I Tell My Story

I was talking to someone the other day about all kinds of things, new things, old things, God things. I looked at this person & said, you don't know my story, do you?

As I told my story, I felt sympathy, understanding, anger, confusion, & finally love from this person. I didn't tell my story for attention but because I felt this person needed a deeper look into me.

It dawned on me this morning why. I have no clue why this morning, because I certainly hadn't  been thinking about that time or that conversation.

I know that, yes, on the surface, I tell my story so you can get a better understanding of who I am. I have become very closed off in the past few years. It's hard for me to open up. It's hard for me to trust.

But then I understood that I tell my story because it's MY story. It tells who I was, where I have been, what God delivered me from, where I am now, & what I hope to be in the future.

I tell my story not to highlight my mistakes, but to show God's mercy & grace.

I tell my story in the hopes that others will realize there is MORE than the situation they are in right now.

I tell my story to give God the glory for picking me up when I didn't think I would ever see the light again.

I tell my story so that others can know it's not the end.

Even though I am ashamed of many things in my past, I am not ashamed of my story. My story isn't over yet. But I already know how it will end, it's just the chapters in between now & the end I'm not sure about.

So I tell my story......

I wrote this post early this morning, but then went to a youth rally tonight and the Trinity Baptist Church youth choir sang this song.

So I will continue to tell my story...

Yes, I Think That's Enough Now

I remember winter from my childhood. I remember it snowing all day & all night & all day again. I remember waiting gleefully to find out that school was canceled. Then I remember getting bundled up, spending all day playing with the neighborhood kids, sledding down hills, hiding under the pine trees in a winter castle, building snowmen big enough to sit on, & eating tomato soup with grilled cheese to warm up.

I loved winter when I was a child!

Over the past few years, I've really started paying attention to winter again. I noticed that the winters of my childhood don't seem to exist anymore. Most recent winters were somewhat mild. Oh some had a few days that were downright frigid, but for the most part, they were chilly at best.

Snow? It seemed to be the thing that dreams & memories were made of, at least here in western North Carolina. Sure, plenty of counties surrounding mine could relish in the white stuff. But it seemed there was a perpetual hole sitting right over top of us. Or better yet, a dome shielding us from any real winter weather.

There are a few winters that stand out in my head. The Blizzard of 93 when there was snow on my birthday (March 30). I had just broken my ankle a few weeks before in softball. I was too cool as a Freshman to wear jogging pants & refused to allow anyone to cut my jeans, so I hobbled around on crutches through the snow in shorts. February 1996, my senior year presented the most ice I can ever remember. We were out of school more or less the whole month, with usually only a day here & there that wold warm up enough to ensure safe travels. Valentine's weekend 2003 produced 2.5 feet of snow. The most I have EVER seen.....oh wait, we were in New Jersey on vacation then! I never would have imagined having to shovel my car out of the snow while on vacation.

Now the winter of 2014 will be added to that list.

We experienced multiple "polar vortexes" where the temperature plummeted to hover around 0* with wind chill factors being much colder! This is the first time I ever recall school being canceled, not just once, but several times due to the temperature alone.




Smowmageddon was aptly named when at least 16 inches (more in many places) fell in a short amount of time just before Valentines's weekend here in Western NC. My husband spent many countless hours scraping snow. I was stuck inside with my youngest child as he battled first the croup & then strep throat. My older two, who were so excited at first, eventually didn't even want to go outside because it was more trouble than it was worth.

Then just a few weeks later, as the weather channel predicts "just a dusting" with freezing rain to follow. BAM Snowmagaddon 2.0 (named just for the fun of it) produces 6+ inches. And again, this snow fell as my family was recovering from illness.

So, after this, I'm not really reminiscing winters of yesteryear.

This was my Facebook post this morning.....

Dear Mother Nature, 

I love snow. I love warm breezy days. I like blistering hot days in moderation. I even like the rain. Really I do. But I've just got to tell you that I don't appreciate your schizophrenic mentality. I'm not sure what Father Time did to make you so mad, but I do wish that the two of you would kiss & make up. The rest of us should not have to suffer.

Sincerely,
A Very Confused North Carolinian 

P.S. That 60+ weather you are cooking up for tomorrow & next week, feel free to allow that to hang around for a long time!

Bring on SPRING!

White As Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool"

We experienced the most snow here in eastern NC that we have seen in many years. As more and more and still more snow fell, everything else seemed to vanish. The grass, the bushes, trees, walkways, toys, & even some cars were hidden beneath the blanket of white. 

