Keep Moving Forward

 I would be a fool to think that I was the only one who thought this past year was hard. 

IT. WAS. HARD.

It was hard on everyone. This past year tested & tried everything we thought we knew about ourselves & about life. And I'll be honest with you. I'm not really happy with what I saw in myself.

I lost so much of myself. I let fear consume me. Not necessarily fear of the virus, but fear on the unknown. Fear of taking me out of my comfort zone. Fear of the way the world was becoming.

I became someone I wasn't happy with. I said things. I acted in ways. I lost my joy. I let anxiety control me. I lost myself. I let myself go.

I'm trying, really I am. My prayers no longer consist only of me telling God that I'm trying, even though sometimes they still do. They no longer only consist of me sighing as I tell God how tired I am, even though sometimes they still do. 

I still have more questions than answers, just like I did over a year ago, but I know that God has a plan. I also know that part of His plan is me writing again. So here I am, humbly before you, baring my soul. I don't know how often I will continue to post here because I feel Him leading me more towards my Instagram page. So if want to join me, I would love to have you on my crazy journey through life!

I Can't Breathe

 I knew it was a mistake before I even made the decision to go.

I knew I was already having a bad day.

I knew going would make it even worse.

But it was calling for snow and I was almost out of laundry detergent.

Seriously, I needed to go to Walmart for laundry detergent, on a day they were calling for snow, and on a weekend, to make things worse.

I hate Walmart. I always have, but I never hated it quite the way I have grown to hate it in the past few months. I LOATHE going, but my family insists on running out of things left and right and the all too frequent trips are unavoidable.

The minute I walked into the store, I felt the walls closing in on me. Everyone in town was there it felt like. I didn't even make it past the produce section when my accelerated breathing and rapid heartbeat forced me to stop in my tracks and close my eyes. 

I could not breathe. I wanted so bad to jerk that mask off just so I could take a deeper breath, but I knew that was a bad idea.

The panic attacks are getting worse. They are becoming more frequent and I don't know how to fix it.

I hate feeling like this!

I hate worrying all the time.

I can't sleep well. I have to make myself do the smallest task. I'm eating everything in sight. I'm freezing all the time.

Home is my safe place.

My stress is through the roof and I cry at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, the best way I can describe it. I feel like I am in a horror movie. You know, everyone understands this. 

I am in a horror movie, running away from whatever is chasing me. I keep running, looking over my shoulder. The anxiety keeps building and I keep waiting for whatever it is to catch me. I know, deep down, it will eventually catch me. And when it does catch me, it will kill me.

I just keep running and looking and waiting.

CUT

 We've said it over & over for months now. 

I can't wait for 2020 to be over.

2021 has got to be better, right?

Less than two weeks into the new year & nothing is better. 

But things have changed, haven't they?

The numbers are still being thrown at us left and right.

The warnings, the social distancing, the masks, the restrictions.

The FEAR is still being drilled into our heads until many of us are losing sleep and many of us are no longer the same people that we used to be.

The virus is still looming large.

But on top of that, our country is going completely crazy.

We have watched for months now as crazy people rioted, looted, destroyed, fought, and burned things to get attention. We've watched as one side battled against another side to get their point across. We've watched as our nation has become even more divided on just about every issue you can think of. 

Now just last week, we watched as the Capitol was infiltrated.

I feel like I am in the middle of a really bad movie.

I'm done with it, can we stop filming yet.

Where is the director? I need someone to click the little scene marker & yell CUT.

I'm trying really hard though! 

I know that God has a purpose and a plan. 

I know that everything happens in His time & in His will, but it's really hard to sit back & trust that plan right now.

The Bible tells us that times will get worse before Jesus returns to earth.

I'm not sure how much worse it will be & I'm not sure exactly what we will have to endure.

I don't care how secure you are with your salvation, that's a hard concept to swallow.

Are We Prepared for the Mental Fallout

 We are doing everything we can to follow guidelines and protocols.

Class sizes are minuscule, masks hide faces so you are not sure if they are smiling anymore or not, the smell of cleaning chemicals weighs heavy in the air.

We have limited breaks, roaming the halls with your friends, & sitting where you want at lunch. We have put massive restrictions on sporting events, not held pep rallys, and cancelled dances.

Our schools are probably one of the safest places to be right now because we are all trying so hard to keep everything clean and continue to keep our kids safe.

But school is supposed to be safe, right?

We are being told to avoid family, church, the grocery store, and pretty much anywhere else and everything in between.

But church is supposed to be safe, right?

With family is supposed to be one of the places we feel safest, right?

While everyone is so concerned about our physical health, what are we sacrificing for it?

