To Know That I Know That I Know

I just love those spirit filled services. You know, the ones with singing, crying, testifying, & the Holy Spirit moving. I love to hear how the Lord is working in other people's lives. I love to tell people how God is working in my life. But, I usually claim up when it comes to my personal testimony.

I know that most people love to tell how God changed their life, how Jesus saved them. I know that a lot of people can take you back to a day, a time, a place where their life changed forever.

I can't do that & it bothers me!

I have a date that I cling to. I know that I was on the altar March 29, 1992 (the day before I turned 14). It was one of "those services". Fellman Cheek was especially long winded & it was pushing on towards 1pm.

But I also know that I made professions both before & after this time. The first was at a Bailey Smith Crusade on a Tuesday night when I was about 8. I can even see the shirt I was wearing! My mom made her way to the make shift altar the very next night.

Another significant date that stands out was the night before Halloween 1998. Justin & I went with some friends to visit The House of Judgement in Elkin & I just didn't know anymore.

Most of my life, I have questioned my salvation. Not too long ago, I called my pastor in tears. After a heart wrenching conversation, he told me that deep down, no matter the doubts, I knew the answer.

I have times where I "feel" alone. I "feel" confused. I don't read my Bible like I should. I don't pray like I should. I don't witness like I should. I don't "feel" like a very good Christian.

Then I have times where I "feel" joy. I "feel" peace. I enjoy reading my Bible. I look forward to church. I stay in a state of prayer. I "feel" like God is pleased with me.

There are times that I "feel" sad when others talking about knowing exactly when they gave their lives to Jesus. But then I realized that its ok that I don't know when. The devil wants me to doubt. He knows that when I doubt, I'm not feeling confident in my Christian life. And when I am not confident, then I don't work nearly as hard. He has me right where he wants me.

I have prayed for assurance. I have prayed for God to reveal the exact date for me so I wouldn't doubt anymore. Then God brought a thought by me. Paul talked about a thorn in his flesh. He begged God to remove it from him.

2 Corinthians 12:5 Of such an one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.

6 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Maybe, just maybe, this is my thorn. Maybe, just maybe, THIS is my testimony for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else on their journey through their doubts & mine.

I'm thankful that we aren't saved on "feelings". We are saved by faith through grace!

Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

Psalm 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

Stand strong weary Christian. Don't give the devil this victory. Take comfort in KNOWING that God's promises are true! If He promised to save us, He will! 

The Newest Gateway Drug??

I had to think twice & even three times before publishing this one tonight. I hate to air dirty laundry, but if someone else can learn from an experience then I think it should be shared.

I was literally sitting with tears in my eyes this afternoon praying & thinking about the latest stupid decision my 16 year old niece had made, wondering how I was going to address it, & feeling burdened for our young people when the phone rang.

It hasn't been a grand & glorious few days at our house, and "that moment when.....the vice principle called the house....." didn't make it any better.

It seems that my almost, in less than a week, 12 year old & some of his "friends" thought it would be a smart decision to snort the sugar from a Pixie Styx up their noses similar to cocaine. WHY????

My first reaction, of course, was anger, followed by disappointment, concern, & finally confusion. I had plenty of time for my emotions to run the gambit & to rant in my head before he got home.

He denied taking part in this activity but there's just something about his story that doesn't sit well with me. I HATE not being able to trust him, but he has not been the most honest person lately.

This may seem trivial, & on the surface it seems to be just a silly stunt, but after a little research, I found out that snorting Pixie Styx & smoking Smarties is more common place than we realized.

I can't help but wonder if kids are doing this & pretending its the real thing in order to appear cool, similar to candy cigarettes for my generation. But by pretending now, does that open up that gateway for real drugs later on. And how easy would it be for a "friend" to exchange that somewhat harmless sugar for something much more sinister.

I guess I will never really know if he actually did this, but it did provide yet another opportunity to discuss the importance of honesty, choosing good friends, & making sound decisions.

Talk to your kids. Find out what crazy ideas their peers are having. Let them know that even something that seems harmless can hurt them. Keep the communication open so they feel comfortable actually opening up when something does happen. Most importantly, pray for them!

Leaps & Bounds

I had a parent teacher conference with Makenzie's teacher the other day. I always go into those feeling both worry & relief. I want to know how she is doing, I NEED to know how she is doing, but at the same time, I'm usually scared to find out.

I have seen such an improvement in her lately. She has went from someone who would do almost anything to get out of reading to someone who reads every sign, box, & piece of information that she can. She is the one to remind me that she has homework if I forget. You can look at her & see the pieces starting to fit together!