It gave the world a brighter, cleaner, purer appearance. You no longer saw the trash littering the sides of the road. You no longer saw the brown dying grass. You no longer saw mud puddles that you knew had been there just the other day.

It was truly beautiful to witness.

Now, just a few days later, that snow has started to melt. The roads are encased in grey slush. The walkways are more mud that dirt. The footsteps are growing bigger & bigger.

It's not quite so pretty anymore.

But, we know that the sloppy mess will dry out & give way to lush green grass, bright fragrant flowers, & warm sunny days. Then before long, the snows will come again, cleanse everything, & then we will have to dry out & start over yet again.

It made me realize that perhaps this is how Jesus sees us. He KNOWS there is a path underneath somewhere. He KNOWS that all of our dirt & trash is still there just right under the surface. He KNOWS that eventually our sins will become apparent once again.  BUT when He looks upon us, He doesn't see our past faults & failures. He doesn't see our sin. 

When Jesus looks at us, He sees a blanket of pure white. He sees us justified, purified, & clean.

He knows that we will sin again. But He also knows that the snow (His blood) is needed to cleanse us before we can start to grow & bloom into something beautiful again!

Who is Your Hero

I had the sad honor of attending a home going service yesterday. A friend of mine's father finally fought his last battle here on earth & crossed over into glory.

During the service, the preacher talked about being a hero.

The definition of a Hero:

a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

a person who is greatly admired

the chief character in a story


We all have heroes in our lives. When we are little, we probably look up to actual cartoon super heroes, firemen, & policemen; maybe even mom & dad too. As teenagers, our heroes often change with whatever movie or band is popular, probably our friends or a few teachers. As young adults, our heroes might include the movers & shakers of the world, those that are wealthy, famous, & successful.

As we continue to grow, our heroes change. More than likely, we no longer idolize cartoon superheroes, actors, singers, or the Bill Gates of the world. We might still look up to a few teachers, friends, & family members. Many of us certainly see fireman, policemen, & servicemen as modern day heroes.

But who else?

My daddy has always been one of my heroes. He is such a loving, easy going man, that its easy to forget that he has burdens of his own. I don't think the man had ever met a stranger. You can't go anywhere with him without running in to several people that he knows.

My maternal grandmother was also one of my heroes while she was alive. She always looked beautiful & took hours to make sure every hair was in place, but wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty or work up a sweat. She slaved away day in & day out at a job that few people wanted to do. And she never hesitated to tell you just what she thought, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

My husband is one of my heroes. He provides for our family. He loves us unconditionally. He stands strong in his faith. He spends countless hours continuing his education in firefighting & medical responding. He sacrifices sleep, food, family time, & previous commitments just to save a home or rescue a life.

My children are my heroes. They love first & ask questions later. They forgive & forgive & forgive. They look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. They see me for who I try to be, not who I fail to be.

I also have several Christian heroes that I have grown up watching. They are unwavering in their faith. Even when life throws them more than they can possibly stand, still they stand. They are the ones that make this life look effortless. The ones who make God & everyone else smile. The ones who you want to model your Christian walk after.

When you start to think about it, you have more heroes that you realized, all of them for many different reasons.

I hope as I continue through this life, that a few people can look at me as one of their heroes.

Be someone's hero - make a difference!

We Kept The Crib

Yesterday was a sad day in my world. Yesterday, my hubby finally convinced me to sell several items that have been taking up space in our storage building, things that I have been hanging on to "just in case", things that I just haven't been ready to get rid of yet. Yesterday, we sold Logan's baby gear. ALL of the baby gear - the play pen, jumper, swing, high chair, & stroller.

After Makenzie was born, we sold everything except the crib. I didn't plan on having any more babies. When we decided to try again & we lost the baby, I was really done. I was too scared. I never wanted to experience anything like that again. So when we were expecting Logan, we found ourselves needed everything again. Everything except the crib.

And even right after he was born, I knew I wanted one more. There are 3.5 years between Austin & Makenzie, then almost 6 years between Makenzie & Logan. I wanted another girl & I wanted the age span to be similar & I wanted a winter baby. (Austin is spring, Logan is summer, & Makenzie is fall - the baby we lost would have been born in winter)

There sure are an awful lot of "I"s in that last paragraph, huh. Well, here comes a few more.