Have all of these experts thought about how much we need to be around other people? How much we need to feel accepted? How much we need to be involved in social activities?

Of course I am concerned about the physical health and well being of those around me, I'm not heartless. But from where I stand & from the view that I have daily, I am far more concerned with our mental health right now.

Depression has increased, loss of sleep has increased, anxiety has increased.

Adults are struggling, young people are struggling, kids are struggling.

My precious teenage daughter is just one example of how this virus is messing with our children in more than just the ways we believe it is.

She has always been a social butterfly. She loves to be out doing things and around people. She has never let harmful words or actions from other people stick with her for long.

Since the end of March, I have noticed a difference in her.

Her smile isn't quite as bright as it used to be. Her laugh doesn't ring out quite as easily as it used to.

Her resilience and confidence is no where near what it used to be.

She's been having dizzy spells and anxiety. We honestly thought her iron levels were just low until we really started paying attention.

She was having panic attacks. They are not full blown like what you would classify as a normal attack, but if you know her, you can definitely tell that something is off.

I didn't comprehend just how bad it had gotten until she broke down in tears a few weeks ago when we shared what we were thankful for in our Thanksgiving church service. 

Here is the girl who has cheered in front of hundreds of people since she was 5 years old, the girl who has always sang solos at church and at school, the girl who ran around countless people in DC cutting up pretending to be a spy. All of a sudden, the thought of speaking out loud with less than 20 people listening has spiraled her into a sobbing mess.

What happened?!?!

This virus happened!

Just recently, she came to me & asked if she could stay with me a little while. It's nothing unusual for her to come see me at school, she does it all the time. But this time was different. I could tell by the look in her eyes & the hitch in her voice. 

Something set her off and she didn't recover the rest of the day from it. She actually spent 20 minutes in the bathroom floor and no one knew about it!

It breaks my heart to see her this way. She's always been so sure of herself. Now it feels like she's fighting to be normal.

My heart aches for normal! 

The experts & medical professionals are spitting out numbers and statistics about the virus daily almost, but have they looked deeper than the numbers? Have they looked at anything other than our physical health?

This virus is causing so many more problems than what we see on the surface!

Class of Covid-19

Early summer 2020, the actual date unknown.

The idea, flashing neon lights in the back of my mind, growing larger & brighter every single year.

The first few days of Kindergarten in the fall of 2007, you stood beside a sign that read Class of 2020 & it seemed as though we had a lifetime to go.

Hours of struggling over homework, days spent on a field or in a gym, tears shed over a girl or an argument with a friend, voices raised in disagreements, rules broken, nights spent worrying, dollar after dollar after dollar spent on needs and wants, memories made, traditions passed on, clothes outgrown, toys forgotten, hearts broken, mistakes made, medals earned, patches collected, friends made, friends lost, trucks driven and wrecked, futures decided, futures changed, lessons learned.

I blinked.

The closer we got to that finish line, the realer it got.

I blinked.

How did we get here so fast?

I blinked.

I had it all pictured in my mind. Your senior year. Celebrating wins and learning from losses. Smiling through the tears on senior night. Taking pictures on prom. Crying my eyes out as you walk across the stage. One last vacation before the reality of life makes you grow up.

Sometimes things don't happen the way we think they should.

I'm thankful for your school years. I'm thankful for the happy moments, the moments we thought couldn't possibly get worse, the moments that were captured on film, the moments that will be forever etched in our minds, the smiles, the tears, the joy, the pain, & everything in between.

I'm thankful for almost 7 months of a semi normal senior year.

Now, today, July 23, 2020, 4 months after life as we knew it changed, and 2 months after your original graduation date, I'm thankful for an ending for this journey we started 13 years ago.

I'm thankful that even though this is NOTHING like what I pictured or what anyone wanted, we have tried to make the best of it.

Class of 2020, you are destined to be world changers. You go down in history as the Covid-19 class. And while, yes, it sucks on so many levels, keep your heads up & know that every experience you go through makes you who are will become in the future.

Don't blink, your future is waiting!


I blinked. Through the tears, I blinked.

 

Red Brown Yellow Black and White

Unless you have been living under a rock or a deserted island, you know all about how unstable our world is. It's heartbreaking, infuriating, & terrifying. 

Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world

Red, brown, yellow

Black and white

They are precious in His sight.

Jesus loves the little children

Of the world.

Anybody else grow up singing that song?

I think it's true what they say, what we decided our Senior year in high school, when we went in through the out door. Almost everything we needed to know in life, to really help us get along with others, we learned in Kindergarten.

Anyway...that's a thought for another day! 