She is finally getting it!

Realizing that I couldn't teach her to read was so hard for me to accept & admit. We tried. We really tried!

I understand now why some parents make different choices for their children. While homeschooling worked fine for Austin, & me for that matter. It wasn't what my daughter needed & it took me over 2 years to see that.

I believe now that homeschooling was more for me than for my children anyway. I learned to lean on God like I never had before. I learned that I don't always have all the answers. I learned that its ok for the budget not to work out on paper, because God doesn't budget like we do. I learned that some of the best lessons are lived, not taught.

And while some days, I miss my 2 oldest being home with me, I love seeing the excitement when they talk about their friends, when they tell me all about what happened during their day, & even when I have to wade through the drama that is middle school. I wouldn't change my how & why we came to the choices we made for anything. For without those exact choices at those exact times, things wouldn't be what they are now.

I'm thankful that God had another plan! And I'm thankful that I actually listened when I did.

Makenzie's teacher told me that I couldn't have put her back in at a more appropriate time. It seems that there are far more in the same boat as my daughter right now than not.

I want to share our GREAT NEWS - Makenzie has grown a WHOLE grade level in just 5 months!!!! I know we still have some ways to go, but I could n't be prouder of her success! She will get there!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your prayers!! PLEASE keep them coming!

I Tell My Story

I was talking to someone the other day about all kinds of things, new things, old things, God things. I looked at this person & said, you don't know my story, do you?

As I told my story, I felt sympathy, understanding, anger, confusion, & finally love from this person. I didn't tell my story for attention but because I felt this person needed a deeper look into me.

It dawned on me this morning why. I have no clue why this morning, because I certainly hadn't  been thinking about that time or that conversation.

I know that, yes, on the surface, I tell my story so you can get a better understanding of who I am. I have become very closed off in the past few years. It's hard for me to open up. It's hard for me to trust.

But then I understood that I tell my story because it's MY story. It tells who I was, where I have been, what God delivered me from, where I am now, & what I hope to be in the future.

I tell my story not to highlight my mistakes, but to show God's mercy & grace.

I tell my story in the hopes that others will realize there is MORE than the situation they are in right now.

I tell my story to give God the glory for picking me up when I didn't think I would ever see the light again.

I tell my story so that others can know it's not the end.

Even though I am ashamed of many things in my past, I am not ashamed of my story. My story isn't over yet. But I already know how it will end, it's just the chapters in between now & the end I'm not sure about.

So I tell my story......

I wrote this post early this morning, but then went to a youth rally tonight and the Trinity Baptist Church youth choir sang this song.

So I will continue to tell my story...

Yes, I Think That's Enough Now

I remember winter from my childhood. I remember it snowing all day & all night & all day again. I remember waiting gleefully to find out that school was canceled. Then I remember getting bundled up, spending all day playing with the neighborhood kids, sledding down hills, hiding under the pine trees in a winter castle, building snowmen big enough to sit on, & eating tomato soup with grilled cheese to warm up.

I loved winter when I was a child!

Over the past few years, I've really started paying attention to winter again. I noticed that the winters of my childhood don't seem to exist anymore. Most recent winters were somewhat mild. Oh some had a few days that were downright frigid, but for the most part, they were chilly at best.

Snow? It seemed to be the thing that dreams & memories were made of, at least here in western North Carolina. Sure, plenty of counties surrounding mine could relish in the white stuff. But it seemed there was a perpetual hole sitting right over top of us. Or better yet, a dome shielding us from any real winter weather.

There are a few winters that stand out in my head. The Blizzard of 93 when there was snow on my birthday (March 30). I had just broken my ankle a few weeks before in softball. I was too cool as a Freshman to wear jogging pants & refused to allow anyone to cut my jeans, so I hobbled around on crutches through the snow in shorts. February 1996, my senior year presented the most ice I can ever remember. We were out of school more or less the whole month, with usually only a day here & there that wold warm up enough to ensure safe travels. Valentine's weekend 2003 produced 2.5 feet of snow. The most I have EVER seen.....oh wait, we were in New Jersey on vacation then! I never would have imagined having to shovel my car out of the snow while on vacation.

Now the winter of 2014 will be added to that list.

We experienced multiple "polar vortexes" where the temperature plummeted to hover around 0* with wind chill factors being much colder! This is the first time I ever recall school being canceled, not just once, but several times due to the temperature alone.




