

Where is the director? I need someone to click the little scene marker & yell CUT.

I'm trying really hard though! 

I know that God has a purpose and a plan. 

I know that everything happens in His time & in His will, but it's really hard to sit back & trust that plan right now.

The Bible tells us that times will get worse before Jesus returns to earth.

I'm not sure how much worse it will be & I'm not sure exactly what we will have to endure.

I don't care how secure you are with your salvation, that's a hard concept to swallow.

Are We Prepared for the Mental Fallout

 We are doing everything we can to follow guidelines and protocols.

Class sizes are minuscule, masks hide faces so you are not sure if they are smiling anymore or not, the smell of cleaning chemicals weighs heavy in the air.

We have limited breaks, roaming the halls with your friends, & sitting where you want at lunch. We have put massive restrictions on sporting events, not held pep rallys, and cancelled dances.

Our schools are probably one of the safest places to be right now because we are all trying so hard to keep everything clean and continue to keep our kids safe.

But school is supposed to be safe, right?

We are being told to avoid family, church, the grocery store, and pretty much anywhere else and everything in between.

But church is supposed to be safe, right?

With family is supposed to be one of the places we feel safest, right?

While everyone is so concerned about our physical health, what are we sacrificing for it?

Have all of these experts thought about how much we need to be around other people? How much we need to feel accepted? How much we need to be involved in social activities?

Of course I am concerned about the physical health and well being of those around me, I'm not heartless. But from where I stand & from the view that I have daily, I am far more concerned with our mental health right now.

Depression has increased, loss of sleep has increased, anxiety has increased.

Adults are struggling, young people are struggling, kids are struggling.

My precious teenage daughter is just one example of how this virus is messing with our children in more than just the ways we believe it is.

She has always been a social butterfly. She loves to be out doing things and around people. She has never let harmful words or actions from other people stick with her for long.

Since the end of March, I have noticed a difference in her.

Her smile isn't quite as bright as it used to be. Her laugh doesn't ring out quite as easily as it used to.

Her resilience and confidence is no where near what it used to be.

She's been having dizzy spells and anxiety. We honestly thought her iron levels were just low until we really started paying attention.

She was having panic attacks. They are not full blown like what you would classify as a normal attack, but if you know her, you can definitely tell that something is off.

I didn't comprehend just how bad it had gotten until she broke down in tears a few weeks ago when we shared what we were thankful for in our Thanksgiving church service. 

Here is the girl who has cheered in front of hundreds of people since she was 5 years old, the girl who has always sang solos at church and at school, the girl who ran around countless people in DC cutting up pretending to be a spy. All of a sudden, the thought of speaking out loud with less than 20 people listening has spiraled her into a sobbing mess.

What happened?!?!

This virus happened!

Just recently, she came to me & asked if she could stay with me a little while. It's nothing unusual for her to come see me at school, she does it all the time. But this time was different. I could tell by the look in her eyes & the hitch in her voice. 

Something set her off and she didn't recover the rest of the day from it. She actually spent 20 minutes in the bathroom floor and no one knew about it!

It breaks my heart to see her this way. She's always been so sure of herself. Now it feels like she's fighting to be normal.

My heart aches for normal! 

The experts & medical professionals are spitting out numbers and statistics about the virus daily almost, but have they looked deeper than the numbers? Have they looked at anything other than our physical health?

This virus is causing so many more problems than what we see on the surface!

Class of Covid-19

Early summer 2020, the actual date unknown.

The idea, flashing neon lights in the back of my mind, growing larger & brighter every single year.

The first few days of Kindergarten in the fall of 2007, you stood beside a sign that read Class of 2020 & it seemed as though we had a lifetime to go.

Hours of struggling over homework, days spent on a field or in a gym, tears shed over a girl or an argument with a friend, voices raised in disagreements, rules broken, nights spent worrying, dollar after dollar after dollar spent on needs and wants, memories made, traditions passed on, clothes outgrown, toys forgotten, hearts broken, mistakes made, medals earned, patches collected, friends made, friends lost, trucks driven and wrecked, futures decided, futures changed, lessons learned.

I blinked.

The closer we got to that finish line, the realer it got.

I blinked.

How did we get here so fast?

I blinked.

I had it all pictured in my mind. Your senior year. Celebrating wins and learning from losses. Smiling through the tears on senior night. Taking pictures on prom. Crying my eyes out as you walk across the stage. One last vacation before the reality of life makes you grow up.

Sometimes things don't happen the way we think they should.

I'm thankful for your school years. I'm thankful for the happy moments, the moments we thought couldn't possibly get worse, the moments that were captured on film, the moments that will be forever etched in our minds, the smiles, the tears, the joy, the pain, & everything in between.

I'm thankful for almost 7 months of a semi normal senior year.

Now, today, July 23, 2020, 4 months after life as we knew it changed, and 2 months after your original graduation date, I'm thankful for an ending for this journey we started 13 years ago.

I'm thankful that even though this is NOTHING like what I pictured or what anyone wanted, we have tried to make the best of it.

Class of 2020, you are destined to be world changers. You go down in history as the Covid-19 class. And while, yes, it sucks on so many levels, keep your heads up & know that every experience you go through makes you who are will become in the future.

Don't blink, your future is waiting!


I blinked. Through the tears, I blinked.