My 18 year old son got pulled over the other night. It was after 11pm, he wasn't speeding, or honestly "doing" anything wrong. The police officer pulled him over because he has wild lights on his Jeep. They sometimes have an orange glow, making them look red.

Upon stopping, my son immediately threw both of his hands out the window in full view of the officer because he did have a handgun with him. Thankfully, it was locked & the clip was in a separate location. He told the officer as soon as he approached his car & they discussed it. Thankfully, he was let off with a warning for his lights, was educated about the proper way to carry a gun in a vehicle since he didn't have his concealed carry permit, and was allowed to come home just shortly before midnight.

My son is white.

The officer was white.

We live in a small community in the south, in the Bible belt.

We have good relationships with many emergency personnel.

Happy ending to a possibly scary story that is on repeat in our nation.

After my son told me about it, he also told me about a friend of his that recently had the same thing happen to him.

He went to jail.

He is black.

NOW BEFORE YOU GO JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS...

We only know part of the story. We don't know why this young man was pulled over. We don't know what he said to the officer or what the officer said to him. We don't know ANYTHING about the situation, where the gun was, or if there were any other laws in question.

I'm NOT (can I emphasize that anymore) racist!!! I don't buy into the BLM movement because I fully believe they are an organization that is only concerned with drama, hate, & their personal agenda. No where in that did I say that black lives don't matter! I have black friends, Hispanic friends, mixed friends, white friends, etc that I adore! I have children of all ethnicities at school that I love with everything that I am & will do anything that I possibly can to help them.

But honestly, that's the first place my mind took me. He's black.

That's very uncharacteristic of me. That just proves how much sway the media has over our lives & our minds.

Please STOP giving the media that much power over you!

In the meantime people, keep your hearts open to everyone & keep singing!

Why's It Got to be Like That

Did anybody else's momma teach them that if they didn't have anything nice to say, not to say
anything at all?

Mine sure did. I didn't always listen, but she sure told me. I

And I know I have taught that to my kids. Again, they don't always listen, but I tried.

So, question, have people quit teaching this? Have we quit believing it? Or do we just not care anymore?

I'm all for freedom of speech. Everyone has that right. Say what you want, but there isn't freedom from consequences When your freedom to speak your mind willfully & purposely hurts someone else, that freedom has crossed the line.

We all have different opinions on just about every single topic under the sun. Can we not discuss those topics without trying to make others feel ashamed because they believe differently? We should be able to because that's part of being an adult.

Most people try to avoid "hot topics" while in unsure audiences. But then some throw several word bombs right in the middle & just wait for the explosion. While that's all fine & good as long as every party is being respectful, someone usually starts slinging some mud when they realize they are losing whatever battle they tried to fight.

You love the president, you hate the president. You think he has the greatest ideas ever, you think he's dumb as a rock. Or, you're like most normal people & fall somewhere in between supporting him, but not liking some of his actions.

You go to church, you don't go to church. You tell everyone about your religion, you tell everyone that religion is a joke. You love everyone, you only like people that think & believe like you do.

You only breast feed your children, you have tried every formula invented.

You think public school is dangerous & satanic, you think that homeschoolers are weird & unsocialized.

You believe a woman's body is her own, you believe abortion is murder.

There are so many things that people have always argued about.

We get it, ok, everyone has an opinion & everyone is entitled to it!

Add now to that ever growing list, how you live during a global pandemic.

Seriously, we've heard everything from the Coronavirus is going to kill everyone, to it's just like the flu, to it's a made up conspiracy because it's an election year. We need to shut the country down & shelter in place, we need to open everything back up because the economy is crashing.

We need to stay 6 feet apart & have no more than 10 people in one place, who cares I'm going to have Covid parties so I can boost my immunity. We need to wear masks everywhere we go (including our car), the masks are more likely to harbor germs. We need to wear gloves & sanitize everything, these germs cannot live long on surfaces.

We need to continue to support our community, we don't need to leave our house unless its an emergency. Don't go to the hospital or doctor because it increases your risk of exposure, everyone needs to get tested so we can keep up with the numbers. Buy up all the toilet paper, don't panic buy.

You can't go to church because there are too many people in close quarters, have drive in services. Only have church online, if you're caught at church you will be arrested.

Continue making your children do their schooling online, don't worry about school anymore the grades won't count.

Y'all I feel like I am watching the biggest tennis match ever & my head is spinning. My heart hurts from the continual bickering. Why can't we all just get along?!

We don't have to agree, but can we not at least respect each other. Seriously! Stop being so judgmental & start accepting each other for who we are & what we believe, even when it doesn't line up exactly like you. Stop making others feel guilty for the choices they make regarding themselves & their families.

Nothing but love & positivity here folks! Make the world brighter by your presence, not gloomier!