Smowmageddon was aptly named when at least 16 inches (more in many places) fell in a short amount of time just before Valentines's weekend here in Western NC. My husband spent many countless hours scraping snow. I was stuck inside with my youngest child as he battled first the croup & then strep throat. My older two, who were so excited at first, eventually didn't even want to go outside because it was more trouble than it was worth.

Then just a few weeks later, as the weather channel predicts "just a dusting" with freezing rain to follow. BAM Snowmagaddon 2.0 (named just for the fun of it) produces 6+ inches. And again, this snow fell as my family was recovering from illness.

So, after this, I'm not really reminiscing winters of yesteryear.

This was my Facebook post this morning.....

Dear Mother Nature, 

I love snow. I love warm breezy days. I like blistering hot days in moderation. I even like the rain. Really I do. But I've just got to tell you that I don't appreciate your schizophrenic mentality. I'm not sure what Father Time did to make you so mad, but I do wish that the two of you would kiss & make up. The rest of us should not have to suffer.

Sincerely,
A Very Confused North Carolinian 

P.S. That 60+ weather you are cooking up for tomorrow & next week, feel free to allow that to hang around for a long time!

Bring on SPRING!

White As Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool"

We experienced the most snow here in eastern NC that we have seen in many years. As more and more and still more snow fell, everything else seemed to vanish. The grass, the bushes, trees, walkways, toys, & even some cars were hidden beneath the blanket of white. 

It gave the world a brighter, cleaner, purer appearance. You no longer saw the trash littering the sides of the road. You no longer saw the brown dying grass. You no longer saw mud puddles that you knew had been there just the other day.

It was truly beautiful to witness.

Now, just a few days later, that snow has started to melt. The roads are encased in grey slush. The walkways are more mud that dirt. The footsteps are growing bigger & bigger.

It's not quite so pretty anymore.

But, we know that the sloppy mess will dry out & give way to lush green grass, bright fragrant flowers, & warm sunny days. Then before long, the snows will come again, cleanse everything, & then we will have to dry out & start over yet again.

It made me realize that perhaps this is how Jesus sees us. He KNOWS there is a path underneath somewhere. He KNOWS that all of our dirt & trash is still there just right under the surface. He KNOWS that eventually our sins will become apparent once again.  BUT when He looks upon us, He doesn't see our past faults & failures. He doesn't see our sin. 

When Jesus looks at us, He sees a blanket of pure white. He sees us justified, purified, & clean.

He knows that we will sin again. But He also knows that the snow (His blood) is needed to cleanse us before we can start to grow & bloom into something beautiful again!

Who is Your Hero

I had the sad honor of attending a home going service yesterday. A friend of mine's father finally fought his last battle here on earth & crossed over into glory.

During the service, the preacher talked about being a hero.

The definition of a Hero:

a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

a person who is greatly admired

the chief character in a story


We all have heroes in our lives. When we are little, we probably look up to actual cartoon super heroes, firemen, & policemen; maybe even mom & dad too. As teenagers, our heroes often change with whatever movie or band is popular, probably our friends or a few teachers. As young adults, our heroes might include the movers & shakers of the world, those that are wealthy, famous, & successful.

As we continue to grow, our heroes change. More than likely, we no longer idolize cartoon superheroes, actors, singers, or the Bill Gates of the world. We might still look up to a few teachers, friends, & family members. Many of us certainly see fireman, policemen, & servicemen as modern day heroes.

But who else?

My daddy has always been one of my heroes. He is such a loving, easy going man, that its easy to forget that he has burdens of his own. I don't think the man had ever met a stranger. You can't go anywhere with him without running in to several people that he knows.

My maternal grandmother was also one of my heroes while she was alive. She always looked beautiful & took hours to make sure every hair was in place, but wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty or work up a sweat. She slaved away day in & day out at a job that few people wanted to do. And she never hesitated to tell you just what she thought, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

My husband is one of my heroes. He provides for our family. He loves us unconditionally. He stands strong in his faith. He spends countless hours continuing his education in firefighting & medical responding. He sacrifices sleep, food, family time, & previous commitments just to save a home or rescue a life.

My children are my heroes. They love first & ask questions later. They forgive & forgive & forgive. They look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. They see me for who I try to be, not who I fail to be.

I also have several Christian heroes that I have grown up watching. They are unwavering in their faith. Even when life throws them more than they can possibly stand, still they stand. They are the ones that make this life look effortless. The ones who make God & everyone else smile. The ones who you want to model your Christian walk after.

When you start to think about it, you have more heroes that you realized, all of them for many different reasons.

I hope as I continue through this life, that a few people can look at me as one of their heroes.

Be someone's hero - make a difference!