I would still love another baby, but I am realizing that I am getting older. I am realizing that my kids are getting older. I am realizing that our house is getting smaller. I am realizing that my patience is getting thinner. I am realizing that God has prepared me for this moment. I am realizing that my family, even with all of our flaws, is just right.

So unless, God has another plan down the road, I am accepting the fact that I am done bearing babies.

Yes, yesterday was a sad day, but we kept the crib!

A New Focus

I've realized here lately that things just felt "off". You know the feeling. You can't pinpoint exactly what it is. You don't really know what is wrong. You're not really in a bad mood. But something, just doesn't feel right.

I have been there lately. There isn't a clear cut answer. At least, not on the surface. But once I started examining my life, I figured it out.

God has been convicting my heart lately. Somehow, somewhere, I have mixed up my priorities...again.

I have been concerning myself far too much with things that ultimately don't really matter in the long run. I have found myself mixed up with drama, strife, & worldly gain. I have neglected my spiritual growth, the desires of my heart, the encouraging of others, & the affections of those that mean the most to me.

Now, there wasn't anything wrong with the things I became focused on, but the problem lies in the fact that I was more focused on that instead of the things that I knew really mattered more.

As I find myself still evaluating the beginning of a brand new year, I realized that I want to pursue a journey towards a healthier me. Not just physically, but mentally, spiritually, & emotionally as well. I want to surround myself with uplifting words of encouragement. I want to pour motivation into me. I want to make better decisions for myself & my family. I want more moments where I let my hair down & laugh until I cry. I want to be "that girl" for my husband. I want to be the one my preteen son confides in, the one my daughter looks up to, & the one my toddler thinks hung the moon. I want to grow closer to God than I ever have before.

I also want to rid myself of excess drama. I don't want to associate with people who I have to struggle to remain positive around. I don't want to have to put on a show for anyone. I don't want to seek constant approval or fear repeated rejection. I don't want to go to bed at night thinking "What If" and I don't want to wake up in the morning thinking "Not Again".

But even more than that, I want to be that source of encouragement to someone who is down. I want to be the person that friend calls when they need advice. I want to be known for my faith, my loyalty, my honestly, & my love. I don't want to be the rain on someone's parade. I don't want to cause that awkward moment. I don't want to be the one making you doubt.

Now you may be reading over this list & only be ably to focus on the "I"s. But that's where I've messed up in the past. Everything has gotten out of focus. When I look back over the years, I do see a lot of "I"s, but as I gaze longingly into the future, the "I"s don't stand out nearly as much. Instead, the only way to accomplish any of this is to see a lot less me & a lot more God. He is the only one who can give me the desires of my heart & make me content with them. He is the only one able to take my mistakes from the past & turn them into a promising future. He is the only one able to make me into something more than me. He is the only one!

Where Did They Learn That

I have said for years that "children are a product of their environment".

If you see a child that misbehaves, more than likely they were allowed or even taught to act this way. If you see a child that is rude or disrespectful, they could be modeling what they have seen from others.

If you see a child that plays quietly and listens during church, more than likely this behavior was encouraged. If you see a child that is well mannered or gets along most of the time with their siblings, they have probably been treated with respect themselves.

I know that there is an exception to everything. I know that not all children who are considered "good" come from ideal environments. I know that not all children who mimic unfavorable behavior, had parents who didn't care.

For the most part though, we are who we are because of the circumstances that encircled us & molded us. Just like the saying "you are what you eat.", children become what they see.

This is an especially hard pill to swallow right now since I am raising a preteen boy who knows everything & wants to argue with the wall. This is especially hard when I see him lash out in anger & disrespect. This is especially hard when I see my 8 year old daughter purposely pick fights with her brother. This is especially hard when I see her leave her room in a state that could easily be classified as a disaster zone containing HazMat materials.

I keep looking at my children, wondering WHAT happened to cause these behaviors. It doesn't matter that the majority of all children go through these stages. It doesn't matter that we went through them growing up. It always looks & feels so much worse when it happens in your own backyard though.

Then I realize that although a lot of these behaviors are a natural part of growing up and a lot of them can be attributed to man's natural tendency to sin, that many of them can be traced back to me.

FAIL

Yes, children are the product of their environment. Even when that environment isn't ideal.

As I watch my children & try to correct their behavior, I pray that God help me change my sinful nature as well. I pray for mercy & grace as I try to remember to act with mercy & grace instead of justice. I pray that one day, my children grow up to be a better Christian example than I have provided for them.